Still safe

I've tried not to post but I feel so 'finished'. I don't know what to do. You know I've been determined not to let this situation get the better of me, even though there was little hope of succeeding. And again, I've failed. I don't see any reason to keep trying because the outcome is always the same. My ex-psy sure did a number on me. He has thoroughly closed all paths. I can't even move from this location and I can't stay. It's just moment-by-moment 'existence'.

I've finished my course unit and it will be several weeks before the next one begins. I wonder whether I'll get an appropriate assessment or whether the teacher's personal attitude to me will prevail. With their biased assessment, it's been unpleasant to try to work through. Certain university 'types' look after their own kind, and as I've always had my path to success blocked, they want to maintain the status quo. We started with a large number of students and about 3 persisted with all optional work, and no-one zoomed in for regular sessions. What a farce! I guess they get paid regardless, and the more drop out–the less work they have to do, and the fewer succeed in their dreams. I need inspiration to apply myself and they don't instill it. I'm trying to find alternative courses of interest, but there are none to date.

I've come to the end of the line, I think. Everyone has been waiting for it, and they've been so patient. I just don't know how to keep going or why I should bother.

Your support has pulled me out of the deepest despair on earlier occasions, but it's just a matter of time until I burn out. It has given me another two years of life, and I've achieved several other matters I wanted to, despite the obstacles. But I just don't fit anywhere. Never have, and it's even worse now that my ex-psy has so maliciously set me up for this isolation. How I would have loved to have outplayed him. I feel like the walking dead, and it shows.

I would like to get my assignment results–just for interest sake–and see another birthday next month. Other than that, I can only say life has been hell. Still safe.