I can’t cope

@Captain24 oh sweetheart, you're not a bad mum or person, it's so easy to forget when you're focused on doing other things.

You're not alone sweet, i get that frozen state though I'm very new to it so haven't really worked out how to navigate it myself yet. Can you focus on some things around you sweet, notice some details about them colour, texture etc, wriggle your toes and notice the feeling. Sending you love and hugs beautiful ❤️

I’ve tried all the grounding techniques I know @MissGremlin. I’ve been through all the ones on my safety plan. Nothing works

I feel so stuck and numb but I feel like crying at the same time because I’m so numb. Because of my dogs, because I failed to feed them, because I’m just a failure I just want to cry. It doesn’t make any sense. This is where I need @Jynx to help me understand.

I don’t think any one else is around either.

@Captain24 i hear you sweet but please know you're not a failure. I'm not sure what to say or suggest but know that I'm here with you sweetheart ❤️.

Hello lovely,

I am here for a little bit tonight.

Let's work through this together. @Captain24 💛

I know you mentioned feeling like a failure. Can you tell me more about why this is coming up for you?

Hey @AuntGlow

How are you?

I couldnt manage to do the ironing, I just stood and looked at it for 10 minutes with the iron on. I didn’t feed my dogs lunch. I didn’t feed myself. Pix didn’t get a full dose of insulin this morning or tonight as she kept lulling away so I don’t actually know how much she got. I just sit and do nothing. I can’t talk, I can’t think. I’m detached from my dogs which breaks my heart. See… a failure

I don’t know what to do either @MissGremlin

I just fail at everything . Even my dogs. Pix missed all her insulin again.

Thanks for being here.

Im going to go to bed. Im really tired and hoping I get a good sleep so I can recover from nightshift.

@Captain24 oh sweet, I can hear that feeling of failure is so strong for you and I'm sorry that you feel that way. From where I'm sitting i don't see a failure, I see an amazing, strong and resilient person who despite the challenges you are facing you're still doing your absolute best to take care of yourself and your beautiful fur babies.

I hope you can get a good night's sleep sweetheart, lots of gentle, caring hugs coming your way ❤️.

I am well, thank you for asking. @Captain24 🫶

I can see how your brain correlates inaction with failure... but I wonder if we can come back to the idea of exploring self-compassion? It sounds to me like your nervous system is in a bit of a freeze state, and I can imagine it would be really hard to take action from that place. So, is it possible that there is a very valid reason as to why you are finding momentum hard? I know a lot of big things have been happening for you that would absolutely be contributing, but what comes to mind first? 💛

Hi @AuntGlow

Im sorry. I went to bed and fell asleep when my head hit the pillow. I actually didn’t think you would respond, usually you don’t for a couple of days. So I’m really sorry.

I am in a freeze state. It’s been weeks and I’m really struggling through it. It’s making life really hard. I’m unable to do a lot of things. I’m really struggling with even feeding Pix on time and giving her her needle. I am doing it though as I need to do it to look after her. Even though I feel really detached from them. Something to discuss with my Pdoc and psych tomorrow and Tuesday.

My momentum is really hard and I find it even more difficult as I can’t even do daily tasks properly. I’m normally really good at getting things done even if it’s just cleaning the house. I am really overwhelmed by today and it’s only 8 am. I have to bath the dogs and change my bedlinen. I have written other things down but I just can’t do it all. The dogs and bedlinen have to be done. But instead of getting it all done in 2 hours it’s going to take me most of the day.

I really struggle with self compassion at the best of times and now it feels impossible. It feels like I don’t deserve it as I have obviously let myself get so bad that I am in freeze. My psych is pretty worried about it and in concerned that I may act in suicidal thoughts rather quickly if it lifts a little. At the start and end of each sessions she checks my safety.

The first thing that comes to mind is just bipolar. This stuff can happen for no reason. But I do also think it was all triggered by my surgery in November. It cause hypomania and then crashed into a bipolar depression. The thing that is scaring me even more is that I’m having the whole surgery again on the 26th. What’s the hormones going to do this time? The hormones that exacerbate bipolar? Then the hormones I have to take to stop the bleed!ng if that happens again?

I got some sleep last night. Quite a bit and I’m actually feeling a little refreshed and a lot less ‘nightshift hangover’ I have a lot to do but not sure if I’m capable. But I really have to do it. Currently I’m stuck on the lounge. The stuff really has to be done so I can have a kind of rest day tomorrow before work starts all over again. The training day Tuesday is making things harder especially when I did an extra shift. Plus I see my Pdoc tomorrow and I’m really scared. I then see my psych Tuesday after a big day so that’s going to be exhausting. I’m feeling really overwhelmed.