I can’t cope

It’s a bugger that the kids are working. @Snowie. Will H visit?

I took some prn and had a sleep. Which probably wasn’t a good idea but it felt the safest thing to do. It’s so hard.

I’ve got an appointment with my CM on Tuesday if she remembers, and a GP app on Wednesday. So it’s only the weekends and Friday afternoon. Then we go away. I will need a lot of support between getting home and going again though.

The Pdoc did mention something about the peer worker that has just started. But I’m not sure how comfortable we will be together. He has an absolutely amazing soul, a massive heart and is such a gentleman. When we went missing we all shared the post and said to contact us. A lot of us drove around to try and find him. I was so shattered for him. We all helped him through it with what we could do, in hindsight, with no knowledge. I was his boss at the time.

Anyway.. that was long winded over nothing. But he is lovely just not sure on the dynamics.

Do you go to a dining room for dinner or do they bring it to you?

I need to scream.. I need to get it all out. I need pain.. I need hurt..I need.. I don’t know what I need.. I’m lost..

I have to spend over an hour with mum… I don’t want to… I don’t want to listen… I don’t want to hear all the bad stuff.. I don’t want to hear what she has to say.. it’ll be the same things she has already told me twice on two phone calls today... I don’t want her to ask questions that I can’t answer. I don’t want to see anyone… I just want to be left alone.. I want the outside world to disappear.. I can’t function in the outside.. I can barely function in my 4 walls..

Why can’t everything just stop…why am I so horrible.. I deserve what’s happening to me… I deserve to suffer… I deserve to be alone… I deserve everything bad..

Hey @Captain24 ,

What's happening? It sounds so painful right now.

I hate everything @tyme. I hate myself.. I hate me life.. I hate being alive… I hate who I’ve become… I hate that I have to have conversations… I hate that I’m still under their control… I hate that I have to run every time mum asks… I hate that I am not good enough… I hate that I have to put up with this… I hate that it’s my fault… I hate that I’ll be told I’m thoughtless… I hate everything about me and my life

I hear this is so hard @Captain24 . What can you do to help break this cycle of thinking?

I don’t know.. @tyme I don’t know anything.. mums just pulled up so now I have to go for a walk and listen to her bullshit.. I can’t take anymore..

Do it for her @Captain24 .

Remember when I went away to my parents? 3-4 hours talking AT me the whole time....

I sat there thinking I'm doing it for her....

I wonder if you could do the same?

I did it @tyme.. I just had to put up with the same thing for the third time today.

At least I got to see Jett on his first walk. So that’s something she can’t take away from me or guilt trip me on.

It’s one milestone I’ve made. Don’t know if I can make the others. I want to but everyone would be better off if I couldn’t.

I just need someone to say it’s ok to go and then I will. I just need permission for the end

Sorry, I can't give you that permission. @Captain24

You know we can't.

Well done for making it. I guess she talked AT you too?

Why three walks today?