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I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 4:47 pm AEDT

I'm back

Hi @NikNik @pip @Decadian@utopia@Faith-and-Hope@Former-Member@Shaz51@Former-Member @CherryBomb @Silenus moderators and friends

I knew i wouldn't last!! I need you all. who was i kidding. Hubby and I went camping for 4 days and we argued so much about how to put the tent up, which post to use, wrong post, right post, etc etc etc

I couldn't read my book that i bought because he kept talking to me. At the end i gave up. We did walk around the perimeter of the caravan park which took 1/2 hour (huge park). I managed to swim which that gave me some peace and quiet for a little while.

We just snapped at each other most of the time. And when we didn't snap we sat and hardly spoke. he is the type of guy that doesn't say much but i noticed even in the car driving up (3.5 hours) he wouldn't start a conversation. So i just looked up facebook and read the paper, or fell asleep.

The weather was beautiful (25-30 every day). But i realised that i need space to myself. We are home now and he is washing the car, I have just put a load of washing on. the kids survived without us and actually not even keen to see us 😞

My mental state is not that great. The CAT team rang me on saturday to make sure i was okay and asked about my sleeping. The psych i saw gave me some sleeping tablet but i am still adjusting and don't like the drowsiness it causes the next day. I did call them again on sunday afternoon but they had to transfer me to the place that i went to and i sadi no don't worry as hubby was coming back to me anytime and i couldn't speak while he was there.

I have an appt tomorrow to see the CAT team psych again, i also have an appt to see my own psych in the afternoon. it will be interesting to see what he has to say abut me seeing the CAT tem psych.

I knew i wouldn't last being off here, i just needed to tell someone about my weekend. And as for intimacy and sex - well there is none. And it's prob my fault because i told him last time in hospital back in July that i wasn't interested. which is still true but i am sure he would like to.

I feel like a failure for not being able to stay away from this forum, i always have good intentions, set myself a goal but never go through with it. that's where i see myself as a huge failure.

anyway, just thought i would say hi to everyone and that i have missed you all even though it's not even a week. how patethic is that.

222 replies

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In response to: I'm back

Shaz51Senior Contributor14 Nov 2016, 10:18 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

hubbies need to actually care a bit more about their spouses than silly little things -- Totally agree @Appleblossom xx

In response to: Re: I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor15 Nov 2016, 10:52 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

@Shaz51@Appleblossom@Faith-and-Hope@utopia@Former-Member@Decadian@Change123

I had an appt with my GP this morning. He told me that he received an email from the CAT team clinician (the terrible guy) and basically said that I have my own psych and support and that I should use them. I told my GP what had happened and he said if i feel like i am in crisis and not able to stay safe or not coping then ring them, they can't refuse you. But basically he knows that all i need at the moment is for someone to listen to me. And there is no one.

I told him how hubby is at the moment and that we are both snappy. And i told him about the garage door last night. He asked me 'do you love him' - to which i could not answer and started to cry. i told him it's too scary to talk about that, i don't know. i don't know anything at the moment.

He did agree that i was much better when i was seeing a regular psychologist weekly and now not having someone for 3 weeks will be difficult, but he offered for me to come to him more often if need be.

I drove home and started thinking that maybe i need to have a 'chat' with hubby. My GP agrees that he and the kids are so blase about the whole mental illness and what i am going through that they all don't know how to handle it or know what to say. But i told my doctor that all i wanted on thursday night was even just a hug, but he didn't even ask how i was. just kept eating dinner and looked pretty annoyed that i had come home 1/2 hour late (beause i was on the phone on the freeway to the CAT team).

I start to think now - am i happy? what do i want? do i want to stay married? why am i even thinking like this? we have been married 30 yrs. so many questions, that i don't know the answer to.

I just want all this fixed, i want it all to go away and just be nice and calm for a change (sobbing now 😞

still waiting gfor my psychiatrist to ring me.

In response to: I'm back

utopiaSenior Contributor15 Nov 2016, 11:16 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

@BlueBay. It's so good to hear that your gp has offered to see you more frequently until your psych appointment. There are good doctors around and it sounds like you have one that truly understands not just MI, but human decency.
Now is not the time for you to make decisions about your marriage. You have far too much to deal with as it is.
However a chat with your family, while you sit around the table tonight, I think that would be beneficial for you all.
Be clear in what you need from them. Don't expect them to understand or to react how you would in the same circumstances. They need to be told clearly what you need and expect from them. That way there can be no confusion.
I'm off to the doctors now - to get this headache sorted. I'll catch up with you later.
Enjoy your day.

In response to: Re: I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor15 Nov 2016, 12:23 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

@utopia all of this is doing my head in. I can't think straight, i have too much going on in my head. Bills, xmas, kids, hubby, myself, MIL, I just can't deal with it all. Seeing a new psychologist soon is also adding to the anxiety.

I don't know who i am anymore. don't know what i want anymore. i don't know anything 😞

and its hard because my head wants to 'fix things' but i just can't. i am broken, i am tired, i am brain dead.

So much stuff to do around the house but don't have money to do.

I know i have a roof over my head and healthy kids (i should be happy) but there are so many things that are bringing me right down, right now.

i think i need to sort out myself first then work on marriage. it's the other stuff is in the way and is making me even more depressed and stressed.

In response to: I'm back

utopiaSenior Contributor15 Nov 2016, 12:44 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

@BlueBay. Yes you have too many things that you are trying to sort out. But your brain can't cope with all of that. That's why we say one thing at a time. And just focus on the next project. Otherwise it's an overload on our brain & then we can't do anything. Our brain literally shuts down.
So for now - just focus on the 2nd bootie or the blanket or cuddling with Jersey.
I've just taken a strong pain killer for my headache - so I'm hoping that I will sleep for the next few hours.
Remember, just do one thing. Everything else can wait.

In response to: Re: I'm back

Change123Senior Contributor15 Nov 2016, 12:59 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

@BlueBay

I dont know what to say about your hubby cause mine is the same but he has Bipolar which is unmedicated. I dont try and talk to mine anymore as it just gets him more stressed and then that triggers him and we are off on a rant and then things get ugly.

I truly think its becuase they dont know or are scared to talk or comfort us but they definitely dont understand. Mine gets so stressed out everytime he either has a mate coming over or is going out - like last night. He will be huffing and puffing and carrying on and everything I do is annoying him. So I just take myself out of the room he is in and let him clam down and we have a break from each other and usually once the vent is over he calms down.

What gets to me is the very small things like just coming up to us and saying for no reason "everything will be ok I'm here and I love you" thats all I want but never get.

I totally understand your feelings and I hope having a family meeting to discuss your needs will open his eyes.

In response to: Re: I'm back

BlueBellsSenior Contributor15 Nov 2016, 1:00 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hi @BlueBay 🙂

I haven't time to read through, just saw on post (doesn't seem to have numbers like BlueBoard had) but it's the one where you mention home late because on the phone to CAT team.

Lots of hugs, thinking of you xoxoxo 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm back

BlueBellsSenior Contributor15 Nov 2016, 1:06 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

@BlueBay , re Christmas, go very light on.

Buy some disposable plates and cuttlery, just the cheaper ones, and go for simple food, try and get it pre-pared, as in, the day before.

Go simple, buy pre-made salads, or frozen veg, cooked meats, ...

Cut your workload as much as possible. It will help lower stress, and you will enjoy it more.

Gifts? How about just biscuits, lollies, ... simple and lower priced. It's the thought that counts 😉

In response to: Re: I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor15 Nov 2016, 1:22 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

@BlueBells

for christmas it is just me, hubby and our 3 adult children. My daughter has a boyfriend and she is going to his dad's house for lunch. We will most likely have brunch with the boys and then have a bbq and salads for dinner when my daughter comes back home. It is going to be simple, very easy. I just stress over the presents, but I said to my daughter last night that xmas this year is going to be not much and she said she doesn't care.

I guess it's important to spend time together, we always have fun playing some sort of game (table tennis). Dep;ending on weather, if it's warm hubby and I will go down the beach for part of the day.

I just miss my extended family and parents - but i have no choice in that matter 😞

I don't like the whole hype of christmas, the shopping, the crowds etc. I think i will just buy local and not go to any big shopping centres. i can't stand the crowds. if hubby wants to he can go with the boys.

In response to: Re: I'm back

BlueBellsSenior Contributor15 Nov 2016, 1:31 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hi @BlueBay 🙂

Sounds good 😉

Once my children hit the 20's, gifts pretty much became confectionery, bikkies...and some alcohol (not big drinkers, so usually a years supply with a bottle each 😄 )

We'd choose the fancy sweets, and bikkies, rather than more common.

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