I can’t cope

Hi @Captain24 

It sounds incredibly exhausting to be struggling with your sleep for so long, particularly when you’re already managing so much emotionally. I hear how frustrating and distressing it has become, especially when you’re doing your best to rest but continue waking throughout the night. I know it can sometimes feel like divine punishment but experiencing these difficulties doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong or that you deserve to suffer.

I'm concerned to hear that the ongoing sleep difficulties are contributing to thoughts of not wanting to be alive and urges to hurt yourself. I recognise that you’re currently feeling safe and in control of these urges. If you need some extra support or things become to heavy to carry alone tonight, I encourage you to seek support from a crisis service like Lifeline.

I also want to acknowledge how difficult it can be to manage these thoughts when you’re feeling so exhausted. That takes so much strength and courage, even if it doesn't feel very strong or brave at the moment.

I hope you're able to catch a few hours of deep restful sleep soon.

Take extra gentle care ✨🌻

I just got up and have a drink and take something to help with sleep. I know it’s the wrong thing to do but I’ve got to try something. I’ve patted my babies. They weren’t really happy as they are still tired from holidays. They just want to sleep. I wish I could sleep like them. Jett is snuggled up with me as always and Pixie is on the pillows where she is comfiest. They both went straight back to sleep. Pix is snoring.

Im need something to kick in soon to send me back off to sleep. I was thinking of what I did to bring the mania on and should I do it again. It was weird as with the mania I slept really well and as it wore off I haven’t sleep well. The total opposite of what should happen. But I felt so good. Should I see if it works again? My psych said she knows that I probably will at some stage but to remember how hard this come down is and how long it lasts. I’m havin a hard time with it but I can change it so easily but it’s not something I can really continue to do and how do I explain it to the hospital at this time of the morning especially since it was only a couple of weeks ago that I did it.

Sorry this is all going through my head right now. I don’t even know if this is coherent

I hear how exhausted and frustrated you’re feeling @Captain24, particularly when you’re desperate for some relief. I understand why you’re considering anything that might help, but I'm concerned about the risks of deliberately triggering mania. I strongly encourage you to contact your treating team or hospital for support or a crisis service rather than attempting this. You deserve appropriate support with these difficulties, regardless of the time of day.

Sending hot milk sleepy Jett and Pix energy your way.

SunsetSunrise ✨🌻

@Captain24 I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much with your sleep and those urges. I've been awake so many times aswell, unfortunately sometimes it's out of our control.

I know those thoughts can be so strong but you are stronger than those thoughts. I'm really hoping that you're able to get some more sleep sweet, sending you love and hugs ❤️.

It’s hard because I just felt so strong and invincible and confident. The world couldn’t hurt me. It’s the first time I have felt it so strong. Normally it’s just mild hypomania but this was different and felt so good. @SunsetSunrise

My psych is concerned that it could become like an addiction. I can see why.

While the thoughts are really strong I don’t have anything to treat it after. I need to go shopping.

Im not going to do it now so im safe for the minute. I just got up and took something else to see if that will kick in some sleep. After that ive exhausted all my options anything else will cross the line.

I thought of a crisis line but im so tired I’ll just slur my words and they will get it all wrong and it’s not something I can really write in text. I need to talk.

Hey @Captain24

I can hear that is something you have thought quite deeply around and that the thoughts are feeling really loud right now. Its good to hear that you have been able to make your psych aware of these feelings and that you are actively trying some other coping mechanisms to find rest tonight. This is really great and shows so much strength and resilience. You deserve to feel rested and i can understand that feeling so exhausted can make things feel even harder to cope or resist. I can see you're not wanting to connect over text with a crisis line, but It could be a really great idea to try and call one of the crisis hotlines if you feel the thoughts continue getting louder and heavier - you deserve to feel supported around this. You can connect with Lifeline 24/7 on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636.

Take gentle care

Hi @Captain24, I'm just catching up on replies

It sounds like you had some lovely moments with the dogs and got to see a whale breaching, which must have been amazing! But there’s also been a lot of frustration you've been experiencing.

I can understand why you’re feeling fed up, especially when you were hoping to have some time to yourself to swim, have fun and practise mindfulness. It’s hard when the things you were looking forward to don’t work out

I hope the rest of the evening went as smoothly as possible and that you can find a little time for yourself afterwards to unwind

How are you going today? 💛

Hey @Nala2022

How are you going?

I have had a lot of trouble with sleeping for the last little while, I keep waking up several times. The needles I’m on make you extremely tired but that’s not keeping me asleep.

Last night, well early hours this morning, I struggled badly. The last time I slept well was when I triggered the mania. I know that that makes no sense at all. But it was good. I felt so good, so invincible and nothing could hurt me, so confidant so strong. I was just amazing and strong!

I want that feeling back. My psych thinks that I will hurt myself again in the same way or the other ways I have planned but to remind myself that what comes up must come down. To remember what I’m going through now. But last night I considered it. I’ve just gotten up and fed the dogs and thought I’d have breakfast. I boiled the kettle and just looked at it. Thinking strongly about it. It was tough. So I have come back to bed without breakfast.

@Captain24 I'm sorry things are feeling so tough right now sweet. I'm proud of you for not acting on those thoughts though, I know how much strength that takes. I'm here for you sweet, sending lots of love and hugs ❤️.

@Captain24 I'm really sorry things have been so difficult lately. I can hear how much you're struggling and how much you miss feeling strong and invincible

I'm glad you've reached out and shared what's been happening. Please be gentle with yourself and remember you don't have to face this alone. I've sent you an email as well to check in, so please check your inbox when you can 💛