I'm back

@BlueBay

I'm so glad you are posting again.

Please dont let the clinicians and doctors make you think you are not worth the effort - YOU DEFINITELY ARE!

Dont listen to them and keep posting - you have a whole community on here who thinks you are a very special person and we should know! 🙂

Respect is a fogotten ideology lost in todays society, just because this person was disrespectful to you does not mean it was anything to do with you - probably had a bad day and took it out on you.

Thinking of you

Hi @Decadian

I am glad it's Monday 🙂

But still a bit angry at the CAT team clinician. I felt like a little child being in trouble yet again 😞 and i couldn't even tell him anything or answer back, because I was scared like a little girl. He just kept going on and on and on.

Part of me wants to ring to complain but I think I will just let it go. I will remember his name so if he answers i will hang up and try again.

I think my whole decline over the past week has been a combination of things: seeing my own psych on Tuesday and now he knows just how bad I've been because the CAT team psych called him. Seeing my old therapist for the last time on Thursday and then breaking down on the freewy sobbing to the CAT team. To then the weekend, just sleeping and wanting to be alone.

I have just finished cleaning the house, so now I am going to make a cuppa and start sewing the baby beanie and then start knitting the booties. I am so loving this!!!

Damn, just got a phone call from youngest son, he is on his way to uni for his very last exam for the year and is stuck in traffic. Normally it takes an hour to drive to uni but today he is still in traffic and it's been almost 1 1/2. So he is going to miss his exam which starts in 10 mins. He just rang to say he will call the uni and explain and can get an exemption to sit the exam at another time. I hope so.

I think i will write down this weird dream i've had so i can explain it to my psych. It is so vivid.

anyway back to my knitting, while Jersey is lazing around on her bed 🙂

Hey @Change123

I am trying to not let this CAT team clinician get to me. Part of me is so pissed off with him and part of me is so scared just like a little girl being told off yet again.

Yeah, respect. I don't know what hjappened to that. You know clinicians should be trained in how to talk to people with MI and people with BPD especially. It is so hard to accept or take in a cricitism or even a talking down to from someone. I take it so personally that it's all my fault.

Anyway, today is another day, if i ever need to ring them again i will make sure he doesn't answer. if he does i will try again. I don't understand becasue the really nice guy i spoke to on thursday night helped me calm down and see that i am worth living, and told me that he would keep me 'on the books' for a while. and that i could call anytime. so when i do - this is what happens. doesn't make sense.

Thank you for your support over the last few days, i haven't really been on here supporting anyone lately. Sorry. I have just been able to barely think for myself.

I hope you have a nice day. Any plans for today? 🙂

Hi @BlueBay

It's good to hear from you - I get your topsy-turvies - I have had a life full of them - I promise you these things matter less when you get older - people don't care less - leastways - I don't think so - the passage of years sorts out the good bitz and the funny bitz and the bad bitz and the bitz we can let go and we can cry our eyes out cause life teaches us things we never seek to learn as the years go past

You can be angry - that's a really good sign - your depression will get worse if you hold the anger back - that was really unprofessional behaviour from the CAT Clinician - HE can't tell that you are on the edge - we know you are on the edge - and your psyche knows

And yes - I know you are grieving the loss of your psychologist - 5 to 6 years is a long time - and he was important to you - so grieve - it's no fun at all but necessary to miss someone so important.

Your son is a young adult now and can sort out his exam. I don't know how things go at universities now but he can defer the exam. People get held up in traffic and cars and public transport breaks down - we all like to be on time for exams but apart from camping out on the Campus all night (not a good idea just before an exam) people will inevitably be caught up in traffic snarls etc - so there needs to be reason somewhere

I got deferments all the way through university - there was never any difficulty about that -

So today take things easy and think about hospital - sometimes it is really hard to make up our minds about such things - I hate public hospitals myself - but private - much better - I borrowed money to have knee surgery in a private hospital - it was so nice there -

Personally I think that you have a lot of confusion happening - it is hard for you to make decisions - and so this is frustrating to some other people who don't understand like we do

But yes - take it quietly today

Dec

@Decadian

When I read what you wrote about grieving my old therapist - it just hit me. I am grieving, i am angry at him, angry at me, feeling so sad and lost that i don't have him anymore.

And that damn CAT team clinician should have been nicier to me.

I did leave a msg for my psych to call and said I think i need hospital. we'll see what he says if he rings today. seeing my GP tomorrow.

@Decadian my psych's receptionist just called. he doesn't work today but will try to get msg to him. also i have just emailed the support community centre where i went in august for some food vouchers. i have emailed the lady to see if she can help again. i feel so terrible, ashamed and embarrassed having to ask for help. i know there are so many more people out there who are struggling a whole lot more than me.

i need my coffee, i will chat later. xxoo

Hi again @BlueBay

Yes - you are grieving your therapist and it is okay to be angry about that - I understand

I had a great therapist - the one who did cathartic hypnosis - I had actually finished my sessions with him but he would ring me now and again. And then he died - and that was a very permanent thing to happen - and I still sometimes think of him and how he cared enough to see how I was. I knew he was sick - and sometimes I remember him and um - yeah - it twinges a bit - but it was a long time ago - I am startled at how long ago now

That guy did not need to rant at you like that - actually that's another thing about getting older is that I don't tolerate that and I have hung up my phone on people who start with the rants - I walk away from people - or I might give them a serve of my own - so narky people might get a dose of cold shoulder or hot tongue depending on how clever or not I feel that way

This guy had the power to rant you into a corner - so take that back - you did say somewhere I think that you thought you would hang up the phone if he answered. Good idea - he didn't understand - he had a pain in his own tail, his dog has fleas and one came to work with him. There is not need to rant at people but he did - so take the power yourself. Yes - I know you felt like a little girl who couldn't answer back - I understand that -

Oh - the years and the tears - what we learn - I don't want you to leap forward into grey hair and false teeth but along with the ravages of time comes a certain wisdom - we can learn to be assertive - we can learn "No one speaks to me that way.NO one speaks to ME that way"

And you will learn that - and you can respond or not - but we don't have to be as narky as the narky people

Oh - I would love to say the clever things I have said sometimes but it's better that I don't

Dec

@BlueBay

It's okay to ask for food vouchers - I know you are financially over-committed - it has been a while since you asked I am sure - so ask again

There have been times when I have needed to ask for them - I know it feels as if you are begging - or rather - I felt that way - but the vouchers are there for people who need them and right now - you do

Dec

@Decadian@utopia@Change123@pip@Faith-and-Hope

Here is a picture of the baby's beanie. Don't know why it's sideways. I'm impressed with myself 🙂

@BlueBay

Dont be ashamed of needing help, we all do at one point or another in life.

I'm doing a bit better today, I had to drop something in at the post office today so I used the key return shoot to get my note to them. Just about a redirection but I wanted to avoid any interaction incase things would start up again. I think the postal place has become a trigger for me. I have been there at least 10 times arguing about the same crap and each time I have kept my cool to a certain degree except for Thursday when I let loose. I just keep seeing the guys face in my mind which was really sad and very distraught and to know I caused that really hurts but then I keep thinking well they have caused me a lot of hurt via abuse and frustrating behavior and they have never thought of my feelings.

I really think the problem with BPD and professionals is that no one has taken the time to really learn about us and experience the pain like we do - so they have made a lot of assumptions. There definitely needs to be a lot of training within the mental health professionals and to realise that it can only take a small thing to trigger us. What gets me its often these professionals are the ones who do trigger us and make us act out more and then they criticise us for doing that. INSTEAD they should learn to not trigger us and be more HUMANE towards us.

I dont know what to say @BlueBay as I have had the same treatment and no one really cares as we are just "exagerating according to them". It will be interesting to see how my GP acts towards me as I havent seen her since my meltdown and going to the ED. I'm gathering I have a right to see but I'm going to ask what the report from the pysch said about me.

The only thing I hate about trying to fix my meds is all this back and forth to the doctors and I start to feel like a hinderance to everyone and that then gets me down.

Just saw your beanie so I edited to include WELL DONE - I dont have the patience to knit but thats excellent and you have achieved something today!