I can’t cope

I can’t wear earplugs, they really hurt my ears. The last time I had a medical she said my ear canals were really small and that’s why I struggle with plugs and ear buds. @MissGremlin.

I just have to deal with it.

How is your diamond art going?

@Captain24 that makes things tougher. What about pulling a blanket over your ears?

I've been sitting here staring at it but haven't touched it yet.

Get the staring at it. Thats my life at the moment @MissGremlin. It’s so hard isn’t it.

@Captain24 it is. Like I sit here wanting to do it but not at the same time. Brains are such complicated things 😂

I just saw this on Facebook @Jynx @MissGremlin

@Captain24 all of those are so very true and i struggle with many of them.

Aww @Captain24 special cuddles sounds so cute! My Trixie likes sleeping on top of me too, which can get a bit much when I'm actually trying to sleep! Sometimes I have to toss her off... and I do feel bad at the time, but it doesn't make me a bad pet parent - we have needs too!

I hear you hun. Hopefully you can be super open with your supports about how dire things feel, and they will be able to support you through. And maybe having a safe space to break down is what is needed right now 🤞

I know the next week feels very overwhelming but maybe we can just focus on tonight? I know the sensory overwhelm of the dryer is a lot right now, does it have much longer on the cycle? Maybe you can focus super intently on something until it finishes - like a tv show or looking at wholesome content online, or whatever will help pass the time. What else can help you keep safe for tonight?

You have been on my mind in a good way @Captain24 🤗 and “on my list” to catch up with - It’s just been a hectic time for me. Just did a search of my email notifications and saw your post from 7 March on another thread which I hadn’t read yet (I have 150 unread forum tags - by way of explaining this is not a “you” problem - it’s just a “my life currently” stage).

You are absolutely still important to me and have done absolutely nothing to upset me (if you had, I’d tell you in a direct by loving way). If you want to check-in to see if I’m absent due to crazy-life, checking the thread where I post about my journey is often a good indicator as to why I am absent (sometimes I go AWOL when I’m not coping, or if I’m too busy, but sometimes I try to put a post just to let people know after half a week or so that I’m still alive lol) - Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warnng (in case you want the link).

@Jynx is 100% correct when they say that I’m a pro-level sufferer of anhedonia. It’s been the main debhilitating feature of my depression for the last 15-20 years.

But really interesting update for you if you are interested…

No trigger - just wanted to use an accordion box in case you don’t want to read it. 😉 It relates to anhedonia & medication

I don’t have time to back-read too far, since it’s already after 9pm, but I do want to know how things are and how I can best help support you @Captain24 🤗.

It sounds like you & Pix are still adjusting with the new diabeties routine. But it sounds to me like you are a fantastic pet owner - trying to do everything you can for her, learning how to inject the insulin, adjusting her feeding schedule, etc etc. It’s OK to not happen instantly and not be “perfect” at it. I think I also understand the feeling of “resent” but not wanting to feel that — I get that with my dogs too when I am not coping myself and they are adding stress to me. It’s not their fault, and it’s not my fault either. Literally a few nights ago I said to one of my dogs (since they don’t understand English thank goodness!) “Please stop barking, it makes me want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you, I love you. But I’m overwhelmed by your barking right now. Please stop.” i said it in a very happy voice to my dog and gave him some neck scratches (he was sitting next to me) - but it helped me to just voice my overwhelm and urge to him as a harmless outlet since he has no idea what I’m saying haha. PS - of course I would never lay a harmful finger on my dogs! No matter how angry I feel. But sometimes “saying the words to him” can help vent. I would of course never say this to a human!! That would be emotional & verbal abuse. I mentioned my frustration tolerance has gone out the window... Case in point. I’m not a “bad dog owner” for sometimes feeling this when I am overwhelmed, because I don’t act on it. 😊 I see the same for your situation - feelings you don't act on does not make you a bad owner.

I’m sorry you felt that I (and others if so) weren’t responding because we didn’t care or maybe didn’t like you. I can understand how these thoughts and feelings occur - and how unfortunately common it is for depressed and/or anxious and/or traumatised brains to jump to this “conclusion”. I can assure you this wasn’t the case on my end. Please do always tag me and continue to tag me even if I don’t respond within a week. Sometimes my own life just gets too much for a bit - but I still care and always want to “catch up” on your posts when I can. And my way of doing that is to then go through my email notification “in reverse” from oldest to newest. But if I’m not tagged — then I won’t get an email and it will likely be a lot longer until I get the space to check-in. I just assume if people want to talk to me they will tag me, so I prioritise the ones I am tagged in when I am short of time.

I am really curious about why you think you are a “more horrible person” than you used to be?

What changes in yourself do you see? It is only with regard to being able to feel/show compassion?

I hope it can be some encouragement that I also have those phases worse than other times too — especially when I am burnt out and “over it”. Sometimes you need someone to show an interest and care in you and it’s totally OK to just accept it without needing to return it (like when we come & post here 😘 - to me it’s about showing YOU care and how to support YOU, without wanting/needing any support in return).

I’m glad you have the next 2 days off work to rest and I really hope the extra-funk can ease a bit.

Surgery coming up in a week - I know that is super-stressful. I wonder whether that could be subconsciously adding to the anhedonic funk?

I have a theory (no research to back it up ... yet?) that when I am anxious about something subconsciously and/or when I’m burnt out that it default into “emotional dissociation” / shutdown. 🤔 I wonder whether that idea clicks at all for you?

I can’t do anything in just going to go anskd get some sleep

I’m really sorry to let you both down @Jynx @MissGremlin

@Captain24 you're not letting anyone down sweetheart.

I hope you can get a good sleep, sending you hugs beautiful ❤️.