I can’t cope

Thanks for you kind words @MissGremlin

My next work in progress is myself and my perception of my self. I thought I had a tiny crack in there but this has just sealed the crack up. I must be really horrible in person. I’m feeling really down on myself and really hating on myself. It wasn’t just a little trigger it was a HUGE on. It comes with so much more than just the not being picked on a team. It comes with suicidal thoughts so many memories.

Im going to go to sleep now. I hope today is a little kinder to you.

Good night

You're so welcome @Captain24. I hear you sweet and i know how easy it is to take it out on ourselves. I don't believe that you're a horrible person, but I can understand those thoughts/feelings. I'm thinking of you sweet and can't wait for you to be off work again so we can chat and hopefully do diamond art together, it's something I really look forward to. Night night sweetheart, be gentle with your wonderful self ❤️.

I slept most of the day. Mum was away so I had the dogs. They were really good. I don’t think they even went outside until Jet barked at 4:15. My alarm went off at 4:25, I got up went to the kitchen and was turning the lights on for mum tonight and they walked in the door! I had just literally got out of bed! So now I can get ready and not waiting on them I guess. @MissGremlin

I slept pretty well so that’s good. I only have to get through tonight and I don’t have to face these people for another 5 days. It’s hard to go to a place where you are just not like or wanted and people can be so horrible.

O hope today has been ok

@Captain24 I'm glad you slept ok and that the dogs were good. Sounds like your parents had perfect timing.

I really hope that work goes ok today sweet, I'm glad it's the last night. I get that it's hard, but know that you're very much wanted here.

Today has been absolute crap, I've got a migraine from hell and can't stand for more than a few minutes before I feel like I'm going to be sick. My sleep study results weren't great either.

Work has finally broken me. Between work and my physical health I’m just done.

I’ve even cried tonight and it’s not even halfway yet. I wish I was worth something to some one. I wish I wasn’t fat and lazy. But I guess that just me. That’s all I am. Nothing, nobody. Not wanted.

I have a lot of head noise while driving and my default thought. I am safe. But just don’t see myself overly worth it to anyone here at work or outside. No one wants to get to k ow me. I wouldn’t faith though I guess. I was trying to start seeing good in myself but here at work proves there is nothing.

Im so so so broken.

@Captain24 I'm so sorry that things are feeling so bad right now sweet. It's ok to cry, your feelings are valid and i can understand feeling broken. I know people can be so cruel and i wish it wasn't like that for you at work or anywhere. I think you're an amazing person and I feel lucky to know you and I definitely am glad that you're around.

I'm sending you lots of love and hugs sweetheart ❤️.

Hi @Captain24 I can hear that tonight has been particularly tough for you due to work and your physical health where you are feeling just done - that's no good 🥀. You shared feeling upset to the point of crying due to not feeling wanted or worth something. It makes sense these feelings are difficult to cope with and are contributing to your state of mind right now. I can hear that you were trying to start seeing the good in yourself - and it sounds like this might have been going okay until you were back at work, which is a more challenging space to be in. Have I got it right? Thank you for sharing that you are safe and it's great to see you reaching out here for support - you are not alone. Is there any particular type of support you'd find helpful tonight? I'd like to share some resources that may be helpful too, which you can find here 👉🏼 https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/support-toolkit/techniques-and-guides/self-esteem-and-mental-health

I am spent…

I came home from work at 8 fed the dogs at their time and went to be at 9. Got up at 11 had a shower and went to lunch with my friend. She talked for over an hour and a half. She needed to and that was the point of lunch. I just wanted her to know that I will support her anyway I can and that I’m there if she needs me. But it was a heavy conversation.

I then went and grabbed so food for my dogs, came home got changed into my lawn mowing clothes and went and mowed mum and dads lawn for them. Dad put the lawnmower in my car and then stupid me decided I’d do the front yard since the lawn mower was there. Well I started and ended up doing the backyard too. I can in had a shower and washed my hair, run a bath and soak in that for 20 minutes. It was a bit too hot as my blood pressure dropped when I stood up, I was able to get out of the bath and dry myself and then went and laid on my bed for a bit until it settled down.

I am exhausted but a good exhausted. The physical exertion in the sun exhausted. I’m also a little drained from the conversation at lunch. Not the conversation it’s self but the social connection.

I need to eat some dinner but I don’t feel like it. I’ve had so much water to drink! I got dehydrated! It was only 27 degrees so it’s not even hot.

Hopefully I sleep well tonight with this stupid mask on. I was planning on doing stuff tomorrow but I think I’ll have a nothing day. I’m not leaving the house at all this weekend as there is an event in town tomorrow night that will have probably around 15000-17000 people at it. So many people come into town for it. There is absolutely no accommodation in town or surrounding. Most of the bnb’s have several people staying in them. The ones I’ve driven past just from mums to my place have cars everywhere!

Sorry I’m just talking. Waiting another hour to go to bed. I do have to dry my hair though.

Thinking of you @Captain24 sweet ❤️.

Hi @MissGremlin

I only just got up. Dad rang and said that Kylie was on the grand final today so

i got up and have put the AFL on. Can’t believe I even have that sport on! 😜

Im just having something to eat and then I have to give myself my needle at some stage.

It’s a really nice day here today. Heading for 29 degrees! So I’ve just decided to do some washing to hang out. I’ve got lots to do but I’ve just decided to do it bit by bit and see where I end up at the end of the day.

Im going to sit and do some diamond art soon, just have to eat first. If you want to join me.

How are you going?