I can’t cope

Just got here! Have a good shift @Captain24 !

Take care.

@Captain24 oh I went outside last night to look at the stars ☺️.

Oohhh which set is it?

Hope you have another night where you can find some glimmers sweetheart ❤️.

Thankyou sweet ❤️

I just pulled up at the smokers spot. @tyme

I hope you are feeling ok today after a massive day yesterday. I hope you didn’t crash or crash too badly.

Im going in person to see my psych on Tuesday so I’m looking forward to that. She had a cancellation and it fits with timing. Mum said she would have the dogs for 4 hours in the middle of the day before it gets hot and then drop them home to the cool.

I hope you have a good shift and a good night.

Oh that’s so cool. We may have looked at the same time! @MissGremlin

It’s the aquarium! It’s so cool.

I’ve gotta go now.

Have a good night.

@Captain24 maybe we did.

Oohhh the aquarium one is cool ☺️.

You too sweetheart ❤️

Actually, I never asked! I remember you were working on quitting smoking. Has that been put in the too hard basket for now? @Captain24

Arghhh... I felt so bad after logging off last night. I had a massive migraine and ended up throwing up because of it. So I didn't sleep much but I got to rest in this morning.

Do you have specific things you want to speak to the psych about on Tuesday? Happy to brainstorm with you if you need it.

I'm glad your mum was willing to take the dogs during that time.

Please take care during your shift. Speak soon.

It is cool @MissGremlin

I hope you had a good sleep tonight

It has been out in the too hard basket @tyme. I just couldn’t afford it and I had decided that I needed to quit, not that I wanted to quit. I made the decision just after my polyps were discovered and just before my psych was going away for 8 weeks and also while I was coming to terms with the ADHD and autism. My psych did think it was a good idea. So I just kept smoking and I buy the cheap smokes.

That’s not good… I’m sorry you were so sick. Just a bit all too much? I’m glad you got to rest in the morning though. I’m hoping you got some good sleep last night.

I haven’t really thought about it, I’d love to brainstorm but we won’t see each other before I go. You aren’t on on mondays. 😔

Mum will hustle have them for a couple of hours so she isn’t to against it. They will spend most of the day here with the air con on. Plus they will be here in the hottest part of the day.

Work wasn’t good. I did the job I wanted but I nearly had a panic attack. I tried to open the door to my truck while I was inside and I couldn’t get it open. I tried and I tried. I started panicking but case I was trapped inside with no way out. I couldn’t get out so I couldn’t put the ladder down if I called for help. No one would be able to get to me. I kept trying and it finally opened. It took me ages to calm down. Then my whole mood shifted. I couldn’t shake it, I couldn’t distract myself, looking at the stars and the moon didn’t help, looking at nan and pops star didn’t help. I didn’t do well after that and I really don’t feel ok now. I’m really struggling. I’m struggling with everything. The drive home was hard I didn’t want to do it. I walked inside and the dogs were excited and I just patted them. I’m now sitting on the lounge instead of feeding them and getting ready for bed. I can’t get myself up to feed them. I don’t want to go to bed, that means I miss the awesome hot day which would help me. Also going to bed means I have to wake up and get up to go to work. I just can’t do anything. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to forget that I exist. I am safe. Just despising everything right now.

I really wish we could talk soon… I kinda need you at the moment but I guess I need to work to pay the bills!

I hope you have a good restful day.

Im not sure if you are even on tonight or if you’ll get this.

Morning @Captain24 sweet, last night sounds like it was tough for you. Not being able to open the door would definitely feel scary. I'm sorry that the mood shifted from there and that nothing helped to shake it. It's ok to take things slowly now that you are home, maybe just pausing for a moment and allowing yourself to start to wind down from the night. Take things one baby step at a time, you've got this sweet ❤️.

I can relate to those feelings of not wanting to exist and I'm sorry you feel that way. But know that you're not alone sweetheart, we are always here for you. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️.

It was horrible @MissGremlin. Such a long hard night. I worked hard to make sure everything I did was right and the guy that was doing the same job but at a different end of the pit just parked up and slept. No one said anything. I try my best to do things right but it never gets noticed.

Im mildly claustrophobic so that didn’t help. I’m ok in spaces as long as there is a way out. If there isnt away I start to panic.

I finally got everything done. Mum will be here soon to pick up the dogs so I had to do it and get into bed.

I wish I could describe what I’m feeling but there are just no words. Maybe my psych might be able to get them out of me. She usually prompts and that helps.

Im just fighting back the tears. I nearly cried in the shower. I started but I stopped myself. There is stuff that I’m feeling but can’t say in here. All I think I can say is that I have passive SH thoughts. Not SI as I’ve done too far for that. I am safe and won’t act on anything.

Sorry this is all bad, but that’s just how I’m feeling.

Sorry it’s too much.

I know you are all here but at the same time I feel really alone in this.