I can’t cope

@Captain24 I know you did your best sweet just like you always do, I'm sorry that you feel like it never gets noticed but know that we see it here.

I can relate to the claustrophobia, I struggle with tight spaces or even feeling trapped if I'm at the back of the shops to far away from the way out.

You did so well to get everything done sweet, hoping you can get a good sleep before work again tonight.

Psychs are really good at prompting to help get things out. It's hard when the words to describe things just aren't there, like you can feel everything but trying to name and say it feels impossible.

Oh sweetheart, i hear you. Just remember that it's ok to let those tears flow but i know like me you find it hard to let them out. I know those thoughts can be hard to sit with but you are doing so well to share it and I'm glad that you won't act on anything. Just remember that it's ok for those thoughts to pop up and it's just a matter of riding the wave until they settle again and reaching out for help is also ok if they feel hard to sit with alone or get stronger. You matter sweet and you deserve support always ❤️.

You have nothing to apologise for, I'm always here to listen and offer support. I know it's not the same as having someone physically there, but I hope it helps a little to know that you have a community here that cares about you so much ❤️.

Hey @Captain24 ,

So sorry to hear about last night. Did the panic start towards the beginning of your shift? I also read about the other fellow parking his truck and just sleeping! That's so frustrating! Honestly, I don't know how you do your job. I'm still pretty fascinated by it all.

Are you feeling a little better now?

Oh, and I'm working this Monday. It's Australia Day so I opted not to take Australia Day off and swap it for Wednesday. So yes, I'll be around.. I think I'll be on in the late evening. Are you working then?

As for feeling so sick on Friday, I felt better after a sleep. I rested the next morning.

Hope you are okay and I'll catch you when you're on next.

We have a fill in person that organises everywhere we go and stuff. She didn’t know where the water cart gets parked at the end of shift. She usually puts it in one place but it should be in another place. So I asked her the question and she put me in the right place e which means I got out 10 minutes later. If I hadn’t have done the ‘right’ thing I could have finished earlier. @MissGremlin

I did sleep well but I’ve woken up early so that makes things hard. I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s triple time after midnight.

You just reminded me that I have an app that helps with describing feelings! I would have been I trouble if I didn’t use it. So thank you. I’ll go through it tomorrow in time for my appointment Tuesday.

It’s hard to let if out. I actually wish I could. I lost control one day and full on cried for 2 hours! I was exhausted.

I know I should really dump so much on here but at least it meant I could go to sleep. Also here is the only place I’ve got. When I’m in a better headspace I am a much nicer person and less selfish.

How are you going? Sorry if I don’t respond until the morning.

At 9:17 @tyme so really early on. It took me about half an hour to regulate my breathing.

It’s a really easy job. There is always in the back of your mind how dangerous it is but that is rare. We have so many safety procedures in place that it’s highly unlikely

I slept pretty well, I just woke up early. Which makes it hard. Extra adhd meds should help, safe amounts!

Im feeling a little better than when I went to bed. Not great but not quite so distraught and distressed.

I will hopefully get a couple of hours sleep in the morning and be around the rest of the day! I’m so glad you will be around! I won’t be working until Friday so I only get 4 days of and one is heading down to my psych!

Im glad it all passed pretty quickly for you.

Probably just need to keep telling yourself that you are working to pay the bills @Captain24 . That's the only thing that will keep you going when tough stuff pops up.

So yes, I'll be here tonight until around 7:30pm, then Monday until 10pm (I think!). I need to check after I log off today.

Getting up early can be hard because it means you have a longer day. What time do you leave for work? You're working today, right?

That's what I do @tyme. I wouldn’t have my house if I didn’t. I’m also telling myself it’s triple time after midnight tonight. I read in here about how many people can just not work due the their MH. This is not a judgement! Please don’t think so. It amazes me and amazes myself that I can managed to get up and go there even in my darkest moments. I surprise myself. I think I can only do it because I get so many days off though. I don’t think I could do it if it was Monday to Friday.

It does make for a long shift but I just have to do it. I’m just getting ready now and I leave at 5:30. I thought about pulling the pin in the last 2 hours as it’s voluntary but is triple time so it’s worth staying. Plus I have to register my car!

Im so glad you will (possibly) be hanging around. You can help me brainstorm!

That's what I've always said. Despite such challenging MH, you still manage to hold down a job. That's a huge achievement. And I also see that honestly, if you didn't have the job, and didn't have expenses, you wouldn't leave the house. To in a way, I see it as a blessing in disguise - even if the job throws crap at you sometimes @Captain24 !

As you said, triple pay after midnight is great!

And yes, if you can, hang in the last 2 hrs so you can register your car! And don't give the money to your bro!

It is a blessing as I would never leave the house! I wouldn’t have any contact with anyone or any distractions. Yes sometimes it’s not a good place but I am out and working. Plus having physical human contact @tyme.

I’ll be hard to stay but I stay every other night shift so I can do it again especially with the added bonus. I only have to register my car for 6 months as that’s all I could afford 6 months ago and as yes, I had given all my money to my bro! He hasn’t asked me since then. He is working 2 jobs though.

Do you have plans on Wednesday? Is that why you swapped?

The kids start school on Wed so I wanted to take it off so I could spend more time with them when they came home @Captain24

My sis has got a new assistant principal role at school so there will be less of my sister. I didn't want her to take the role, but I guess she needs to earn the money because my BIL is not really able to at this stage. He's well and everything, but just needs a bit of time.

So yeah, life's not easy, with or without children. If things get too much, I might have to reduce hours here too. Who knows what the year will bring???

And yes, the pay incentive is worth it.... at least you don't have to run home to kids and your mum looks after your furbabies.

Aww.. that’s so sweet @tyme

Congrats to your sis but this is me being selfish and opinionated, can’t you BIL step up and help with the kids. You shouldn’t have to reduce your hours of a job you enjoy. I don’t think that is really fair. I’m not talking from me wanting you around, so don’t think that. I just think you already do so much for her and the kids. Sorry if that is wrong to say.

I don’t have to rush home for anything. I’m glad I don’t have kids and that option could be taken away from me anyway if I have to have that surgery. My dogs are easy, they are looked after and are fine to be home alone for a few hours. They know that they get dropped if at 10:30 of a night and just sleep until I get home at 8. I’d probably stress if I had to stay much later though as they need to go to the toilet!

Im just about to leave. I hope you have a good night and I’ll see you tomorrow