I can’t cope

I’ve never watched that as I just didn’t interest me @MissGremlin. Mind you, nothing on tv is interesting me, not even the regular shows I watch and I can’t remember the last time I looked at Netflix

@Captain24 I do love a lizard! Teehee 😋

I think it's your mind's way of ensuring you can still 'function' in the basic sense. I'm not saying it's a good or nice place to be, but I don't think it's a 'life sentence' if that makes sense. I know that @AlwaysMyself has struggled a lot with anhedonia (loss of interest in things you usually enjoy, loss of a sense of pleasure), maybe they can offer some support too (no pressure though of course @AlwaysMyself).

I think if you truly didn't care, you wouldn't care about 'who' you were turning into. But it sounds like there's still parts of you that are unhappy with how you're thinking and feeling - about others, about yourself, about your day-to-day activities.

I'm glad you've got a team there to support you during this time. I get you that an admission doesn't feel approachable right now, and that is so valid. But right there - you do still care, because you are saying you wouldn't trust anyone else to be able to look after Pix's needs right now. That sounds to me like you care about her deeply.

It feels like a life sentence. @Jynx I guess I’m still able to function a little. I can get myself to work and just go about the motions there, I can manage to feed Pix at the right time, except for lunch that I’m failing at but I’m warning her off lunch anyway. I’m struggling to inject her. We both don’t like it and she bit me the other day. So just won’t do as she is told and that it’s making it hard for me not to resent her. It’s not her fault, I’m horrible for thinking and feeling that. I do love her dearly. I’m doing my best for her. It’s just so hard.

I have no pleasure. I’m even laying in bed right now waiting for Pix’s dinner alarm to go off. I have no care factor for being out of bed. There’s nothing I like, people included. This is where there is no point in living. Why would I want to when life is so meaningless. They use to talk to me but stopped. So don’t tag them to pressure them. I’m guessing I got too much for them.

You make that sounds as confusing as my head is. It just made me tear up again. I’m just a mess. I don’t get having any emotion while I’m shut down and numb. It makes no sense. But I feel so sad that this is what my life has become. I am scared about how it has changed me. I do care that I’m a more horrible person than I was before. I could at least show some compassion and now I have nothing and just don’t care.

I’ll see what the next two days bring and then I have to work for the rest of the week. The following week is that surgery that I’m really dreading and is scaring me way more this time

@Captain24 most of the time it's just noise on in the background for me. I don't actually physically watch it and if I am staring at the screen I'm not focused on it.

I struggle with background noise @MissGremlin. It’s overwhelming for me and I can’t take it. It’s like I have a meltdown inside and get really angry inside.

@Captain24 can relate to that at times sweet. I have moments where I just need complete silence and if the TV is on it overwhelms me.

@Captain24 I get resentful towards my cats all the time. They can get very annoying - especially when I'm trying to sleep. That doesn't mean I'm a bad pet-parent, it just means I'm human and sometimes I get overwhelmed when I have other stuff going on. It's not their fault for acting in their nature, nor is it our fault that we act within ours - which means occasionally feeling irritated, resentful, or angry at them.

I think part of you is numb, and part of you is sad. Part of you is compassionate, and part of you doesn't care - or doesn't want to care. Do you feel like that resonates? We are complex creatures, and sometimes we end up in conflict with ourselves. Just because part of you is numb, or scared, doesn't mean the other parts don't exist.

I'm glad to hear that you are going to see what tomorrow (and the next day) brings - maybe you can do something nice for yourself, but maybe without placing expectations on yourself to necessarily 'enjoy' it. But those parts that are quieter right now will perhaps still appreciate you trying 💜

The laundry door is right next to my bedroom door and I have the dryer going and it’s doing my head in. But I can’t shut the laundry door as it need to air for the dryer and I can’t shut my bedroom door so that the dogs can get in and out.

@Captain24 oh that's tough sweet. Do you have any headphones or ear plugs that you could use to help drown out the sound?

I’m glad you said that you don’t too. @Jynx. It feels a little bit better that it’s not just me. I have fed them and Pix was really good with her needle tonight so I know she got the right amount. I gave her a big special cuddle for it.

Im back in bed and she is in the pillows in the floor so that is good. I only have one of them on the bed with me. He won’t get off though and he has to be touching me! It usually brings me some comfort but not at the moment.

That resonates. The numb part is a lot stronger than the emotional part. Also the ‘I don’t care part’ is stronger too. It is confusing but seeing that there can be both is helpful. It is a scary place to be in though. I really need some help. Maybe the Pdoc has something that will take the edge off it all. Plus something to help with the hormones from the surgery. I can only hope. I am looking forward to seeing my psych though. Just to talk. Just have someone that I can tell it all too. I will probably breakdown though so that’s concerning.

I don’t know what I can do. It’s all overwhelming. I know I need to see what it all brings but I’m scared that it’s nothing. I’m scared I’m going to struggle way too much for the next 7 days. I have no idea how I am going to get through it. I don’t even want to get through tonight.