I can’t cope

@Captain24 thankyou for the birthday wishes sweetheart ❤️.

It's been really hard leading up to this day and I told myself I wasn't going to be here for it, though those feelings are still very much there on how I'm going to get through the day (I'm safe). But I'm glad to be here with people that care and I have Casper here with me so today is just going to be taking it one second at a time.

Oh I hate waiting for the washing to finish, it feels like it takes forever. I'm really hoping Pix doesn't bite you this time. She's got so much sass for a little dog 😂

That must be an uneasy feeling @MissGremlin. I don’t think uneasy is the right word though. (Remember I’m sleep deprived!) To have the feeling of still being here when you didn’t think you would.

If one second at a time is all you can do then 1 second it is.

Pix didn’t bite but she growled and yelped so I’m not sure whether she got the full dose or not. She is a pain in the arse! She is strong willed, stubborn and has an attitude!

@Captain24 it's a very uneasy feeling, today is going to be really hard to get through (I'm safe).

i have lots of tears now, my land agent just emailed. They want an extra $45 a week which yes is better than the $70 that they were asking but I still just can't cover it.

I'm glad she didn't bite this time, hoping she got enough of the dose. She might be all those things but she can get away with it cos she's cute 😂.

I’ve just woken up and the first thing I thought of was how you are going? @MissGremlin

That’s not good news. I’m so sorry that is happening for you. Is there a cheaper place you would be comfortable moving too? That’s close to the town you’re in? Maybe surrounding towns might be cheaper? That’s a big call though. Here you would have to move a couple of hours away but then there is no support and you have to start over again?

I don’t think she did but all I can do is try. She is cute and lovable so she is lucky. I still feel detached from them though.

@Captain24 awww that's so sweet. I'm a bit of a mess over here at the moment, currently chatting to a crisis service (I'm safe).

How was your sleep sweet?

Unfortunately there's nothing cheaper around at all, everything is over $500 a week. Also can't go far from where i am as I have my doctor here plus other things I need to be close to for reasons I can't say here and having a car that's hit and miss as to whether it's going to start doesn't make travelling far easy.

Well she will have another dose later so hopefully she gets all of that one, you're doing so well with her sweet. I understand that detached feeling but I also know that deep down they still mean the world to you, it's just that other things are clouding those feelings right now. Hugs sweetheart, one step at a time and things will start to get better ❤️.

I’m sorry it hard @MissGremlin. I hope the service is helpful.

My sleep was terrible. I was asleep for 3 hours and went to the toilet 3 times! On top of that I kept waking up. I’m really tired. I’ve just packed the dishwasher and it’s running and now I’m trying to talk myself into going grocery shopping. So I have food for the next 2 weeks before all my bills come out of my account. I’ll have no money after Wednesday.

Sorry it was just a thought. I don’t know what else to suggest.

I do love them dearly and it makes me feel like a horrible mum and so sad. It hurts me.

@Captain24 it wasn't really helpful and i got interrupted by a phone call from the lady from the mental health team.

That's rough sweet, I'm sorry you didn't get much sleep. You've got this sweet, once you've done the shopping then you can hopefully relax for a bit. I hear you on not having money, I got paid yesterday and now there's not even enough left for food for the next 2 weeks after paying rent and bills.

I know you feel like a horrible mum to them but these feelings aren't the truth sweet, they are from the pain and everything that's going on at the moment. Be gentle with yourself ❤️

How is it going with the mental health team? @MissGremlin

I have to go and get the washing off the line and iron it. Then my work clothes will be ready for Wednesday. I may say I do t have any money but that’s because I have $800 worth of bills coming out this fortnight. Plus two psych appointments. My account will be deeply in the red. But I have Medicare money to come through and I have paid so money off my credit card to use for my hospital excess and Pix’s vet visit. I have food for the next two weeks. Please, please don’t compare our situations. Mine is so easy to sort, the overtime shift from last night will help easily. You don’t have that, you don’t have the money for food. You can barely keep a roof over your head. I may complain and it is a little stressful but absolutely nothing like you are going through. I feel guilty for struggling since I have a job but you have it so much harder.

I don’t think they notice it, they still lay with me. Jett is on my lap every time I sit down and Pix just does her thing. Jett’s actually playing with his humping bear right now!

@Captain24 the mental health team said they had someone who could help with housing and financial assistance but then when my details got passed to the person who manages those things, she rang me and told me that there's nothing she can do to help. The only other thing they've talked about offering is a support worker package but after going through the details with the mental health worker there really isn't anything they can offer me that would help.

How did you go with your washing? Definitely not comparing our situations sweet but I know alot of people are struggling to make ends meet even with working multiple jobs so please don't ever feel guilty for sharing your struggles about it. Regardless of whether it's an easy fix by picking up extra shifts etc, it's still a big thing and stressful.

They don't notice because despite how you are feeling you still do everything for them, you still feed them, bath them and care for them so they know they are loved ❤️. Haha that's just classic, Jett is a character 😂.

I’m sorry that they can’t help with anything either @MissGremlin. You just can’t get a break.

I got it off the line but I couldn’t iron it. I just looked at it with the iron switch on for about 10 minutes. I unplugged the iron and went back to bed.

I need more OT shifts but I can’t with the dogs and I can’t for myself either. I need the break between to recover. I am stressed but I guess it will all work out. Just need to limit my spending.

That made me cry as I forgot to give them lunch. I went shopping and didn’t do it when I got back. I am a bad mum. I am a really bad person. I don’t deserve them.

Im not ok at the moment. I can’t think, I can’t speak, I can’t move.