Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

It's tough today

HistoryloverSenior Contributor25 Apr 2023, 1:43 pm AEST

It's tough today

Guys, I just need to talk. I am feeling so low that I just can't see myself pulling out of this one. I have no reason to, and nothing in my life to look forward to.

I mentioned some time ago that my ex-psy gave me a terminal diagnosis when he so sadistically traumatized me 3 years ago after undermining everything I had worked to achieve. I can't recover. Being suicidal for 3 years has taken a toll. I decided to fill in my remaining time with things I had wanted to achieve. I have done this and there's now nothing else left to do.

I have withdrawn from my course which had been keeping me going. Dealing with such an array of personalities among the staff was doing my head in. They were like 'a box of chocolates', never knowing which flavour would present next. I find better teaching on YouTube. And that is actual teaching, not prerecorded videos.

I can't live without my daughters, or with the lies that have been told about me. I only know of three major ones, so who knows what else has been said? I can't defend/deny what I do not know, and there would be no point in it anyway. No-one has ever been my champion.

Mother's Day will be hard this year. The last one I had with my family, they pretended that it was just an ordinary day until their disrespect brought me to tears. I gave them my best, my all, and had prided myself on it.

I have nothing to live for anymore and I won't try any more socialising. I am now officially a recluse. Every day is becoming more of a drudge, and everyone is waiting for me to finish what they started. It's hard to take. I'm just winding down.

I've resigned myself to the fact that this is just my fate. I tried to change it, to change course, but it all just keeps happening in different settings. There's nothing left to try, and I haven't got the strength anyway. I'm just broken.

I guess I'm just getting in early to say that I have enjoyed your company and support through the past 3 years, and to thank you for it. I hope others have enjoyed my company too. It's been a treat to banter with everyone. I'll limp on a while longer.

Still safe. (No private emails, please, moderators).

52 replies

31 - 40 of 52

1...3 4 5 6

In response to: It's tough today

AppleblossomSenior Contributor26 Apr 2023, 12:10 pm AEST

Re: It's tough today

@Historylover Gratitude for food. Yep. I am enjoying more fancy cheeses than ever, too, but there does have to be more to life.

My current counsellor started off saying I was intimidating. I try hard not to be, or a challenge, and then do myself a disservice ... finding my place and how I fit in ... always tricky ... but at least I am allow myself to be myself rather than twisting myself into a pretzel too much to fit others schemes, needs, or whatevas ...

I have had many of those similar thoughts re exit plans, and have tended to be able to solve them ... which got me into a state ... of saying ... have I gotta plan! and being very allergic to the word 'plan' and various buzzwords stuff about smart goals etc ...

Changing 'the system' became a reason ...... or other ... duties ... while still be open to a moon challenge ... it was hiding by the time I got out last night. Never mind ... it was good to see stars.

In response to: Re: It's tough today

HistoryloverSenior Contributor26 Apr 2023, 12:44 pm AEST

Re: It's tough today

It is so hard to find ways to fit in, @Appleblossom. I've given up. I'm not a shy, retiring type, which is no doubt a reaction to having been walked over with hobnail boots and controlled all of my life. I'm happy with me, and if others don't like it, perhaps they should question their motives. I'm polite, helpful, a team player. What do they want? I'm just looking for companions with similar values, interests, and sincerity and decency.

I've got Sky Map and SkyView apps on my phone but haven't mastered using them. I'd love to get to the planetarium, but it is just too out of the way.

In response to: It's tough today

Kyle1Senior Contributor26 Apr 2023, 1:28 pm AEST

Re: It's tough today

"The problem with personal freedom is that everyone else wants their share, too!

And there's only so much to go 'round..."

In response to: It's tough today

NatureLoverSenior Contributor27 Apr 2023, 6:51 am AEST

Re: It's tough today

@Historylover wrote:
I meant to also say, thanks for your support, @NatureLover. Yes, I do still have my love of learning. I will always have that. 👍❤️

So pleased to hear, @Historylover 🙂

And I can empathise about the fear of huge rent increases...I have that too. I read news stories about them with horror. My fingers are crossed for you regarding yours, that they will be manageable.

Just want to check in with you this morning...how are you feeling? You are sometimes around early, like me...it's nice to know you're online at the same time.

In response to: Re: It's tough today

HistoryloverSenior Contributor27 Apr 2023, 7:31 am AEST

Re: It's tough today

Well, @NatureLover, I woke early wondering how I can come to terms with what has been done to me, and the answer is that there is no way. It was not designed to be other than insufferably cruel and inescapable. So, what is life if it is insufferable?

I want to 'go' now, but it's difficult to find the right time, to be in the right frame of mind. I don't want to make matters worse if I don't succeed. Life, living, poses so many insurmountable problems and it is difficult to exit. Women in my lineage are so abused, and so are our menfolk. Why?

I would willingly see a psychiatrist in the hope of gaining resolution, but they have no intention of undoing the harm done to me by so many, including, mainly, one of their own. If I ask questions, they are not answered. So what is the point? It is just money grubbing.

I want a one-on-one discussion, but my experience is that psychiatrists avoid discussion at all costs. Perhaps because they would show who they really are—no longer able to hide behind their 'professional' facade, as vulnerable as all others, unable to pretend they are the only 'normal' ones—and/or perhaps because that would be helpful when all they want to do is to medicate and deny our truths.

In response to: Re: It's tough today

NatureLoverSenior Contributor27 Apr 2023, 7:36 am AEST

Re: It's tough today

@Historylover I am sad at your overwhelmingly hopeless feeling. 😞

Would you consider a psychologist? They don't medicate, and my psychologist is good at discussion. She also shares about herself if she thinks it will make a point to me. She also validates my feelings and doesn't "deny my truth".

Of course, I realise that I am one of the lucky ones, to have found her. But there are other good ones out there - good and bad in every profession.

In response to: Re: It's tough today

HistoryloverSenior Contributor27 Apr 2023, 8:11 am AEST

Re: It's tough today

No, what I'm dealing with is beyond the paygrade of a psychologist, @NatureLover. I would be educating them, rather than them helping me. Even psychiatrists are more interested in my ex-psy's findings in his career as a psy; one even wanted to connect with him. They are all learning on the job, and collaboration with someone who has done the work is most enlightening and consolidates their 'brotherhood'. I don't pay to act as a go-between or an exhibit of another's work. None can help me, but resolution and discussion would ease my pain.

In response to: Re: It's tough today

Kyle1Senior Contributor27 Apr 2023, 8:58 am AEST

Re: It's tough today

hummingbirds

The female, and two chicks,

each no bigger than my thumb,

scattered,

shimmering

in their pale-green dresses;

then they rose, tiny fireworks,

into the leaves

and hovered;

then they sat down,

each one with dainty, charcoal feet –

each one on a slender branch –

and looked at me.

I had meant no harm,

I had simply

climbed the tree

for something to do

on a summer day,

not knowing they were there,

ready to burst the ledges

of their mossy nest

and to fly, for the first time,

in their sea-green helmets,

with brisk, metallic tails –

each tulled wing,

with every dollop of flight,

drawing a perfect wheel

across the air.

Then, with a series of jerks,

they paused in front of me

and, dark-eyed, stared –

as though I were a flower –

and then,

like three tosses of silvery water,

they were gone.

Alone,

in the crown of the tree,

I went to China,

I went to Prague;

I died, and was born in the spring;

I found you, and loved you, again.

Later the darkness fell

and the solid moon

like a white pond rose.

But I wasn’t in any hurry.

Likely I visted all

the shimmering, heart-stabbing

questions without answers

before I climbed down.

***

Mary Oliver

In response to: Re: It's tough today

NatureLoverSenior Contributor28 Apr 2023, 7:54 am AEST

Re: It's tough today

@Historylover wrote:
None can help me, but resolution and discussion would ease my pain.

I'm sorry you feel no-one can help you, @Historylover 😞

I am wishing for some hope and purpose for you...

In response to: Re: It's tough today

NatureLoverSenior Contributor30 Apr 2023, 7:44 am AEST

Re: It's tough today

Am thinking of you @Historylover and hoping you get a spark of hope soon... 🤞

31 - 40 of 52

1...3 4 5 6