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I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 4:47 pm AEDT

I'm back

Hi @NikNik @pip @Decadian@utopia@Faith-and-Hope@Former-Member@Shaz51@Former-Member @CherryBomb @Silenus moderators and friends

I knew i wouldn't last!! I need you all. who was i kidding. Hubby and I went camping for 4 days and we argued so much about how to put the tent up, which post to use, wrong post, right post, etc etc etc

I couldn't read my book that i bought because he kept talking to me. At the end i gave up. We did walk around the perimeter of the caravan park which took 1/2 hour (huge park). I managed to swim which that gave me some peace and quiet for a little while.

We just snapped at each other most of the time. And when we didn't snap we sat and hardly spoke. he is the type of guy that doesn't say much but i noticed even in the car driving up (3.5 hours) he wouldn't start a conversation. So i just looked up facebook and read the paper, or fell asleep.

The weather was beautiful (25-30 every day). But i realised that i need space to myself. We are home now and he is washing the car, I have just put a load of washing on. the kids survived without us and actually not even keen to see us 😞

My mental state is not that great. The CAT team rang me on saturday to make sure i was okay and asked about my sleeping. The psych i saw gave me some sleeping tablet but i am still adjusting and don't like the drowsiness it causes the next day. I did call them again on sunday afternoon but they had to transfer me to the place that i went to and i sadi no don't worry as hubby was coming back to me anytime and i couldn't speak while he was there.

I have an appt tomorrow to see the CAT team psych again, i also have an appt to see my own psych in the afternoon. it will be interesting to see what he has to say abut me seeing the CAT tem psych.

I knew i wouldn't last being off here, i just needed to tell someone about my weekend. And as for intimacy and sex - well there is none. And it's prob my fault because i told him last time in hospital back in July that i wasn't interested. which is still true but i am sure he would like to.

I feel like a failure for not being able to stay away from this forum, i always have good intentions, set myself a goal but never go through with it. that's where i see myself as a huge failure.

anyway, just thought i would say hi to everyone and that i have missed you all even though it's not even a week. how patethic is that.

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In response to: I'm back

Fancy_PantsSenior Contributor13 Nov 2016, 4:58 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

sounds like a great idea @BlueBay a lost art and a very mindful activity,

perhaps you can ask for an earlier one? three weeks seems like a bit...

i hope you feel improved soon

In response to: I'm back

pipSenior Contributor13 Nov 2016, 4:58 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hey @BlueBay. Coping alone for the next 3 weeks is scary when you're dealing with any sort of MI. The BPD makes you feel as though you're totally alone and it isolates you. Possibly the guy you spoke to was totally unaware that you really need support right now. When that happens your MI skyrockets because you feel worse. The self hate feeling is your MI taking control. Depression caused by BPD escalates and the result is you start feeling worse. Try to re-focus on what makes you feel calm and relaxed. Don't forget to breathe slowly. Are you able to perhaps concentrate on a pattern for a knitting project. Not to actually knit something (unless you want to), but read the pattern, try to focus and concentrate on the pattern. Possibly the more intricate the better for you to focus. Remember to breathe

In response to: I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor13 Nov 2016, 5:32 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

@fancy-pants
I will call my psych tomorrow.

In response to: I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor13 Nov 2016, 5:34 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

@pip you are so right with what you wrote. Spot on. I will call my psych tomorrow and see if I can see him earlier. And if he can help me while I wait 3 weeks to see new psychologist. I feel so lost and alone now. I'm sitting here knitting.

In response to: I'm back

utopiaSenior Contributor13 Nov 2016, 6:11 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

@BlueBay. Sending you hugs.♥♥♥♥

In response to: Re: I'm back

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor13 Nov 2016, 7:50 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

❤️❤️❤️ Sending you hugs too @BlueBay.

In response to: I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor14 Nov 2016, 6:27 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hi guys
after another sleep yesterday afternoon hubby and I went and did a very small grocery shop (with litttle money we have. We then went for a drive to look around and see what houses are around for sale. Right now the way I feel (impulsive) i could sell our home but I don't want to sell and buy without thinking it through.
Oh I finished the baby bonnet. When I see it up today I'll put a photo up. I'm now going to knit booties then a little jacket.

I had a terrible dream/nightmare last night. It was about my mum posting me copies of all the posts from here and my journal. I was so upset and scared because now she knew my brother was one of them.
I somehow then was talking to a police officer who said he would help workout how she got my information.
It was such a mixed up dream of police my mum personal information.
In my dream I ended up closing Facebook and this forum.
Reality I won't be doing that. 😊

In response to: Re: I'm back

pipSenior Contributor14 Nov 2016, 6:56 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hi @BlueBay. Sorry about your surreal nightmare. With so much happening in your life right now, nightmares would be inevitable. When we have traumatic events, the imagination is inclined to run riot, causing all sorts of 'worse case scenarios'. They say nightmares usually are far removed from reality. In the cold light of day, these 'nightmares' fade into obscurity as we realize that they are just that, horrific nightmares. Did you manage to write down the nightmare so you could tell your psych. Try keeping a note of these horrific nightmares as your psych should be able to help you deal with your real fear as you wake. Your main fear is your mum finding out everything you have been keeping from her and her reaction to finding out. This would've triggered this nightmare, so you wake up scared because it was so real.

In response to: I'm back

utopiaSenior Contributor14 Nov 2016, 7:00 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

@BlueBay. It's awful when we have such confusing nightmares. But at least you know your information on here is safe.
I also think of my posts here as a bit of a journal. It can be therapeutic venting on here. And it's also good to share our triumps.
Like your baby bonnet. I look forward to seeing a picture of it.
You are sounding a bit brighter this morning. That's good

In response to: Re: I'm back

DecadianSenior Contributor14 Nov 2016, 8:47 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hi @BlueBay

I read back on your thread - wow - what a bad weekend - I bet you are glad it's Monday and you can get in touch with your psyche tomorrow

About that nightmare - it's your unconcious mind telling you something - and these things are upside down and inside out - so it's hard to interpret them - but this one is pretty obvious I think - you are afraid of what your Mum can do and what she is likely to say. She is very toxic and like yeah - she would be bitchy enough to post your private stuff to whomever - but rest assured - she can't read what's in this site unless she is a member and even then - we never use names in here

But the thought of someone being as mean spirited as to do something like that is really horrible and makes me feel sick - and there are people who would be that narky -

I read about the trouble you had with someone at the CAT team sounding off at you. Believe me - you are not responsible for his evil mood. He was already feeling snippy - or worse - when you rang - and you are battling and reaching out for help.

You are not at all well though - and I really think you need to have a spell in hospital because you are exhausted from being so unstable and battling so much - I wasn't on-line later that lunchtime yesterday so a lot has happened since then and it is really hard to have all this happening

We care about you here and you get a lot of conflicting suggestions from everywhere you seek help and inevitably they will be different - but you are not wrong in reaching out for help - it's a sign of how much you need it and we all undertand that here

Here's an idea about what is important to tell your psyche and your new psychogist - copy the most important posts you right here and put them into a different folder - perhaps delete what is not important and keep the most important parts - that is - what's important to you - and then read them before you see your therapists - then they will be fresh in your mind

And no way can everything be all your fault - no one is that clever - you are doing the best you can

Lotsa virtual hugs

Dec

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