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Love. Hard to break down walls

utopiaSenior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 3:12 pm AEDT

Love. Hard to break down walls

Hi everyone & @Former-Member @Former-Member @Decadian @BlueBay @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope. Please don't be offended if I've left your name out. My memory is bad at the best of times - & not so great at the moment.
I'm not sure if this is even an appropriate post for the SANE Forum. But tthought I'd give it a try.
Have been struggling with a multitude of issues at the moment. But the one I'm really stuck on at the moment, concerns love.
My psychologist brought up last week in session - that I've maybe opened up a 'portal' (stupid word) for love.
He states that with the work that I have been doing - relearning about myself - & with remembering my first love - that this could be an option for me to explore. Not necessarily about a particular individual - but if it might be time to think about if I could be vulnerable enough, & trusting enough, to let someone into my heart.
I've been single for around 10 years. No romance. No holding hands. No sharing of souls. No nothing.
So, when you have 'failed' (yes I know it's the wrong word) in relationships before - how can you allow yourself to be that vulnerable again?
I don't think this is an MI issue - as I am comfortable fully disclosing my MI & won't accept any stigma regarding that.
But how do you allow yourself to be that vulnerable again - while trying to protect your Mental Health?
I just don't know.

56 replies

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In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

KurraSenior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 9:54 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

It was 12 years @utopia.
I had never stopped loving him so that connection already there and I was certain that he still loved me. He simply didn't realise it until his gf at the time in an argument told him that the problem was that he had never stopped loving me. She left and he realised that she was righht.

We were in email contact for about 6 weeks and it developed from there. I'm still wary but not scared. I look after myself first these days. I'm never going to become a doormat again. We'd been married 30 years when we split.

I guess in a way I didn't completely trust him so that was confirmed when I recommended a part-time relationship. Our children still worry a bit and frequently ask if everything is still OK.

Knowing that I can always just go back to my place also helps. At least I know I won't end up living on the streets for months. I can just go home.

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

utopiaSenior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 9:54 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

@Faith-and-Hope. Yes my psychologist spoke about the 4 stages of a relationship.
First - friendship.
Second - trust.
Third - dating.
Forth - sex.
He states that each level can take months to develop. And it will be a different time line for each state - but that the order of these 'rules' - remains the same.
I guess it's a bit like developing a friendship with a new girl. You look at commonalities & feel you may want to hang around this person more. Then you learn more about each others values & slowly build and test trust into the friendship. The more you do this - the more you will know how much trust & to what level this friendship is. Is this a friend for going out with and having fun. Or is this a friendship where you could trust this person with your secrets - like a best friend.
I think - I know - I over think things too much. I guess I'm just trying to look at what my barriers are that I have built around my heart.
I'm not even sure where to start looking. It's like it's own area of my personality - that I have buried. And it looks like it will take a lot of digging - to find my answers.

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

Shaz51Senior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 10:00 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Thank you for including me @utopia xx

@Faith-and-Hope, I agree with you that sex is the last issue with regards to forming a new relationship.

As for me @utopia, I didn`t get married until I was 43

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

utopiaSenior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 10:02 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

@pip. Maybe it's time you sit down together and have a heart to heart. Explaining what you have here in this post.
is there a reason why he is holding back? Does he need more time? Is there an issue or two that is unresolved between you? Does he want a permanent relationship?
I think these questions might need to be asked and answered. But not over the phone or internet - but face to face.

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

KurraSenior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 10:02 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Sometimes you've just got to plant a seed or two @pip. Now you can say 'I know someone who has........ etc. It sounds like a really good way to have a relationship but also have your own space. ' After that just say no more. It might be all he needs. 💕🎶

In response to: Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Unknown userMember14 Oct 2016, 10:12 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Hey @utopia,

I haven't got much to offer in this conversation right now but I know exactly what you are feeling. I've had my life shattered twice now, the last was a total annihilation of trust. I didnt know what trust was before I came across this and loved it. It's my new formula for trust but I haven't tested it out yet as I don't get out my front door much. Yes it's another Brene Brown one

B – Boundaries. You respect my boundaries and when you are not clear about what’s OK and what’s not OK, you ask. You are willing to say no.

R – Reliability. You do what you say you’ll do. At work this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so that you don’t over-promise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities.

A – Accountability. You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends.

V – Vault. You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept and that you are not sharing with me information about other people that should be confidential.

I – Integrity. You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them.

N – Non-judgment. I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment.

G – Generosity. You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of others.

i hope you find peace with this. I should tell you irony is that I looked on dating sites at one point. The person whose profile I most liked was my ex 😱 which makes me think I'm a bit doomed really as that ended up a trust nightmare.

Sending hugs😊💐🤗

In response to: Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

pipSenior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 10:50 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

Hi @utopia. I would love to sit down and have a heart to heart. However it's not possible. He lives interstate. I may just have to email and be patient. The only other alternative is to take Kurra's suggestion and 'plant a seed'. If I can 'plant' an idea then wait till he suggests something. I know we often have to let guys believe an idea we planted, was their idea anyway. I'm not a lover of 'games'. I prefer straight shooting.

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

KurraSenior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 11:04 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

I hear what you're saying @pip but we can all fall in to not saying things for all sorts of reasons. Fear is one of those reasons.
As this bloke lives interstate the system that my man and I use could be perfect. Our respective homes are 1000 kms apart.
He may never have thought of a part-time solution. By mentioning it, you are also giving him time to give the idea due consideration. 🎶

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 11:28 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

@utopia

I haven't read other responses yet to j ow how that might affect this answer .... but it is also likely to be a fear of the unknown ..... all the what-if's ......

That's where baby steps come in. Whenever I am finding myself spooked by all the what-if's in regard to my WH, I have to take my eyes off the bigger picture and focus on the next steps on my immediate path.

It sort of runs in opposition to advice we are given to stop and look at the bigger picture, which has it's merits in some situations definitely, but sometimes the bigger picture is too much to take in and we have to reduce things down to a smaller view, so we unfreeze and take a step forward, and then another one .....

Reducing the size of the view doesn't mean we have a smaller life ..... in fact it changes the perspective and you can start to see that the life space you are in is big enough for the moment.

That's how I like to look at it anyway ....

🌷💜

In response to: Love. Hard to break down walls

utopiaSenior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 11:33 pm AEDT

Re: Love. Hard to break down walls

@Former-Member. Thank you for that. I'm going to write that down - BRAVING. Makes it very clear what you need and expect from others - whether that is a friend or possible love interest. Thanks.

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