I can’t cope

I have four sets of sheets with matching quilt covers so I can do it when I take them off. I wash my quilt covers every week with my sheets. @MissGremlin. So I guess it’s easier to be able to do it straight away but it’s so much work with the quilt cover.

I wish I could feel it. I know that I love them and it would break my heart if anything happened to them. But it also breaks my heart that I feel so detached. I’m putting on a good act for them though. Well, I hope so.

Can you go to ED and have it checked? It’s a shame about your GP appointment. Just when you needed inperson. Anger is a big problem for me but so far I have stopped myself taking it out on myself. If I started I wouldn’t stop.

T/W mentions SI

I’m done. I have done enough for the day. My list isn’t done but at least the 2 dogs are clean and I have clean bed stuff. I’m ashamed that it’s not completed but it just shows how much of a failure I am.

Why can’t I just be regular? What can’t I just get motivated? Why can’t I be like before? Why can’t I actually enjoy life? Why do I hate being alive? Why do I hate life in general? Do I just give up? Do I go with those thoughts? Am I better off being here? Will it get better?

Hey @Captain24 always happy to hash things out with you hun 😉

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@Captain24 wrote:

I have obviously let myself get so bad that I am in freeze.

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Oh hun, this isn't about 'letting' this is about how long and how much you have had to deal with - remember that the 'freeze' is what is protecting you from fully melting down, which is probably because some part of you knows that a big meltdown might mean you aren't gonna be able to look out for your pups, who are very high-needs at the moment. I know you're feeling detached from everything, including them, but to me the fact that you're in freeze is an indicator of just how much you love them.

You got dealt a crappy hand recently, and just because it's hard to get back to 'how you were before' doesn't mean you won't, doesn't mean it's impossible. It probably does feel out of reach, but the stepping stones are still there - even if the next one to jump to is still just about surviving today.

@Captain24 that's definitely easier, glad you've got a way of doing it that works and is manageable. The quilt covers are horrible to try to get on, drives me nuts every time.

I hear you sweet. I'm really hoping you start to feel that connection with them again soon.

I can't go to the emergency department. It was really scary cos in that moment I was so overwhelmed that for a moment I contemplated calling an ambulance. I don't usually get angry but there's been alot building up and it just hit that breaking point. I'm currently frozen sitting on my kitchen floor with Casper next to me.

Just read your other post so I'll reply to that aswell.

You've done so well to get the dogs clean and have fresh bedding on. That right there shows you're not a failure though I do understand the feelings well.

Can we try to challenge some of the negative thoughts together?

Why can't I just be regular? What even is regular cos there's so many different variations and what might be regular or normal for one person isn't for someone else. Maybe it's about learning to love yourself and accepting who you are?

Why can't I actually enjoy life? Maybe it's the need for finding new things that bring joy and sometimes we have to start off small to get there.

Why do I hate being alive? Things have been really hard for a while but the feelings you have right now can change and you're getting support to help get you to a better place.

Please try to be gentle with yourself sweetheart, i know you're hurting and i know it's scary but you're not alone, we are here with you every step of the way ❤️.

Hey @Jynx

How was your break? Get any good photos?

Im not coping. So freeze isn’t because I couldn’t help myself? I feel like I have failed at trying to get better and this is my punishment.

I don’t understand how I’m so numb but so heartbroken at the same time. I actually couldn’t hold the tears in any longer. I hurt so much about my dogs. They are my lifeline and I love them dearly but right now it’s just nothing. It breaks my heart that they love me so much and always want to be with me but I don’t feel the same right now.

I can handle being detached from everything else. There is no point to life so it doesn’t matter. Just not them.

I think this has changed me. If I’m detached from my dogs then I’ll never be the same again. I’m not a good person. I’m not sure that I will ever go back to the person I was.

I don’t see it getting better. I don’t see any hope. I definitely can’t see out. All it is about is survive for them. Even though they would be so much better off without me and with mum and dad where they will be loved and walked all the time.

I’m sorry it got to that point @MissGremlin. That must have been really scary. I’m glad you have Casper with you. I get the frozen on the floor o my to well. I wish I could help.

@Captain24 whether you realise it or not you are actually helping me sweetheart. It was very scary but it was a moment and whilst it didn't go well it's over with and now I'm trying to remember the feelings that led up to it so that I can recognise them for next time and hopefully stop it getting to that point again.

Do you want to talk through the things leading up to it @MissGremlin

@Captain24 I'd just got home and was trying to bring the shopping in but Casper ran out the front door whilst I had 2 bags in my hands and he wasn't listening to me to get back inside. I had to drop the bags and go and pick him up to put him inside. But that was just the last straw. I think there's alot of things built up from yesterday cos I hadn't planned to see the day (though i was fighting those thoughts) but then the frustration today of still being here (I'm safe). I haven't really had a chance to process any of it so it's all sort of swirling around inside.

I just made a burger for dinner and managed to clean my stove, sink and do the dishes. Not sure how but I did.

@Captain24 some, although I realised the beach I went to is pretty recognisable. Lemme see if I can find some that are okay to share 😉

Nah I don't think it's because you 'couldn't help yourself' I think it's more like... you were already struggling, and then got hit with a HUGE amount of distress that is linked to something that is such a big part of your reasons for keeping on - your pups. Shutting down as a result is to be expected, not at all a punishment but a way for you to continue to show up for them with what little energy you have left in the tank.

I think it probably has changed you, but it's not a permanent state - I think you are changed because you're learning from this, not because it makes you a bad person. And it doesn't mean 'changed for the worse', it means you know what this state of mind is, so that if it ever hits you again, you won't need to panic because you can say 'ahh I know what's going on'.

I hope you can keep in mind too that you don't love your dogs any less, otherwise you wouldn't be able to put the tiny amount of energy you have got, towards them.

How long till you see your psych next? Have you spoken at all about an admission?