I can’t cope

Morning @Captain24 sweet, I'm sorry that you're not feeling it today. The pain in your legs sounds horrible.

I hope the appointment at the chemist goes ok for you.

Sending you lots of love and hugs sweetheart ❤️

Hi @Captain24, I’m sorry you’re not feeling that great today and that you’re in so much pain.

I hope your appointment goes well and that you’re able to get some answers about how you’re feeling. Can you rest afterwards? We're here for you 💛

I just want to sit and cry @MissGremlin @Nala2022

Im hoping she can help with why I’m still struggling with sleep. The machine is suppose to fix it. But I guess the new meds aren’t helping. One causes depression and the other causes suicidal thoughts! Yay me.

I am dropping my dogs in early and then I’ll come home, have some weetbix, a shower and then bed. I should be in bed before 11. I applied for tomorrow night off work but they didn’t approve it. They didn’t approve any of my leave applications. That gets me down a little too. I go on holidays soon though. Then work for a few weeks and have all of Christmas off. So that should be ok.

I really need a full break from life. Just somewhere where some one will look after me and I don’t have to do anything. Just like in hospital but 100% don’t need hospital and can’t do it anyway. Just need a breather.

@Captain24 I'm really sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed today. It makes sense you're needing a break from everything.

I’m glad you’re planning to get home, shower and get into bed early. Hopefully you can get some much-needed rest. And definitely let the pharmacist know about the new medications and how they’re affecting your mood, especially the suicidal thoughts, so they can help you work out what to do

Your holidays and having some time off at Christmas sound like something good to look forward to 💛

I’ve just gotten home @Nala2022

My sleep recordings are really good. My apnea was at 19 now it’s less than 1. So I guess that’s working. I do wake up without a headache though. So that’s good. I don’t feel a lot different but when I have the mask on I’m getting quality sleep.

Im going to eat and get ready for bed. I’ll take some pain killers as well.

I only have 2 nights and I’m finding the nights a little easier than the days at the moment. After this block I have 10

more shifts until I get to go to the beach. This time in 3 weeks I’ll be finishing packing to leave the next day. I hope the time at work flies. My days off are fine and go well and quickly just my work shifts. Maybe an actual holiday away is what I need. Some sun and some water.

How are you going?

@Captain24 I'm sorry that i didn't reply this morning sweet, i had nothing in me and I ended up dozing back off to sleep for a short time before a busy day.

I hope you managed to get some sleep before work and that your shift tonight goes ok.

Thinking of you, sending lots of love and hugs as always ❤️.

It’s ok. I didn’t expect you too @MissGremlin

Soumds like you only got one day. I was hoping for at least 2 for you. But the thing is is that you know it’s there and now that you have found it you will find it again. Maybe for a day maybe a couple of days. That’s how mine started. Then I just wanted the world to end and all of a sudden there would be another ‘day’

Dont be too hard on yourself. I know it hurts and I know it’s hard. It’s hard to believe it even happened. But it did.

I know you are really busy this week with lots of appointments and things but allow yourself some gentle time as well. That is why you didn’t do your routine.

While know all you want to do is what you did but focus on how sick you got and how close you came. How scared you were. Remember those moments. Maybe sitting them in front of your other thoughts will help quieten them a little. You don’t want to go back down that path do you?

What helped you a little before was looking for glimmers or making your own. When you decided to sit in the sun. You made or own glimmer. Start looking again but at all different times of the day. Even when you go to bed.

anyway I’m about to feed the dogs and go to bed myself. Probably cry myself to sleep. I got really really hurt at work and hour ago so it’s still burning. Just the trigger of always being pick last and not wanted by either team.

Im thinking of you.

@Captain24 oh sweet, I'm sorry that you got so hurt at work 😞. I completely understand that trigger, it's the same for me. I'm sending you lots of love and hugs sweetheart, you mean so much to me❤️.

I'll reply to the rest of your post later, going to sit here and build some Lego type thing while I wait for my sleep study appointment.

Oh I'll share my diamond art with you too that I finished last night ☺️.

What hurts even more is that a guy told me at the start of shift that he was struggling as it was the anniversary of his son’s death. I did everything I could to get support and I tried to contact him during the night. I was being nice and supportive. I even waited for him at end of shift to see him before he went. Then others treated me that way. I’m not going to talk to those people in that car anymore. I’m done. No wonder I have so much trouble going to work. It’s not the job, it’s the people. That made it so clear this morning. I hate that that is how they feel about me when if they needed me I would show nothing but care. I hate myself for it.

@Captain24 oh sweet I understand this all too well. You're such a beautiful, caring person and yet others treat you like dirt. Don't let the nastiness of others bring you down, hold your head high knowing that despite everything you've been through and that others put you through, you still choose to be the wonderful person you are. I'm sorry that they make your work hard cos of their actions and behaviour towards you. Sending you big hugs ❤️.