I can’t cope

Morning @Captain24 sweet, I'm glad you got some sleep and that refreshed feeling is always nice. I hear you have alot to do and i know you are capable of doing it. Maybe try to break things down into smaller more manageable tasks with some little breaks in between for some self care. Hope the training day on Tuesday goes ok for you. Do you know what's driving the fear around seeing the Pdoc sweet?

Hugs sweetheart, i know that overwhelmed feeling is tough but know that you're not alone ❤️.

I guess I just have to push myself through it @MissGremlin It really shouldn’t take to long but just that the list is so long. I’ve broken it down into little things so I can cross the small stuff off as I go.

My GP sent a letter to my Pdoc. It was pretty detailed! I have seen her for 6 months and I barely know her. I’m going to have to be open with someone I hardly know. I’m scared she is going to want to see me again soon and I just don’t have the $410 to do it. I don’t get much back in Medicare. I am hoping that she can give me something to help though and something to help with the new mirena that I have to have that triggered all of this.

I’m also scared if Tuesday as I’m not sure whether the training team know that I am going to be missing for 3 hours for my medical. The medical scares me too as I have hearing loss and struggle with the breathing part.

Sorry that was long.

How are you going?

@Captain24 I'm sorry sweet, words escaped me and i sat staring at the screen trying to reply 😂.

I'm glad you've broken it down into little things and i hope it helps to get through the list. I know you've got this sweet, you always amaze me with how capable you are.

Ok i can understand the fear around the appointment. I'm glad your gp did that detailed letter, though i can imagine its both frustrating and scary with having to be open with someone you barely know despite that letter being done. I'm truly hoping that the appointment goes ok for you and that you can get something to help sweetheart.

That's tough, maybe checking in with them prior to Tuesday if you can or even first thing to make sure they are aware. Hoping the medical goes ok for you sweet, i know they can be hard without having any issues.

It's all good sweet, I'm sorry it took so long to reply lol.

I'm feeling very angry and frustrated with myself today and have alot of very heavy thoughts weighing on my mind (I'm safe). I'm trying to find the motivation to go to the shops.

I’m sorry but I’m failing you on the capable part. @MissGremlin. I am back in bed because I just can’t face today. I’m having some really heavy thoughts too.

Im sorry you are frustrated with yourself. I get the feeling. I’m proud that you go to the shops so often. It gets you out of the house. I stay here as much as possible so I basically only go out for work, my GP appointments (which is not very often) Pixies vet appointments and grocery shopping hopefully once a break. Sometimes I’m really luck and it’s just food that I have to go out for once.

@Captain24 oh sweetheart, you aren't failing. Those thoughts are so hard to sit with and it's ok that you've gone back to bed, I'm here with you sweet ❤️.

I avoid going out as much as possible but it has to be done so i push myself to do it. I often change my doctors appointments to telehealth so I don't have to go out to them.

I'm just going to head to the shops but I'll check in when I get back, you can still tag me though and if I can reply i will ☺️.

Hello @Captain24 sweet, how are you feeling?

I got up an hour ago @MissGremlin. I didn’t give the dogs lunch but I bathed them both and then they had a treat. Pixie has to have food taken off her to have a treat and lunch is down to bare minimum now as I need to get her to two meals a day. So at least I have done something.

Now I need to change my bedlinen since they are clean. But once again I’m sitting on the lounge.

My thoughts are really dark still. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. That I’m actually having thoughts. It doesn’t feel good though. The thoughts are really bad though. Even bathing the dogs then I thought mum would do a better job of it. Would they be better off.

@Captain24 you did really well to bathe them both sweet. I know how hard it can be to cut them down on meals so well done on that.

Oh the bedding change is always so much effort, i struggle with doing mine. The taking off everything and washing it is ok but it's the remaking it that i find so hard to do.

I'm sorry your thoughts are still really dark but they are only thoughts and we have control over them. I regularly have those thoughts around others being able to care for others better than I can. Sending you hugs sweetheart❤️.

I lost it when I came home from the shops earlier and took my anger out on myself (I'm safe now). It was scary cos I didn't even have a chance to stop and think it just happened in a split second. I've been sitting on the lounge since and having cuddles with Casper.

It’s the remaking that I dread too. That’s why as I take them off I put fresh ones straight on or I’d be sleeping on a mattress for days. @MissGremlin It just feels like too much effort.

It’s hard. I know mum would look after them better. They’d be loved and cared for.

Do you need any treatment? Are you ok? I get it though. The anger, the need to take it out, I’m having the same problem. One of my dark thoughts.

@Captain24 i only have one set of sheets for my bed so can't even do that. I have to wash and dry everything in the same day.

You do a wonderful job of looking after them sweet and i know you have so much love for them even if you can't feel that right now.

I will need to have an xray but I've just realised that my doctors appointment on Tuesday will have to be made a telehealth one as I have the dentist in the city at the same time. It's horrible having that anger and the thoughts.