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I am new to this so please bare with me. I have been married for 21 years and only now do I see part of why I suffer from mental illness. I feel my husband has ruled our relationship for years. From wanting to know where I am to how long I will be out to coming to work with me as he did not trust the person I was working for (I have my own cleaning business). I found out last year that the reason we have one child is that he made the decission not to have anymore children because of my mental health but would never discuss this with me when I would ask. The answer I would get was because. This was said infront of a counseller and myself. He now claims he does not remember saying that (as per everything else he claims not to remember). This information broke my heart to the max.
I have been accuse of a mountain of things from having affairs to being rude to his mother. Both of us have been cheeted on in our previous relationship. I have given up all my friend as it got too hard when I would go out.
I feel exhausted, lonely and extremely sad. Most mornings I wake and tears start flowing. sometime they stop and other time they continue for most of the day. I put on a mask around others and my 17 year old.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this.
@pip. I understand your restlessness to meet up again. It's perfectly understandable. He is a unique man and you both have chosen a unique style of relationship. It's going to take time for you both to work out arrangements thst will suit you both. Just keep talking honestly with each other & everything will be fine. I'm restless to catch up with my old friend. But it needs to be on his terms and when he is comfortable. Because he has shared snippets of his past hurts and traumas - this will be an emotional time for him. He needs to feel comfortable and develop trust in me first. Trust that I will except his past. Trust that I will see who he is. Until this happens - I don't see him setting a date to come up. So yes, I also have to learn to be more patient. Not an easy thing for me. But there is no other option. That doesn't mean that I'm not sad. That I do not cry. That I do not get excited when I hear from him. It's hard loving someone who has been through awful trauma and struggles with trust.
In response to: Power relationship
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@pip, good Morning, How true this is!
In response to: Re: Power relationship
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@utopia, Good Morning, It is also hard to trust someone who has performed a heart&soulectomy on you. (havea laugh at the wording, it help for a little better in your day)
In response to: Re: Power relationship
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@Heart. How true that is. Sorry to butt in. When I think of the emotional mess I was in when I first met my friend, to where I am now, through his guidance and support, etc. He also has his demons to wrestle daily. I guess what utopia says is true. When he's ready it will happen. He was involved in a sort of triangle for a while. I won't say a 'love' triangle, he was used. He was friendly with a Dr (not his own) and his wife. Whenever the wife got brassed off with hubby (which apparently was often), she would go to my friend. He offered her the inevitable shoulder to cry on. Evidently, one night, she decided to take the friendship he offered further, and tried to sexually overpower him. I don't think he saw her this way, to him, she was simply a friend in need. He has since told her, apparently, that he is not interested. I was quite disgusted for him as I would never do that. I did tell him I wasn't that way, that I felt sex had to be a two way street. He does comment how much I've grown, matured, changed etc, so I feel there may come a time when he will suggest a get-together. As utopia pointed out, he has to feel comfortable before that will happen. He has been on his own for years too, so he has developed a lifestyle that is unique to him.
In response to: Power relationship
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
Hi @pip, Yes I did google Narcissist traits. whilst alot didn't apply there were ones in the that rang true. Some stronger than others. Some with a suttle hint. I have been taking everyones points and tips on board. (to use bold you click on the B top left on the icon list.). Have appointment with mhn this arvo and will see what he says about the Not Remembering part. Whilst trying to keep myself on track, my son has two weeks to year 12 graduation and finishing school. I am trying to keep busy with supporting him through that as It has been a tough year for him as well. Yes I am trying to look after myself. Managed to pick up his suit yesterday after an email saying the one we ordered was delayed. @utopia, I had to pull out all mindfulness yesterday after the b********* that went on with this suit. Got told on thursday night that they donot transfer between shops. Found out from area manager that yes they can if a shop doen't have the full package deal available.
There is alot of other elements to my situation that I have not discussed yet and will in my own time. The reason that I am still here is for my son. I have seen him pushed to the limits as well an have ended up wearing his verbal frustration. I made it clear to husband in our heated discussion last week that I was not leaving because of my son. Don't know if that was a good or bad move .
In response to: Re: Power relationship
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@Heart. The list of narc traits is similar to the 'baby book'. While they cover the general suggestions, when it comes to the emotional side, no book on earth will suffice because emotions never run according to any plan. The basic characteristics of the narc are pretty self-explanatory, but because each person is unique, a lot of it is guess work. I do not have a 'bold' key, as there are no actual icons on the system I use. The system I was using 'died' so I had to introduce another system. My actual email system does have a 'bold' key, but the Sane forums don't seem to have any. My ex sister in-law contacted me some weeks ago (didn't know she was in Oz). According to her, I should by now be getting past my (anger/depression), and returning to her brother (where I belong). Her brother (my ex) had given her the address some time ago, without my knowledge or permission. I pressed the 'return to sender' button. If she re-sends it, I will delete, then 'block'. This family I married into really believe themselves to be 'above' everyone. They firmly believe they know better. My ex has some narc traits, but, again, emotions do enter.
In response to: Re: Power relationship
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@pip, You are not butting in. I do agree with what @utopia is saying that it will happen when he's ready. I understand what you are saying as well. If he has been on his own for a while. he is comfortable with his own lifestyle. It may also be scaring him of any changes to the comfortable life he is in. That we can all relate to . Motel was a great suggestion. Stay positive with open mind and heart.
Go on you for developing your own system that works with your dead computer. Technology, we have to work around it. No internet here last night.
In response to: Power relationship
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@Heart. My guess is YOU are the HEART. And your HUSBAND is the SOULECTOMY! Give it time. Slowly insert your independence. Work on yourself with a psychologist. Then you will gain your strength back. And hopefully the heart and soul will reconnect again.
In response to: Re: Power relationship
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@Heart. The fact that he has told his twin about me, also sent me some family photo's, plus a recent video clip of his two g'daughters means there is bf/gf relationship. In the meantime I'm getting on with my life. I have just applied for and been accepted in a new position within the firm I work for. I start tomorrow, a few weeks training, depending on how long I take to train, and whether they're happy with my performance, hopefully I'll be driving solo in about a month. I am a fast learner, plus I seem to 'click' with most people, so this is another feather.
In response to: Re: Power relationship
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@pip So happy for you to get the job you applied for. Very well done. Yes by the sound of it there is a bf/gf relationship. I think what I am trying to say for the both of you is one step at a time in a comfortable time for both.
Enjoy your training and let us know how it all goes.
You mentioned in an earlier post the your a QLD'r. So am I.
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