It's tough today

TW

Guys, I just need to talk. I am feeling so low that I just can't see myself pulling out of this one. I have no reason to, and nothing in my life to look forward to.

I mentioned some time ago that my ex-psy gave me a terminal diagnosis when he so sadistically traumatized me 3 years ago after undermining everything I had worked to achieve. I can't recover. Being suicidal for 3 years has taken a toll. I decided to fill in my remaining time with things I had wanted to achieve. I have done this and there's now nothing else left to do.

I have withdrawn from my course which had been keeping me going. Dealing with such an array of personalities among the staff was doing my head in. They were like 'a box of chocolates', never knowing which flavour would present next. I find better teaching on YouTube. And that is actual teaching, not prerecorded videos.

I can't live without my daughters, or with the lies that have been told about me. I only know of three major ones, so who knows what else has been said? I can't defend/deny what I do not know, and there would be no point in it anyway. No-one has ever been my champion.

Mother's Day will be hard this year. The last one I had with my family, they pretended that it was just an ordinary day until their disrespect brought me to tears. I gave them my best, my all, and had prided myself on it.

I have nothing to live for anymore and I won't try any more socialising. I am now officially a recluse. Every day is becoming more of a drudge, and everyone is waiting for me to finish what they started. It's hard to take. I'm just winding down.

I've resigned myself to the fact that this is just my fate. I tried to change it, to change course, but it all just keeps happening in different settings. There's nothing left to try, and I haven't got the strength anyway. I'm just broken.

I guess I'm just getting in early to say that I have enjoyed your company and support through the past 3 years, and to thank you for it. I hope others have enjoyed my company too. It's been a treat to banter with everyone. I'll limp on a while longer.

Still safe. (No private emails, please, moderators).