I can’t cope

Morning @hopeful_hannah, thankyou ❤️.

I'm trying to keep doing so, it's just hard when reaching out isn't changing anything. I'm not feeling very resilient at the moment, rather very on edge 😞. (I'm safe).

I just finished a cuppa a few minutes ago, hope you enjoy another one ☺️.

Thankyou for being here, it helps to not feel so alone ❤️.

@MissGremlin I hear you. It's ok. You don't have to do or be anything right here right now in this moment. Taking gentle loving care of yourself is your only "job". And believe it or not it sounds like you're doing that well. Honoring your feelings and energy, hot drinks and cuddles with Casper...one moment at a time....

Thankyou @hopeful_hannah ❤️.

I sat on my bed for ages trying to work up the courage to ring the mental health team, knowing that I need urgent support. I finally made that call only to be met with someone that was so rude and abrupt and didn't care at all, she wasn't even willing to listen to what's happening for me, what I'm thinking and feeling, just how bad things are. I tried telling her I need support and she goes 'I don't understand why you can't get into a psychologist, we've had many other clients get in within a week', that just made me feel completely rejected, I've tried so many places, my doctor has and the counsellor I used to have did aswell, noone will help me, noone cares, it feels like everyone just wants me gone, that I'm not even worth anyone's time and effort. She told me that they are handing me back to my GP cos they can't do anything for me.

I feel so broken, so let down, so unworthy and unimportant, I feel like I'm a mistake, that I shouldn't be here. It hurts so much when I was already feeling so vulnerable, it's a fight to get through every second, through every shaky breath, yet I still made that call, I still tried to reach out through that pain, now I regret doing it cos I feel like there's no hope for me.

I'm safe for now. I'm sitting on my bed with tears trying to fall but I don't want to let them. I just needed to get this out cos it's consuming me sitting with it alone.

Ouch @Captain24 being bonked by a surfboard does not sound fun!! But I'm glad to hear you are enjoying some time amongst the waves, snacking on donuts and ice cream, and watching the antics of your dogs!!

I hope you find some time to just be, to mindfully wander the beach and enjoy the sounds of the ocean

^_^

@MissGremlin I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time hun. I'm glad you are expressing yourself and trying to focus on slowness and gentleness.

Perhaps it's a bit of burn out - maintaining such focus and putting so much energy into survival is bound to wear us out over time. Finding things to nourish us, to refill our cups, can help some. I hope your doctor's appointment is helpful and you're able to communicate how heavy things are to them.

We are in your corner hun <3

@Jynx It would be ok if I could fill my cup but nothing is helping, there's no lighter moments, no relief.

There's a saying that's playing out in my head on repeat right now 'don't make a permanent solution to a temporary problem', but these problems aren't temporary, things aren't changing and it can't get better, it's chronic, it's lifelong and that's the part that's driving such strong thoughts.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I can't keep fighting with nothing left in me. I'm safe for now, going to go for a drive.

@MissGremlin one thing that I try to remind myself of in my darkest moments is that I cannot know the future. The future is where possibility lies. These challenges may seem never-ending and the darkness may feel all-consuming, but there is no way of knowing for certain that things can't or won't get better. The only constant in life is change. Fighting to hold onto even the slimmest glimmer of hope can be extremely difficult but can also make all the difference. The night is always darkest before dawn, after all.

I hope you have a nice little drive hun. Hugs <3

Thankyou @Jynx, maybe chat to you later. Thankyou for always being so gentle and understanding ❤️. I'm just sorry that I'm so broken.

@Jynx I've had to come home, I got a message when I was driving that a friend passed away this morning 😞. It's also 7 years today that I had to put my first dog down that I owned 😞. Everything is hitting so hard right now, I just want to be able to feel ok but I'm feeling anything but (I'm safeish).

I'm so immensely sorry to hear that @MissGremlin my condolences. Grief is heavy, especially when it compounds like that. Please be gentle with yourself and don't hesitate to reach out if you need to.

https://nalag.org.au/ is an option or https://www.grief.org.au/ - or contact a crisis service.

Perhaps, if you have the energy/motivation, you could do something to honour your loss. Write a letter or poem, visit a significant location, say a small prayer, stuff like that - it all helps.