Not Coping

Yes, I have made risotto quite a number of times myself. I think I'll make it later this week.

What's your go-to for additions? Was it Pumpkin?

Yes, I did say to him we go around in a circle, and he didn't really say that much.

I'll tell him this week for sure and make him change what we're doing. I'm not getting anywhere at this stage. I don't really want to keep getting so sad at nighttime that it gets worse and worse once uni goes back.

I'm just working on my assignment, and I have a PeerChat with RO. I would like to read more of my book as well.

Oh no, I would never be rude or anything to him. I am never rude to anyone most of the time unless they have said something to hurt me. @Jynx

I was telling my therapist last night, and she said I could be just because it's a trauma response, and I don't necessarily have to think things. I say it's like a wave that washes over me, but my psych keeps digging. when there is nothing there. Then I get frustrated, and I feel I'm annoying and wasting his time.

Yeah I mean it could be almost like... your body is so used to getting sad of an evening that it defaults to that out of habit @Birdofparadise8. When you were still in high school and getting bullied, I imagine that during the day you would have been a) just trying to survive and b) had to focus on going to class and keeping the mask on so the bullies didn't have more material/think they were getting to you. So then getting home where you were safe from them, that's when the feelings would come out/start to be processed. Just speculation of course but could be worth investigating further.

And maybe there's not a particular thought that triggers the 'wave' - but do you notice negative thoughts popping up once it hits? Like 'here we go again' or 'why am I like this' or anything like that? Cos even if the emotional wave isn't triggered by particular thoughts, it could be the downward spiral is perpetuated by them.

You'll get there, and start figuring out what works for you in terms of treatment. It's always a bit of a journey but it's worth it.

Yes going to the game tonight @Birdofparadise8

I struggle meeting word limits as I tend to be very direct and to the point.

Hugs for you @Birdofparadise8

The RO appointment is positive, hope it goes well.

Awww thanks @Birdofparadise8 I truly appreciate it and I totally appreciate you... you're so resilient and kind, you matter so much.

Yes, I would say so. I was surviving for 13 years, 40 weeks a year. Yeah, it was hard not to show when people were bullying me. The teachers and psychologist all said I needed to just ignore it. How can you when it's going on for so long? Sorry, I'm typing this, and I get a bit aggressive around this part. The school did me wrong the whole time I was there emotionally. Academically, they helped me.

To be honest, even when I was at home, it was hard to feel safe because I didn't want to share my emotions with my parents. I think it would only be after school if I were alone and when I went to bed.

But hey, don't forget that bullying doesn't finish once you leave the classroom.

Yes, I definitely do. Why am I sad? Why is this happening? what's the point, why can't I get over this, what is wrong with me, what's the point, why I am I here, I'm so stupid, I'm worthless.

Not all of that just happened on one night, hahaha. Those are just some things I would think about once I start to feel sad. Yeah, maybe it is, but I think my such thinks there is something there when I don't think there is. What do you think @Jynx?

Have fun @Blackbird11

Thank you.

Yes, they are very good. Do you know what I mean by RO?

Aww, you are too kind to say that.

Thanks and yes I believe so @Birdofparadise8

I mean it @Birdofparadise8

Okay @Blackbird11

What time does it start?

I'm sorry that your school let you down so immensely @Birdofparadise8 - so crappy to go through that in your formative years. And yo - if you get a bit aggressive around it, pay attention to that! That anger is telling you something, if it's still lingering. Anger is also a secondary emotion, it flares up in response to deeper pain or grief. Could be worth exploring with your psych, why these emotions are still lingering, and ways you might be able to process them.

Maybe those thoughts you mentioned are the kinds of things your psych is looking for you to identify? Like, maybe the goal isn't to stop feeling any kind of sadness or experiencing that wave, but more about how to provide yourself with nurturance and gentle kindness - i.e. it's not about preventing emotional distress, but learning how to get yourself off the spiral before it gets overwhelming.

It started at 7:05 @Birdofparadise8

Going well

Yes they did big time @Jynx

Hmm, okay, I'll see what he says.

Maybe I have no clue, to be honest. I just want all of this to go away. I'm getting worse and I don't know why.