Not Coping

I hope you enjoy @Blackbird11

@Jynx I was let down as a five-year-old at my school and every year after that.

It's basically my whole life other than before starting school. It makes me so upset.

I have this lovely photo of me in Prep with a couple of friends. I have it on my phone and look at how happy I am, and I feel so sad knowing that little me is going to be in so much pain and let down by so many people. I'm even crying over it now. You shouldn't be bullied at five years old. let alone any. It was awful. By the time I was 12, I had 120 people who didn't like me. The whole year group. My mum wouldn't let me change schools.

That right there is grief, friend. Grief over a childhood lost, a childhood you didn't get to enjoy because it was marred by the pain of ostracisation. Grief for the pain endured by that little girl. It's one of the heaviest emotions we can feel @Birdofparadise8.

Grief, to me, is intimately intertwined with love. When someone we love dies, we feel grief over all the love we will never get to give. So if you're grieving over your childhood self, then perhaps that shows that you feel you've lost your love of yourself. Or like... Your love for yourself was dampened, stomped on, and almost snuffed out by your peers, who made you feel like you were unlovable. Key word: almost - cos the grief is still here. So the love must be too. Which means you can find it again 💜

I hope that all makes sense, and of course if it doesn't resonate with your experiences that's okay; we all have our own ways of making sense of the world.

Sounds like you're also maybe angry at your mum, as well as the school?

No, that's exactly it @Jynx

Yes, I think I am grieving over that little girl.

Lol, me loving myself is hard.

A little I remember asking in grade seven if I could move schools. Mum told my househead what I told her, and I had to have a meeting with him as to why I wanted to move schools. Obviously, he would know. I would email him at least once a week about what was happening to me. And he did fuck all. In grade eight or nine, there was a situation with one particular student, and it went on the whole year because he didn't know what to do. He was so useless, and all he, the psych, and the wellbeing coordinator would do was tell me not to talk to them, not listen to them, to ignore them and not look at them.

Anyway, after the meeting, moving schools was never discussed again. They and my parents all said it could happen at the other school you move to. I was very willing to take that risk. I have known most of them since I was 4, so that's a long time.

Mum and Dad said when we were talking about my depression and how the bullying impacted me, they didn't know how bad the bullying was. I'm like, ah, yes, you did either I, the teacher, house head, wellbeing coordinator, psych, dep principal or principal would call and tell you.

I hate that school with a passion, and I don't hate many things. It's a strong word of hate. That was the most brutal thing I had to go to. It might not be as significant now if someone were to say those things as I'm older, but at the time, it was so hard and painful. Hearing people saying

and so much much more.

Sorry, got busy as and ran out of time to give you a proper response @Birdofparadise8 but I have read what you've written, taken it in, and can write up a reply tomorrow if I can. Also added a TW, and really do feel for you after reading about the things those bullies said to you. Nasty stuff, you deserve so much better.

Be kind to yourself tonight, ok hun? Catch you soon 💜

Okay, that would be great @Jynx

Much appreciated.

Thank you.

How was the cricket @Blackbird11

I hope you had fun.

Hi @ENKELI @Blackbird11 @creative_writer @Jynx @tyme @Bow @Shaz51

How is everyone today?

I’m just waiting to get a blood test and its been 40 min. I’ve got 7 more people in front of me.

I had more than 13 when I arrived.

It was really close @Birdofparadise8 very entertaining and I enjoyed it.

How are you today? Do you have plans?

That’s good to hear @Blackbird11

I’m going on a date for lunch with a guy.