Still safe

Feeling really low today @hanami. I don't know what to do. I just wish it was all over. I have nothing to live for anymore. Nothing.

Oh this is not good at all @Historylover. Are you safe for now? We are all here for you and value you greatly as a community member.

Sending hugs

Hanami ❤️

Broken, @hanami. Safe, wish I wasn't.

Not OK, @hanami. I'm absolutely broken. My life isn't life. It isn't even existence. It's just ongoing trauma. Even repeatedly swinging from normal to despair is additionally traumatic, as I know when I feel normal, it will only be for a short while. Then there are all the other impossibilities I am dealing with. I am just being kept alive to accumulate money for my family to inherit. It's soul-destroying to be so used.

I've been looking into psychiatrists and don't get good feelings about any. I think the only good ones are the ones we haven't assessed properly. The sight of them makes my face prickle. My purpose in life is clearly, and only, to enrich others and I resent it, deeply. And they can never get enough from me. My father's life was the same. My lineage is brought to ruin at every generation. It's heart breaking.

I used to say I don't know how to get out of this mess. There is no way out. None.

That is so awful. Sounds like some really horrible stuff and feelings going on. But we are here for you.

Hugs

Hanami

@Historylover

What if you looked at something like the internal family systems model.

What if you did not give your old shrink all the credit for your strengths and recoveries, but he was just the dude who was with you for while you were getting started processing your childhood traumas. Dont give him too much power or credit. Its yours. Give him a little credit maybe, but he was doing his job and he did get fairly paid, the actual progress is yours.

After struggling with crippling suicidal ideation for decades, I am learning to balance my thinking, from when I swing into too much despair or hope. I recognise that I have a tendency to go both ways, but also getting more confident that I can find my balance again.

You understand your family of origin's challenges enough to forgive them. That is huge, and find a way to forgive yourself for your family of creation dilemnas, rather than blaming yourself or him or them. It is so hard, finding harmony and peace within ourselves. I do believe power imbalances can play a huge role, and it seems to have happened in your family dynamics and in mine. I can get upset about the injustices in my life, but then try to put it away from me... no point.

I am not over the moon with psychiatrists or counsellors any more. Sometimes they may be a necessary evil. So my brain does not explode, but gets anchored in conversation.

I had 2 job offers today ... just casual ... few hours per month ... but it was a pleasant surprise.

Had a beautiful walk in wetlands with my support worker and reduced her to fortnightly. It looks like a good decision so far. Reduced my night meds a little for this week.

Gently Bently

Apple

There is a lot of sense in that, @Appleblossom. I often think that maybe he was just the stabilizer who made it possible for me to unravel the mess others had made of me. He was the first reliable (but only in the sense of being 'constant') person who gave me the space to find myself. He was the first person to show me respect, too.

@Appleblossom, I'm never going to understand him and it would be glib to say 'just put him behind me', because I find that almost impossible. He gave me a 'schema' (from my phone: a mental codification of experience that includes a particular organized way of perceiving cognitively and responding to a complex situation or set of stimuli)–a way of understanding things so that I am able to function, to understand what is going on around me, and predict outcomes from past experience. So how do I understand things now? I still do, but I don't understand him or how he could do this.

That I am still swinging from one understanding of him to the opposite beggars belief, but that is what he has done to me and I have no control over it. I don't understand how I could have misread him for such a long time. My schema needs to be readjusted and I can't do that until he makes sense. Did he really do this on purpose, or did he change direction at some stage? He was so convincing, not just in his behaviour but also in his actions–like he was snubbing his nose at his profession and showing he knew better ... and he did. And he was doing it for me, my family, his family, his profession and for society–because everything is so out of kilter. But it was all just an evil trick. What the hell? I can't make sense of that or of him.

Sure, I'm very proud of what I have achieved, but I doubt that I would have done so without him giving me the strength to persevere. But that may have been part of the trick–to educate me while ensuring no access to similar society by sabotaging my attempts to reconcile my family, betraying me and impoverishing me to make sure that I now don't fit anywhere. With anyone. I have no-one to discuss serious matters with, make discoveries with. I must have given him such an ego trip because I thought the sun shone out of him, and that must've been such a boost.

I wish I could move on @Appleblossom, but I rent a one-bedroom unit, have no family or friends, and fit nowhere. I am in total isolation–and he did that to me. I'd give anything to have a psychiatrist to discuss things with, but they misunderstand so much, misdiagnose, and discuss our 'case' with GPs, and we don't know what they are saying. As a result, I can't speak freely as it is not confidential, correctly interpreted or respected. They are so clinical, so impersonal and so 'superior' even though they are making many, many mistakes, and are no better than we are–they've just had different opportunities, experiences and upbringing.

I respect education, but education that teaches incorrectly and disperses their kind onto a vulnerable, trusting and naive population is not to be respected.

I'm pleased for you that you are getting to balance your thinking. I attended an alt2su online meeting tonight. Perhaps I'll attend again. It was nice to have the company of people who have walked the same path, and be where we can say things forbidden here for fear of breaching guidelines, or having interventions imposed. There is something so therapeutic about saying the words we have to hold back here. It sits like a lump in our throat if we can't express the words.

---

@Historylover wrote:

The personal issues I am dealing with are insurmountable @NatureLover.

I could probably slide into depression if I give up on my fight to survive, and perhaps I should.

---

I'm sorry to hear, @Historylover 😞

I see you had a tough day yesterday...I really hope things improve for you soon...

@Historylover

I am not saying to put him behind you and move on, just engaging in the best way I know how. Trying to open the space around your feelings about him and therapy in the hope you find something that can anchor your experience and help you manage the swings. They call it 'the transference'. I have no idea of his motives or anything beyond what you post, and what is general to the profession and the roles. Still your feelings and memories are yours, not his, they are part of your soul. We are relational beings, but also separate.

Today I heard someone died. She had been kind when I first arrived in this location 20 years ago. Just reminds me to keep wise to the cycles in life.

First day of spring. Shifts in mood are natural. I have a big range in feeling states. For myself Been on the precipice so much, but realising that I can also use that as a natural boundary. Here I am walking that line again, making sure it is there ... kind of thing ... acknowledging myself as a tightrope walker ... and time moves on and a different scene emerges....

@Appleblossom, I hoped when I wrote that that it didn't sound like I was referring to you personally. I wasn't. I was referring to how others–any others–may reasonably respond to my repetitive posts, just saying the same thing over and over. I drives me bonkers, so it must do the same to others, but I can't help it. This matter has just left me utterly bewildered. I had said to him that if he ever made a mistake, it would be devastating for me as I had such complete trust in him. I was, symbolically speaking, tightrope walking across the Niagara Falls without a safety harness, because he said that he could get me safely to the other side. Such was my trust in him, because he had consistently shown that he would never let me down. Then he did in a way that was without heart, and so contrary to my understanding of who I had known him to be.

Spring, yay! And another day has begun... I'm back immersed in my studies.

Have a good day @Appleblossom. We'll all be OK, I'm almost certain. The wheels of life continue to turn... Sad to hear that someone you had known had passed. My condolences. Such things help us to get life in perspective, don't they, and ensure we don't waste our days?

Have a good day @Appleblossom