Not Coping

Mmm okay it sucks it’s not linear I wish it was. I really do feel like I go one step forward and two steps back. Like I had a step forward going into hospital and having the med change and TMS I though things would improve but I’ve just gone two steps back which sucks big time.

What do you suggest I do for when I get home as I’m really worried once I go back to Vic my depression and suicidal thoughts will get so much worse. I really don’t want to go back to the 12th of May when I had a full plan, means and intent and had the police called on me. I feel I will slip back to there when I get home. I’m really scared to be honest @amber22.

I totally understand that, it can be really challenging and quite frustrating at times when our mental health journeys are not linear, but we just have to remember to do one step at a time @Birdofparadise8

I think that if you're worried about how your thoughts will be when you get back to Vic, it might be a good idea to come up with some distractions that you can plan in to try and distract yourself before the thoughts arise, or even things that you can distract yourself with if you get the start of a negative thought. I also think that making sure that you have a list of supports that you can call on or go to when it starts to get hard might be good as well. Having good things, people, helplines readily available for you can feel like a really good backup to have and it won't feel as scary when you know someone is there to catch you if you slip up

I think it’s one day at a time right now @amber22.

Yeah okay I will have to come up with a list of things. It’s also annoying I’m only working 8 shifts next month. Four of them next week so the other weeks I definitely won’t be as busy.

I was thinking of going on some day trips on my own to different places on the train lines to explore the suburbs of Vic. I’m not sure what else I can do though for the other days.

Okay I know I have KHL and if need be the St V’s triage and ED if needed. I do also have a GP appointment so I can let her know on Monday how things are and what she suggests.

That sounds like such a great start! @Birdofparadise8

And the day trips out on the train lines sound great too - make sure you write a list of ideas or things to do and you can always resort back to the list whenever you're worried about having thoughts or need to distract yourself again. The same with the supports, we have different supports for different situations, so it's nice to know that you have them all there in a list to remind you 🙂

Right okay I think I’ll go through that on Thursday and make a list of both supports and things to do @amber22.

Why can’t things just be simple for once other than things not being linear like you said.

I just feel like I’m failing so much right now. I’m lost my hope to want to live as I’ve tried so many things.

That sounds like a great idea @Birdofparadise8

Aww, you're not failing at all, you're doing so well, I promise! You've got this, just one step at a time ❤️

I still feel like it @amber22 I’m sorry. I just feel so defeated right now. I’m just happy I’m not at Vic tonight or things would be so much worse right now. I really want to cry so badly but I can’t as my mum and dad are sitting next to me right now.

I’m home tomorrow alone till 1pm and then mum will come home to help get the tickets.

One other thing I think because I had suppressed my emotions the past few weeks in hospital and now while I’m home I feel that when I go to Vic on Saturday I will just crumple and fall apart.

Don't say sorry at all, you're only human, you're aloud to feel this way.

I think it's good that you're with your family now. Maybe you could even get an early night to try and stop the thoughts right now and let your mind and body rest @Birdofparadise8

Yeah okay thank you @amber22.

I think I might go to bed very soon. My sleep meds are starting to kick in so I’ll be asleep soon ish.

It has been great talking to you @amber22.

Are you back on tomorrow?

Yes I'll be on tomorrow 🙂 @Birdofparadise8

I hope you have a restful sleep tonight!