I can’t cope

@Captain24 I actually didn't even say anything to her, which does make me wonder about the posts here. Either that or she just guessed it cos of me being withdrawn.

Haha I laugh cos I actually did the same thing tonight by eating my bacon and egg muffins, knowing that I need to stop having them and starting to watch what I eat. I'm currently eating an apple. I get that it's really disappointing but it doesn't mean that you have to cut those foods out all together but rather just have them in moderation.

Is she on here? @MissGremlin ? or know that you are?

I’m making a few decisions I think around it all. But I’m going to need a lot of help with it. I feel judged by my food intake. I know my dietitian isn’t judging but she pushes too much. I need to consider the autism to with changing things. It’s not quite that easy.

@Captain24 she's on here.

Maybe this is something we can work on together?. I'm the same and struggle so much with change and also certain textures/foods.

I think I may know who that is @MissGremlin

See what happens and maybe we can do it together.

I’ve had dinner and now I’m sitting in the lounge watching home and away. I’m feeling really bad. I’m struggling a lot. I have 2 dogs climbing over me. It’s not ideal. They are frustrating me but they have missed me so much because all I do is diamond art and sit outside with them a bit and give them cuddles during the day.

@Captain24 you probably do but don't say it, don't want to breach the anonymity.

I'm glad you're sitting on the lounge watching home and away. I'm sorry that you're feeling really bad though and struggling sweet. It's understandable though, it's been a big day but you've done so well. I know it can be so frustrating when they demand attention, just think you'll be heading to be soon and they'll snuggle up and settle for the night.

How did you meet them if it’s ok to ask? Ignore me if it’s not @MissGremlin

Jett has settled but Pix won’t leave me alone!

yeah it’s not good right now. I’ve tried so hard today but it hasn’t worked and as the night is dark, so am I. I feed the dogs soon but I don’t think I should go to bed on them already. They are loving be near me.

I’m really struggling to sit and stay still. I just feel so heavy at the same time. I can’t even smile.

@Captain24 i think it's best not to talk about it anymore, I don't want to get in trouble.

I'm glad Jett has settled, hopefully Pix does soon.

Maybe you could feed them and sit back on the lounge with them for a bit? I know how much they love it when you go to bed though aswell.

I'm sorry things are feeling so dark and heavy right now sweet. Is there anything I can do to help?

That’s fair @MissGremlin

I think I’ll just go to bed. I’m struggling and that’s not ok around here. It’s only ok if I’m doing well. Last night showed that. I don’t need another breach post.

Nothing you can do. Maybe it’ll just sleep off and tomorrow will be different.

@Captain24 I'm sorry that things are so hard right now sweet. It's ok to be here when you're struggling, it's just trying to keep the recovery focus when posting.

I hope you're able to get a good night's sleep and that tomorrow is a better day. I'm proud of you for all you've done today sweetheart, sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️.

I’m awake with a pounding headache. It hurts a lot. I feel so tired and exhausted. I’ve opened up my house. I’ve had a shower and put washing in. I’m feeling pretty flat and low. Not depressed like yesterday but still low. I don’t feel like smiling at all. I’m sitting on the lounge with on dog up on the back of it behind me and the other on my lap. At least neither of them are being annoying just spending time with me. I want to get this diamond art finished before I go back to work but I don’t want to disturb my dogs. It’s a comfort being with them and the sun shining through the windows. My main windows are east facing so the sun is right there. The house is nice and bright. Just trying to find some glimmers at the moment.

Also I’m stressing about this machine tomorrow and how much it’s going to cost. I don’t want bottom of the range I’m hoping for middle. I’m not spending the money on the top of the range as I just don’t think I can afford it and I’m not sure it’s worth it considering I’m only mild. Plus I’m worried about sleeping with this mask as I’ll only have one night before I have to go back to work. At least I don’t have to be up mega early the first day.

Im worried about physio on the first day back. I’m worried about what duties I’ll be out on. I have to climb 15-20 stairs to get on a truck, then we are up and down it a minimum of 3 times. That doesn’t include toilet breaks or changing trucks. Plus all the emergency brakes are the left foot! 3 out of 4 trucks you actually use the left foot pretty frequently. I’m scared as to how much it’s going to hurt. The guy that says what I can do has no idea as to how to drive a truck, what we do and what we use. Plus he has no understanding of the ground we walk on. It’s all rocks and dirt. There is no smooth surface to get to a truck. Walking to and around the trucks involved ankle stability. Then I’m not sure if they will allow me to do diamond art on a dayshift while sitting around. I won’t be allowed my phone either. Nightshift won’t be a problem as my boss will let me do what I need to to get through.

I have my psych appointment and haven’t yet done my homework. I do have a lot of it sorted just not typed up on the computer. Maybe I can get some of it done Tuesday morning before my appointment. I think there is other things to focus on though this week.