I can’t cope

Oh! Is that what the admission paper work is. Makes sense... but imagine people who are acutely unwell needing to do that paperwork? It's a bit inaccessible it sounds @Captain24 Oh well.

Here's the link to legoland https://www.legolanddiscoverycentre.com/melbourne/ I've been so many times. The first time I went, I was in awe of what they have there. They have designed and built the entire melb city using lego. @Captain24

So so interesting. I've got so many photos of legoland but I can't share them because my phone's not happy with sharing photos...grr.. I know what you mean about the photos. How annoying. May need to raise this with the co-design people.

@Captain24

It’s really difficult which is making me start to second guess myself @tyme. But I have told my CM and you that I’m going to do it so now I have to.

I won’t be going to Melbourne anytime soon. Otherwise I’d go and have a look. It looks amazing!

The option was there until things started to change in the background. Now you know why I was having trouble a couple of weeks ago. It’s frustrating

I know you can do it @Captain24 . Hence we are here for you. It may not do miracles, but ay least you can say you've given it a go. It will also be an opportunity to sort of 'relax' and be rid of the constant anxieties of being on edge all the time. That's what I found was most helpful. The schedule and routine gave predictability which meant it reduce the cognitive load on someone who wasn't feeling so well.

Maybe travelling to Melb can be your end reward 🙂 Jokes. Set yourself these little goals and it may be helpful for you moving forward.

One thing I have to say about working with you is that you try. You give things a go. You keep to your word. That's your strength.

It’s not until March @tyme. But if I get the admission right at least it’s a start. I just hope I can make it through that long.

I do keep to my word. That is a strength I can recognise. If I say ‘I’ll try’ that’s different.

I need help to get it through until then. I do have my supports and my CM is now really on board. On think the trip on Tuesday night bought things to light for her.

My bestie lives in Melbourne so maybe!!

Yes, I'm glad. I'm sorry it happened the way it did, but I'm also pleased with that it means the ball is now rolling. It's been brewing for a long time. @Captain24 I guess on the forums we can see what you were like when you first connected compared to where you are now to see that things have been up and down, but this has been a long down period. Your CM came into the pic a bit later and prob didn't see the Captain that was in a much better place early on. What do you think?

She has seen most of it @tyme except for 3 months. In that time it’s when I thought I was at my lowest and made the attempts. She has been through a lot with me and is has been amazing. Sometimes she knows me better than I do. She is concerned about my anger. I said that I’m not angry. Apparently I have an aura around me of anger.

She knew I wasn’t well but hadn’t spoken to me face to face until Wednesday. She had the Christmas period off.

Are you still with us when you’re on holidays?

Yes, I'm still around when I go away on Monday. I don't work M-T, and I'll be back by around Australia Day so it'll only be 2 days or something. @Captain24

You know what I feel? Maybe the anger is anger towards yourself as opposed to others? What do you think?

I’m glad you will still be around. @tyme.

I know I take up your time and I shouldn’t. I do feel guilty about it. Many others are probably in more need. But it does help with the isolation have dragged myself into. I have never felt so alone. I have never felt that I shouldn’t be alone.

I haven’t really made many friends on here and I feel like I drive than away any way. It’s all good though I’m just a severely depressed mess and it’s better that no one wants to be around anyway. I don’t think I could maintain a friendship. I’m struggling enough with myself.

Maybe that’s the anger and I just haven’t allowed myself to feel it. As there is just too much else going on.

If I was comfortable with my parents and thought that they would understand, I would have told my CM the complete truth. That I can’t get through the weekend. But know I’ve got nowhere to turn too so I will have to find the strength some how to get through.

I do have a psych and GP appointment on Monday. Plus assistance with my admission form. So I’ll have some support then. But until then all I’ve got is you guys and I know I’m wearing my welcome really thin.

Talking is helping with the loneliness. It’s not the kind of loneliness that being social will fix it’s a dangerous kind.

oh and ps I’m safe