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Love. Hard to break down walls

utopiaSenior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 3:12 pm AEDT

Love. Hard to break down walls

Hi everyone & @Former-Member @Former-Member @Decadian @BlueBay @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope. Please don't be offended if I've left your name out. My memory is bad at the best of times - & not so great at the moment.
I'm not sure if this is even an appropriate post for the SANE Forum. But tthought I'd give it a try.
Have been struggling with a multitude of issues at the moment. But the one I'm really stuck on at the moment, concerns love.
My psychologist brought up last week in session - that I've maybe opened up a 'portal' (stupid word) for love.
He states that with the work that I have been doing - relearning about myself - & with remembering my first love - that this could be an option for me to explore. Not necessarily about a particular individual - but if it might be time to think about if I could be vulnerable enough, & trusting enough, to let someone into my heart.
I've been single for around 10 years. No romance. No holding hands. No sharing of souls. No nothing.
So, when you have 'failed' (yes I know it's the wrong word) in relationships before - how can you allow yourself to be that vulnerable again?
I don't think this is an MI issue - as I am comfortable fully disclosing my MI & won't accept any stigma regarding that.
But how do you allow yourself to be that vulnerable again - while trying to protect your Mental Health?
I just don't know.

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In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

utopiaSenior Contributor15 Oct 2016, 2:22 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Thank you for sharing your story @Appleblossom. Yes, I'd like anyone who wishes to join this conversation to do so. So feel free to add a friend to this post.
I grew up as a teen in the 80's & gave my sex away - relatively easy. Love - not so easily.
I don't want to follow my old pattern of being excited, just because a man shows interest. That is my past. Sex too soon before really getting to know them & their values - just doesn't work.
I'm trying to find out what my barriers are. Once I find them - then I can do something about them. And hopefully then be ready for a loving relationship. I don't think I'm there yet.

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor15 Oct 2016, 2:41 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Hi @Appleblossom

I did grow up in the church, just not
In the one I am in now .... but the values were / are the same ....

We had a very strong youth group and these things were fully discussed and laid out as a way of endeavouring to empower the youth to live their faith first, and grow relationships onto that foundation. It took life taking me in different directions, amongst a wide variety of different people and circumstances to understand just how special that grounding was.

It breaks my heart to hear how shabbily you were treated ..... when the values are held true there ought to be no discrimination based in dress codes and other superficial things ..... there is every emphasis on empathy and the understanding that our lot in life can change in a moment, and It may be us who lands on either the upper or lower deck, and learning to live within a new set of circumstances.

Discrimination happens against everybody, in all walks of life, of all means, and all cultural backgrounds, sometimes in ways you would least expect it, and we all have issues to work out ....

You have a truth and integrity that shines out from your situation @Appleblossom, and it's clearly hard-won. Those who can't see that are poorer for it.

@utopia

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

utopiaSenior Contributor15 Oct 2016, 5:54 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

I saw this and thought it may be appropriate for this post. I'm not sure where it originally comes from - so cannot give credit to the Author - sorry.

People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

We all have reasons, seasons or lifetimes in our life right now. The Key is making these Reasons a Lifetime!!!

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor15 Oct 2016, 6:35 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

I have seen this before @utopia .... sage advice, isn't it ?

This thread looks like a good place for these sort of "reminders" ....,

Anybody seen @Former-Member .... ?

💜

In response to: Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

AppleblossomSenior Contributor15 Oct 2016, 7:20 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Thank you so much @Faith-and-Hope Actually I feel like a lot of my commitment to the forum is a labour of love. I do not believe romantic love is the greatest ideal .. it encourages a lot of selfish 'you pat my back I'll pat yours' .. and limited social conscience about the consequences of one's offsprings behaviours.

@utopia maybe my marriage was only meant to be for a season and a reason .. I can agree to that. I cannot say my marriage was a mistake. I dont feel that way at all .. I entered it with good will and the knowledge I had at the time. I have been mocked ha ha by relatives about the choices some people make ha ha .. but it was not healthy for me or my biological children.

Even now, I often feel misunderstood as people make so many generalisations and take so many things for granted that was simply not part of my experience at all. I cringe when psychic intuitive types make judgemental statements. Our youth club was very adhoc .. a few good people but everybody struggling .. and yep the seminarian who gave me my first job reference got my girlfriend preggers .. but at least the seminarians didnt laugh at me to my face. So many confusions .. at the time my mothers level of communication was devils making love to her in the night ... and making nasty comments about every human who we encountered ... no reading of newspapers, magazines or light fiction.. I went to the priest .. one of the other priests made someone else pregnant .. That was my world 13-16. I did maths & science & worked .. and do not regret leaving school or home at 16 for one moment. My family was mad and my church was mad and honestly the whole bloody world was mad. Incest to deal with at 21 with no proper conversations just judgements and walls and fear and needy siblings. I know I gave the right support & advice to my siblings but people find suicide hard and tend to blame me as oldest. I dont regret being promiscuous for a few years either. I learned about some of the hipocrisies of middleclass Australia (with or without religion) and I learned about voluntary & involuntary bodily processes. These days most people get off lightly doing hundred times worse things than I ever did. Friends making excuses for them etc. I am very tired. I didnt feel inclined to experiment after I left marraige .. been there done that .. and knew it would not help my son or daughter.

So I decided to post on the forum without walls.

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

utopiaSenior Contributor15 Oct 2016, 8:06 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

@Appleblossom my marriages I do not regret.They taught me didifferent things. And I got my son - so that was worth it.
Everyone's journey is different. No one journey will suit everyone. A bit like one medication or one therapy isn't for all.
But I would like to have a chance to love again. I can't imagine spending the next 30 odd years alone.

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

Unknown userMember16 Oct 2016, 2:52 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

@utopia wrote:
Not necessarily about a particular individual - but if it might be time to think about if I could be vulnerable enough, & trusting enough, to let someone into my heart.
I've been single for around 10 years. No romance. No holding hands. No sharing of souls. No nothing.
So, when you have 'failed' (yes I know it's the wrong word) in relationships before - how can you allow yourself to be that vulnerable again?
But how do you allow yourself to be that vulnerable again - while trying to protect your Mental Health?
I just don't know.

Hi @utopia

I have only had the opportunity to read a few posts so forgive me if anything I say in answer to your questions has already been said.

How do we we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and trusting enough to let someone into our hearts again after experiencing failed relationships. I did this 22 yrs ago after failed relationships and in my experience it is about "not allowing yourself to be vulnerable in the next relationship". Learn from what went wrong in the past ones (certain personality-character defects, disrespect, abuses etc that were present in last loves that hurt you - avoid people like this etc).

I had a clear impression in my mind the type of people I wanted close to me, whether that be a partner or friends - and the most important thing was that they "shared the same values" as I did. Not necessarily the same interests or lifestyle habits (unless serious ofcourse) as no one is perfect (e.g. my husband smoked when I met him - took me years to convince him to give up lol). But definitely the same values. That is the key for any relationship to survive. And for the person of interest to "be genuine" with no alterior motive - to have a good heart. Then it's a safer risk but like all relationships they need to be nurtured. If one or the other partner doesn't do the latter it won't last. And that's regarding the others welfare equal to our own.

We are less vulnerable to hurt and failed relationships if we get to know the other first, share the same values and let each "earn the others trust" before we take that leap of letting someone into our hearts. In the process of building trust if disrespect is shown we back off and close our hearts off (keep an emotional distances). This will safeguard against abuse and hurts and protect our mental health. If respect flourishes we can then take that next step of letting another into our hearts and lives with mental health not only intact but enhanced.

If shared values and respect is present along with trust being built and we are still hesitatant - then that is a lack of belief that we are worthy of love. To stop this misconception depriving us of love we need to "take a leap of faith", take a risk and give the relationship our all and "trust the other".

This is what I did with my now husband and the relationship has been tested to the hilt in tough times; but not only did it succeed but I found my soul mate. Wishing you love and peace @utopia

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

utopiaSenior Contributor16 Oct 2016, 4:02 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Wow @Former-Member. I think you hit the nail on the head with your answer. Everything you just said - made perfect sense.
It is about having the same values and trust. That's what I do with new friendships.
I think I just got caught up in the fear. But it doesn't have to be anxiety ridden. Because friendship comes first.
Your words have helped calm me. I don't need to worry. I don't really even need to think about love at all.
I just have to keep learning about myself & putting little bit after little bit of trust in others.
You've made me cry. Good tears. It's really so simple.
Thank you.
And congratulations on finding your soul mate and nurturing that love.

In response to: Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Unknown userMember16 Oct 2016, 4:15 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Your most welcome dear @utopia and thank you. You are right, it doesn't have to be anxiety ridden as friendship does come first. ❤️💕💛🌹xxxxxx

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

Unknown userMember16 Oct 2016, 4:49 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Hi @utopia. Just thought I'd add in here that I met a really nice single man last night. I have no interest in a relationship now but it gave me faith that one day I might meet someone when I'm ready. I think they do exist. I hope it comes your way when you are ready. 💜😊
@Appleblossom. One of my favourite quotes is
"The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, "If you will take care of me, I will take care of you. "Now I say, I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me".
Jim Rohn

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