I can’t cope

Thank you @Nala2022

It was so hard. Yesterday wasn’t to bad but today isn’t good either. I’m really struggling. I had so much to do but haven’t done any of it. I just slept in. I have to get it all done as I go back to work tomorrow. The lawns at my place and mum and dads need to be done, the dogs need to be bathed and lunches need to be prepared and kitchen clean. I do have a psych appointment at 12 though. I just feel like doing it as I am but I had better at least tie my hair up and chuck some kind of top on. She wouldn’t care though but I do.

You deserved it and I wanted it known to above. People always complain but never give credit where credit is due. You help in so many ways. You kept me safe and out of hospital you and MissGremlin. This psych appointment isn’t going to be long enough.

How are you going?

@Captain24 I'm sorry today is feeling so difficult again. Please try not to be too hard on yourself for sleeping in or not getting everything done. You’re struggling at the moment, and you deserve some compassion from yourself too

I'm glad you have your psych appointment today. Even if it doesn't feel like enough time, I hope you're able to share how difficult things have been and talk through what support you need. I think tying your hair up and putting on a comfortable top sounds like more than enough if that's what feels manageable right now

Thank you for your lovely words. It genuinely means a lot to know that the support you received has made a difference to you

I'm doing okay, thank you for asking. It's cold here again today, I want the sun back!

Please remember to give yourself some of the same kindness you so readily show others 💛

So I just had my psych appointment. It went waaayyy overtime.

I completely lost it. Full breakdown. I’d get myself together and then breakdown again. I’m exhausted.

I told her verything. Absolutely everything including the extras I’ve been taking. All about Saturday and Sunday. I left nothing on the table. I’m actually hoping I don’t get a knock on the door. She did say she would email my GP and Pdoc so hopefully that’s it. I do think she would have said something though.

I have to see if the company I’ve got my home loan through will give me a break from my payments for 4 weeks which is only 2 payments and I’m way ahead. I need to email my psych to say I have done that. Next week are are going to try and work

out the logistics of my dogs. I know it’s not going to work. But she really really wants me in hospital and is scared for my safety. Goes to show that I literally told her everything.

The first question she asked me after I told her things were bad was the suicidal and self harm thoughts. I was honest. It all just came rolling out from there. I told her how alone I am and I just lost it. I kept saying sorry and she didn’t even comment. She did ask my current distress level in that moment and I told her 9. That’s when the admission conversation became serious. I told her I reached out to online chat on Saturday. She was shocked and I told her I considered hospital but was scared that they wouldn’t let me out. She asked if that would have been the worst thing. I told her that I am NOT going public. So she pushed again for an admission. She knows that I do not reach out and hospital would be the last thing I would consider.

She asked which hospital. I told her the one a friend had been at and that she was able to walk down to the beach every morning. That she was really happy there. So I told her I would look at that one. She was excited as she was working out our psych app while I would be in as it’s just down the road from her.

She checked in to see how I was at the end of our appointment. I have calmed down a little bit, not quite as distressed.

Im suppose to mow mum and dads lawn but I really don’t want to. I thought maybe I could plant the seed and say that I had a really hard psych appointment and I’m struggling a bit and see what happens. They don’t believe I have a problem with my mental health. It’s not important and just a pile of rubbish.

@Nala2022 @Jynx @AuntGlow @MissGremlin @Cuddlebear 

Hey @Captain24 I just want to let you know that I admire how much strength that would've taken today, to be so open and honest about how things have been for you lately. I'm really glad you were able to talk through this all is your psych and that it sounds like you are going to take this one step at a time when looking into admission and all the logistics that go into this.

If you can't mow your parents lawn and need to take some time after that session that's 100% understandable and I hope that you don't get too much pushback. Just take some time for you if you can, today sounds like it's been a really big one

@Captain24 I'm really proud of you for being so open with your psych today sweet, i know how hard it is to be completely vulnerable. I'm sorry that things are still feeling so hard and i hope that you can allow yourself the space you need to be gentle with yourself while things are so overwhelming.

Being able to organise a hospital stay i know is a huge thing but it sounds like it's very much needed at the moment and you definitely deserve that support to help you through this rough time.

Thinking of you sweetheart and sending lots of love and hugs ❤️

Hey @Ru-bee

Good to see you..

It wasn’t easy at all. I knew where the conversation was going to head. I trust her and have a good relationship with her so that helps. For her to trust me and help me I need to be honest. She never pushes though. She also had spare time so she didn’t just go ‘times up see you next week!’ She cared. She probably wouldn’t have hurried anyway.

I actually am looking at it. I have a date that mum and dad need me here for. Mum has an appointment tomorrow so hopefully that will give some guidance of when she needs me. Then it’s work and the dogs. It’s stressing me out and scaring me.

I rang mum and she asked if I was coming around to mow the lawn and I said I don’t thinks and she said that it was fine and meant it. Then I said I had a two hour psychologist appointment and that I’m really not doing very well at the moment. Nothing just that dad would pick the lawn mower up and they would sort it. She was nice about it but no mention of my mental health! I tried to plant a seed. 😔

Im about to bath both dogs and then I still have things to do to get ready for work tomorrow. But I need to stop and be careful that I don’t go back to that 9/10. I’m probably at 5/10 for distress

I hope you have been well.

Thanks @MissGremlin

Im not really giving myself space but I guess it is what it is.

If it was actually possible I would have looked into it. I am going to see if there is any dates available to take holidays soonish. I have no leave so anytime that’s paid would be good. Supportive parents would be good. It was the weekend that concerned her the most. I gave her all the details.

I haven’t been reading along sorry. I hope things are okish.

@Captain24 I know it's hard to give yourself space when things are like this.

I hear you, I know it's hard especially with work aswell. Also hearing you on the supportive parents side of things, it's the same for me only i don't have a dad so I've got noone family wise.

Thankyou sweet, things really aren't ok but my only option is to keep pushing through or trying to, I couldn't even manage routine this morning, I'm really failing everyone. I'm safe at the moment, about to start dinner soon.

I’m sorry that they are like that @MissGremlin knowing and not reaching out just be hard.

You're not failing just struggling a little right now. You can only do what you can do.

At least you are getting dinner sorted. I can’t even see my kitchen and I still haven’t even made lunches. I have to get my shit together. There is no more calling in sick as I just can’t afford it. It’s nearly $1000 a day by the time they remove my bonus as well.

The dogs are finally bathed though.

@Captain24 it's hard and so hurtful.

Think we've gone past struggling a little 😂.

You've done amazing to get the dogs bathed, just one little step at a time sweet, you've you this ❤️.