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Love. Hard to break down walls

utopiaSenior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 3:12 pm AEDT

Love. Hard to break down walls

Hi everyone & @Former-Member @Former-Member @Decadian @BlueBay @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope. Please don't be offended if I've left your name out. My memory is bad at the best of times - & not so great at the moment.
I'm not sure if this is even an appropriate post for the SANE Forum. But tthought I'd give it a try.
Have been struggling with a multitude of issues at the moment. But the one I'm really stuck on at the moment, concerns love.
My psychologist brought up last week in session - that I've maybe opened up a 'portal' (stupid word) for love.
He states that with the work that I have been doing - relearning about myself - & with remembering my first love - that this could be an option for me to explore. Not necessarily about a particular individual - but if it might be time to think about if I could be vulnerable enough, & trusting enough, to let someone into my heart.
I've been single for around 10 years. No romance. No holding hands. No sharing of souls. No nothing.
So, when you have 'failed' (yes I know it's the wrong word) in relationships before - how can you allow yourself to be that vulnerable again?
I don't think this is an MI issue - as I am comfortable fully disclosing my MI & won't accept any stigma regarding that.
But how do you allow yourself to be that vulnerable again - while trying to protect your Mental Health?
I just don't know.

56 replies

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In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

utopiaSenior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 11:47 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

@Faith-and-Hope. That is very sensible advice. I like that. And really, it's what I do with my MI issues - break it down into smaller parts - so that I can understand it - & then move onto the next part.
I think I can do that with this fear. Because you're right. It is 100% about fear.
You are one smart lady. Thank you.
And your husband is one lucky man. I hope he is able to recognise his health issues soon and seek some help. So that you both can heal.

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

utopiaSenior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 11:52 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

@pip. I like @Kurra 's suggestion of planting the seed. Because he may never have thought of that as an option. And the distance - location wise - may well be a barrier to him holding back.
However, I agree with full honesty and disclosure. So maybe mention you know someone with this arrangement & how you like this idea and then leave it with him to think over. Rather than letting him believe it was his idea.

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 11:56 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Thanks @utopia 💜

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

Unknown userMember15 Oct 2016, 12:00 am AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Your welcome. Here is an image poster of it if you want. I think you would love a lot of her writing and talks too

@utopia

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

espritSenior Contributor15 Oct 2016, 7:11 am AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

I say go for it. Just make sure you find the right man. One that's supportive kind generous ect. Xx

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

pipSenior Contributor15 Oct 2016, 8:52 am AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Hi @Kurra. I actually suggested to him about an 'online' relationship once before, and he did agree that he liked the idea. I have told him I love him, I've never suggested living together. I actually reiterated I wasn't keen on living together anyway. He actually did have another person keen on him, but she apparently was using him as a means of payback on her hubby. Between that and his 25 year marriage going 'up in smoke' I guess he is 'gun shy' when it comes to relationships. I know I am. I kind of get the impression he really cares, but perhaps he is frightened I'll arrive out of the blue. I wouldn't, I'm simply not that type of person. Yes, I would love to visit with him, spend time with him, perhaps stay a weekend or something, but live permanently - no way.

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

KurraSenior Contributor15 Oct 2016, 9:01 am AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Morning @pip
We tend to spend a few weeks together and then 3 or 4 months apart. It's a no pressure setup that works well for us. I go there or he comes here.
Maybe it's time to mention this system and that you could be open to such an arrangement. This way you don't need to give up your home or lifestyle and nor does he.
Have a great day 🎶💕

In response to: Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Shaz51Senior Contributor15 Oct 2016, 12:50 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Good morning @Kurra, @utopia, @pip, @esprit, @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope

there are lots of great advice here

Yes , my husband and I were friends first

hope everyone is having a good day today xx

In response to: Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Shaz51Senior Contributor15 Oct 2016, 1:18 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Hello @Appleblossom

how are you today ??

Missed you last night at friday feast , hope your week was ok

In response to: Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

AppleblossomSenior Contributor15 Oct 2016, 1:31 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Hello @utopia et.al.

@utopia Glad you are working with a good therapist.

I hope you dont mind if I join this conversation. I have wanted to have a conversation like this for 40 years. It just wasnt a possibility in the social environments I was in.

@Former-Member I will research that BRAVING concept. it includes a lot of my values but there is some more refinement I can work on. Thanks

@Faith-and-Hope I found your comments interesting. I am just wondering though. You did not grow up in a church did you? I did and found that NOBODY had a clear concept about the issues like you outlined. I wish they had, I would have felt less isolated. It is part of the reason I left the church as I was sick of being laughed at for taking issues seriously. Were they laughing at my shabby clothes or sniggering at my naivete. I was a catechetics teacher and church organist. I do not know, but it gave me a sense that they were all corrupt in some way. So I started on my own experimental journey to discover what sexuality & intimacy were about, whilst very much in the dark I dont regret my decisions as I really did try to reach out within the confines of my religion. I think you have relevant points though as it seemed to be the reason my church did grant me an annulment of my marriage a few years ago. A kind of concession to the complexities perhaps. Unfotunately my mother was not happy with the chuch's decision and always put herself above priests etc being an organist in multiple parishes, which is why I did ask her to be involved in the annulment proceedings. Which is also why I now am firm about her actually having a mental illness. If she really lived me she would have eventually ... "come to my party" and apologised for not giving me enough herself.

I have a lot of difficulty thinking I am worthy of love ... still open though.

@utopia For me the twists and turns re mental illness and love in all its facets ... is really complicated. I am still getting a handle on it all and have been trying to isolate and work on separate issues one step at a time.

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.