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I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 4:47 pm AEDT

I'm back

Hi @NikNik @pip @Decadian@utopia@Faith-and-Hope@Former-Member@Shaz51@Former-Member @CherryBomb @Silenus moderators and friends

I knew i wouldn't last!! I need you all. who was i kidding. Hubby and I went camping for 4 days and we argued so much about how to put the tent up, which post to use, wrong post, right post, etc etc etc

I couldn't read my book that i bought because he kept talking to me. At the end i gave up. We did walk around the perimeter of the caravan park which took 1/2 hour (huge park). I managed to swim which that gave me some peace and quiet for a little while.

We just snapped at each other most of the time. And when we didn't snap we sat and hardly spoke. he is the type of guy that doesn't say much but i noticed even in the car driving up (3.5 hours) he wouldn't start a conversation. So i just looked up facebook and read the paper, or fell asleep.

The weather was beautiful (25-30 every day). But i realised that i need space to myself. We are home now and he is washing the car, I have just put a load of washing on. the kids survived without us and actually not even keen to see us 😞

My mental state is not that great. The CAT team rang me on saturday to make sure i was okay and asked about my sleeping. The psych i saw gave me some sleeping tablet but i am still adjusting and don't like the drowsiness it causes the next day. I did call them again on sunday afternoon but they had to transfer me to the place that i went to and i sadi no don't worry as hubby was coming back to me anytime and i couldn't speak while he was there.

I have an appt tomorrow to see the CAT team psych again, i also have an appt to see my own psych in the afternoon. it will be interesting to see what he has to say abut me seeing the CAT tem psych.

I knew i wouldn't last being off here, i just needed to tell someone about my weekend. And as for intimacy and sex - well there is none. And it's prob my fault because i told him last time in hospital back in July that i wasn't interested. which is still true but i am sure he would like to.

I feel like a failure for not being able to stay away from this forum, i always have good intentions, set myself a goal but never go through with it. that's where i see myself as a huge failure.

anyway, just thought i would say hi to everyone and that i have missed you all even though it's not even a week. how patethic is that.

222 replies

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In response to: I'm back

pipSenior Contributor15 Nov 2016, 10:35 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hey @BlueBay. I think you have answered your own question. Staying in hospital would give you that much needed break. Tell them you are stressed to breaking point and need help. That way at least you have a good chance of seeing him. You owe him nothing, you are paying him for a service he is not supplying. I also agree you should see your new lady.

In response to: I'm back

BlueBellsSenior Contributor15 Nov 2016, 10:58 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

@BlueBay 🙂

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here.

It's a long story, but during the journey, a counsellor said to hubby (now separated) and I that if both really want the marriage to work, it probably will, but if either doesn't want it, it won't work.

I was still in the middle of getting my head around the fact that I was the one holding the marriage together, not the two of us, and that the setup was not likely to change.

I think speak with a counsellor about it, if he'll go, then find a couples/marriage counsellor. Your comment .."it is scary"... doesn't sound like the prospect is of happiness and closely shared times.

It's not easy. Lots of hugs coming your way 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm back

Shaz51Senior Contributor16 Nov 2016, 8:39 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

Good morning @BlueBellsxx

I know whet you mean about the doctor , with living in a rural area , we get so many new doctors coming in and out , i don`t like having another new doctor because they want youto tell them your story all over again

same as the kidney specialist is 60 km away , and when you go there for an update you only get to see the nurse

My hubby has cancelled all mental health help

the mental health team before cancelling told me I wasn`t doing enough for my hubbt`s recovery -- it was just a cover up and they had told him , we can`t help you

Hope you are ok today

In response to: I'm back

KurraSenior Contributor16 Nov 2016, 8:48 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

@Shaz51
I'm disgusted that the mental health team said that to you and your hubby. Frankly this sort of don't care attitude the mental health team has directed at you both needs to be reported. It might be worth considering doing so. It might also be worth contacting the Rural Health Alliance as well.
Luv n Hugzzz 💕 🎶

In response to: Re: I'm back

Change123Senior Contributor16 Nov 2016, 9:13 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

@Shaz51 That treatment is absolutely disgusting - you both deserve so much better - we all do!

@BlueBay

It does sound like you really need a break (know the feeling) and I can relate so much to your husband ranting. One thing I learnt in DBT is what they call "the dance" the partners are so used to us acting out in a certain way and once we start to improve and this starts to diminish it confuses them and they start to act up. It so tru about guys needing to feel in control, when I have spoken to my partner about his aggressive outbursts etc and how they trigger more. His response is that he is pushed and pushed until he has no sense of control and he feels he needs to be aggressive to gain control over me thus gaining control over his life. I really think its a primal need for men to be liek this just like sex for most guys its not an emotional experience and its something they need. Me I could go months without and it wouldnt bother me but they get very irritable, snappy and ready to start arguments. I really believe Men are from Mars and women from Venus - we think so differently. I tend to tune out some of his rant depending on what it is. If its not a trivial thing he wont let me tune out so I know its something that needs my attention.

Whatever you decide to do @BlueBay put yourself first for once - you deserve it!

In response to: Re: I'm back

BlueBellsSenior Contributor16 Nov 2016, 10:58 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hi @shaz 🙂

I'm with a group, TriStar (if I can mention, mods delete if required) and if I have a new doc, they read the notes, may ask a few questions to clarify, but are always aware of where I am.

Sadly, the lowest thing on some therapists list is caring for the patient 😞

Hi @Change123 🙂

Yes, male and female brains are wired differently, but 'different' , not better or worse, superior / inferior, just different.

I truly believe the controlling attitude of not just males, but seems commonly male, is immaturity, maybe lack of confidence, don't know, but is not necessary nor mature behaviour.

A child wants a lolly, it can't have it, so a tantrum is thrown. Why is it considered wrong for a child, but okay for an adult male?

You have the right word with "primal". Yep, they are, generally , a very base animal. It is the individual persons choice whether to behave like a cave man or apply the care and compassion that they should display, especially to their wife.

Male and female are "different", but equal.

And, if men are so great, how come they need the female to pander to them, like a very spoilt child would have? Isn't it time they just grew up?

Caring and nurturing should be equal and both directions. It took me 25 years before my counsellor finally got it through to me that it wasn't my job to make hubby happy, that being happy is each individuals job for themselves, it is not the responsibility of another.

Okay, so that's my rant 🙂 Hey Mods, apologies if I gave you a job deleting this 😉

Hugs :):) 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm back

BlueBellsSenior Contributor16 Nov 2016, 11:00 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

by the way, male counsellor 😉

In response to: I'm back

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor16 Nov 2016, 11:14 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hi @BlueBells 😊

Oh yeah .... raised by a mother who taught that the wife is there to support the husband's happiness and find her own happiness in all the rewards the happy husband then bestows upon her ..... my hubby had moved away from that .... but this new version of something we hadn't recognised as an mi previously has twanged him back into that mold like a sling-shot ....

Geez ..... !!

Using passive-resistance as much as I can and the kids are too .... they (kids) can see I am only going along with this in enough measure to placate him till we get him to the help he needs .....

Don't mind supporting him reasonably in a two-way give and take .... but this .... this is somethin' else ....

I bear in mind that I have the choice to walk away. If the roles were reversed I hope he would stick by me the same way.

💗

In response to: Re: I'm back

DecadianSenior Contributor16 Nov 2016, 11:52 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hi @BlueBay

I haven't been around much in the last couple of days - but I read your post where you wrote that you are not at all sure if you love your husband and whether he loves you

That it a rough place to be - I was living in the same house as mine for years but the marriage was over - and it was only after I finally got him to leave that my emotional and phyical health improved and I got on with my own life and never regretted it

So I can say it is really hard to facilitate a separation - there's EVERYTHING to be considered and where do you start?

But fixing the little stuff first is not dealing with the main problem if you and your husband no longer love each other. And to me it sounds as if Huffnpuff is not in touch with his own self without considering your health - and you don't sound at all happy with your lot

So - I am glad you are thinking about hospital and have made some move about that - and hope that some time away from everything will help you sort everything out.

It's decisions - yeah - I so get that - I have to make all my decisions alone now and so for over 25 years - and it does work out -

It's just something to think about - it is something to plan for - and when you do this - think about it - see how you feel

Sorry I haven't been around but a lot of people have been very supportive here and have written some really helpful thoughts

Hugs

Decadian

In response to: Re: I'm back

Shaz51Senior Contributor16 Nov 2016, 1:48 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hello @Decadian< @BlueBay, @Faith-and-Hope, @BlueBells, @Change123, @Kurra

thank you everyone xx

how is everyone today ??

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