It's tough today

"What's your style then"? the hostile bully asked.

"My style?.. You could call it: 'fighting without fighting' ..."

In Chinese culture they have both hard and soft style exercise.

And life is certainly an exercise @Historylover

My life is a constant battle, @Kyle1, and I'm thoroughly exhausted and shell-shocked.

I have to go. How the Universe works is about to start, and I've got so much to learn!!

Take care until next time. 🌏🌌🌜⭐🌃 Goodnight.

@Historylover I'm sad to hear you're so low 😞

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@Historylover wrote:

I never win so what's the point?

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You have won - you set out things you wanted to achieve before the end, and you achieved them. There are many people including myself that will never achieve such things.

I just wish you had some hope and purpose - that you could find new hope and new purpose, I mean. Sending wishes for you...

Thank you, @NatureLover. Life has just conspired against me, unfortunately. I wish I could find new direction and purpose too, but nothing ever works. There's a pattern to it, and I just keep finding the next version of the same situation.

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@Historylover wrote:

I have to go. How the Universe works is about to start, and I've got so much to learn!! 

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@Historylover It sounds like you were excited about this, at least?

You reckon it's a start, @NatureLover? Today is another day though. I'm absolutely lost. I'm not being negative, just realistic. I want to 'go', but you have to be at your lowest to do so. Things just keep me limping on, and my future is even worse. I have nowhere to turn, and that's just my reality.

Yes, I reckon it's a start @Historylover - you obviously still have your love of learning in your own way.

@Historylover I did realise you were talking of leaving with finality. I was utterly exhausted and could barely string 2 words together when I posted my last response. I just did not want to leave it til the next day. I have spent a lot of time trying to talk people out of it, and failed. I have also heard it can be better not to reason or argue with suicidality. I have so much of my own suicidality so I have those conversations internally as well.

Life can be an ugly joke and it can be beautiful at times.

Purpose really does help make life more meaningful. I am hoping a new purpose emerges for you... maybe gradually ... Lack of education is a serious disadvantage so it can be a big motivator. Formal education has a place, but yep, it aint wot it used to be. ... or maybe it was always like that and I was too idealistic to realise. The world has changed so much with the democratisation of knowledge where so much is available to so many. Maybe you have discovered what you needed to know.

I am struggling at the moment with another social bully who seems to have everyone else in thrall ... over their ... so called sense of humour and attention seeking antics ... so yes I feel like eye rolling about that or withdrawing .... part of it is wisdom maybe ... not falling for it ... idk ...

I meant to also say, thanks for your support, @NatureLover. Yes, I do still have my love of learning. I will always have that. 👍❤️

Thank you for your response when you were so exhausted yourself, @Appleblossom.

It's just so frustrating that when I am at my lowest, something happens to keep me going...and my future is worse. I can see one trauma after the next into the future. Now they are also talking about huge rent increases. I just don't know what to do, about anything. No good attempting and failing, so I have to be sure I won't change my mind. I don't know whether to go or stay.

I was thinking that someone will probably knock on my door or my phone will ring, or someone making noise outside will distract me, the windows will rattle in the wind or I'll remember something I forgot to do. Ending it is all so darn complicated.

Lack of education really is a serious disadvantage. The trouble is that when I don't use newly acquired knowledge, it falls away. That course was just so exhausting. I really feel academically burnt out and must rest my brain with simpler tasks. I did learn many new things—well, not new, but confirming of what I have observed, like the notion of questionable free will. It really is an interesting subject.

I went out for some Winter gloves at Aldi this morning, but I was a week too early. I bought some years ago, leather, and they were a serious bargain. They cost a fortune at the big department stores. I hope the new stock is the same, but perhaps that's asking too much. How I hate being cold; chilblains last year.

I also bought a mini wheel of camembert while I was there, and have been sitting here savouring it. Last week it was brie.

Just be careful with your social bully. They like status quo and you are a challenge (but you know that). Me too, I am always trying to get people to find another way to relate beyond the same old behaviours of the past. Learn a different play to act in, but they seem to prefer the known for the unknown.