I can’t cope

Dinner is done. It was only my brother and not his girlfriend. He talked to mum and dad and I just sat there. If either of us spoke they spoke over the top of us. He did talk about his girlfriend’s mental health and safety d I wouldn’t understand and now she is seeing a psychologist that can actually diagnose illnesses. She won’t see a psychiatrist on Telehealth which I get but if you are desperate then maybe try it when you know someone that it’s working for. It just really frustrates me that because I work and function that means I dont have any issues.

Im sitting here and was watching Tele but dad didn’t want to watch that so he changed the channel. I feel like a child. They don’t recognise me as an adult. I’m still the kid.

Im really tired and have to get up early in the morning to finish packing and have my car packed and start on cleaning the house with them being really unorganised. Dad will just sit and have 3 cups of tea with breakfast and just take his time. Sticking a bomb up his arse won’t move him any further and mum has to move everything about 3 times before she actually packs. I clean the whole house while they stuff around.

Sorry… I’m really tired and doing it a bit tough. I’m safe and stuff just down and irritated and sick of being treated so badly by them all. My brother included.

@MissGremlin @Jynx @AuntGlow @Nala2022 

@Captain24 I'm sorry for the way that you're being treated sweet and that so much pressure is put on you. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️.

Thanks @MissGremlin.

I just needed to say it. I have a few self critical thoughts going through my head. It reminds me why I am the way I am.

I could do with a chat with my psych. I think if I was able to have been able to swim it might have helped. Also not smoking when I’m at the beach as well. I was so nice to sit and have a smoke while watching the waves. But I didn’t get any of that.

Sorry. I’m really really tired from everything In did today with all the climbing and stuff plus the pressure of dinner.

How are you going?

@Captain24 I can understand those self critical thoughts, but I also know that we're often harsh on ourselves even when we don't deserve it. Please try to be gentle with your wonderful self ❤️

I know that not being able to swim has been a real let down and also not smoking while sitting on the beach, but try to remember that you're doing this for a reason, to better yourself and you're doing amazing.

It's completely ok sweet, I'm glad that you're able to share where things are at for you.

Things are really tough for me, I'm hanging by a thread (I'm safe). I'm about to do some diamond art while watching my show, hoping I can be strong tonight to fight the thoughts and urges.

I’m sorry. @MissGremlin I should feel lucky to be on holidays and I am but just moments have been hard but I wasn’t in a good headspace when I left.

Im sorry you are doing it so rough. Take care of yourself and dont self destruct your life.

Im going to go to sleep now. I’m extremely tired and have to get up early. I don’t even know how things are going to fit in my car.

Look after yourself

@Captain24 I know things were hard before you left and the holiday hasn't exactly gone to plan. I'm hoping that the packing tomorrow goes ok and that things settle once you're back in your own space.

Hope you can get a good sleep sweet, night night ❤️.

I’ve been tossing and turning all night. I really need some sleep as I’m so tired and have to drive in the morning and with all the stops for the dogs it’ll take nearly 6 hours.

My thoughts are really self critical and I’m struggling with them. I’m completely safe and stuff just being hard on myself. I am looking forward to going home even though I never got a decent swim in the ocean. That has been a massive disappointment and now I’m thinking I probably didn’t deserve it.

Morning @Captain24 sweet, I know those thoughts are so hard to sit with. You absolutely deserved the holiday, but I’m sorry you missed out on swimming. Please be gentle with yourself sweetheart, i hope tomorrow goes ok for you and that you're able to get some sleep ❤️

@Captain24 I'm sorry that your trip hasn't gone the way you maybe pictured it! Not being able to jump in the ocean really sucks :( And having to navigate the stuff with your parents would have been frustrating for sure. I wish they would treat you more like an adult/companion than like a kid. Have you ever thought of talking to them about this? Just a thought, I know it doesn't always work that way and might end up being more trouble than it's worth. But it also might make things feel more equal too?

Sounds like dinner with your brother was also really frustrating, and that there's not much space for you in those moments to be able to talk about your own life - both the ups and the downs. As well as how much progress you've made! I'm glad that you have still got this space to be able to share your journey, even if you don't get as much chance to with your family.

Do you think you could thank that self-critical voice for it's attempts at rationalising the disappointments, but also kindly ask it to step back and let you focus on the good things that happened? Like getting to climb and explore, watching the waves and enjoying your dog's getting to frolic?

I hope things are going okay on your journey home and that the dogs are travelling well ^_^

@MissGremlin I'm hearing how hard it's been to keep yourself afloat. I'm glad that you've been able to stay safe and continue to connect in this space. I hope today is a little kinder to you <3

Hello @Jynx, it's truly been so hard. I failed again last night so I'm feeling frustrated and angry with myself today. Things just keep going wrong and I'm not having a chance to catch my breath in between. I'm safe at the moment, I've just spent the last hour cleaning my house for an unexpected visit, was trying to just relax today but no I'm not allowed to do that.

Hope you're doing well sweet ❤️.