I can’t cope

Thanks for thinking of me @AlwaysMyself. I’m really having trouble with understanding why anyone would. I’m also have trouble understanding why anyone cares. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate it but I’m just not worthy of it. I’m nothing and a nobody. I’m just a waste of oxygen.

Im really stressing about them. I’m worried that mum is arupid enough to take them out for a walk tonight as it’s only 39 degrees. They could burn their little feet on the ground. Plus Pix won’t cope even in the pram with the ice pack. The towel thing came from the vets a few years ago with one of mums other dogs. She was sick and couldn’t regulate her body temperature. They have to go on their belly as that’s the quickest way to cool them down. That’s what the vet did when mum had to rush Pix in. Then she put wet towels all over her.

Work went ok, I kept myself busy and was left alone. There was no pressure. I’m hoping I go to sleep shortly as I need a lot and 4:30 seems to come around fast!

I read on another post about hospital. Ask me anything you want to know. I will tell you what happens at the hospital I go to. Anything to give you some understanding. I was petrified the first time I went. I did get told little bits but it was really overwhelming when I got there. Anything to make it easier for you.

I hope you got to sleep. I understand needing to keep a sleep schedule. I try too but it varies between work days, work nights and days off! I’ve had to do a lot of work!

I just triggered myself. I’m so stupid. I’m suppose to be going to sleep but now my head is full. I really despise myself right now. I hurt deep down inside. I’m broken deep down. It’s like it’s hollow. It’s empty. It’s like I’m nothing, well I guess not like, I am nothing.

Im having trouble with the thoughts that I deserve to be alive. Like, really, do I? I don’t have anything to offer the world.

Im safe. I’m to unwell not to be. I’m past the point of SI. I’m deeper than that. It’s hard to explain but just know that my safety is not an issue

Hey @Captain24

I know you may not feel you are worth anything, and maybe at the moment you dont even have any value for yourself, but know that I think you are valuable and have a lot to offer. You offer me insight and companionship. You've also offered to share your experiences of being in the hospital to help me explore that idea - thats just a single example.

Posting more, just wanted this first i type.

I was going to suggest whether sending check-in messages to your mum during the day to remind her about keeping the dogs cool would help, then i realised she has them whilst you sleep! Silly me!

Does you mum know about your SI struggles? If so, is she someone you can call right now to vent it all out and get some reassurance that she cares and wants you to live? @Captain24

I know some people arent good with MH or SI though and that may not feel a safe option.

What was the word @Jynx used for you? Precious, i think it was?

Do you reckon your mum would be willing to always do the "palm on ground" test for heat before going for dog walks?

And i very much agree with you that a 40 degree day the paving will still be too hot even in the evening after the sun goes down for quite a while. Maybe she needs to give them a *midnight* walk if she can't resist at all. Or a 5am walk because thats the coolest time right, just before sunrise?

Its so hard when you dont feel you can safely entrust your pups to. I had a lot of these concerns with my now-ex when he wasnt coping/treating/recognising his depression. Although i knew they were safe for a day or two at least, my concerns were about fulltime care of them without me organising everything. Thankfully now he is coping better i am not worried and trust he can/would look after them without me.

If you need a quick laugh, i just got this SMS.

For context, my dog goes to person who does human chiro too, and out of a human chiro centre not a vet clinic. So i get all the normal comms emails and sms for my dogs 🤣.

But actually, my dog does have a backpack! Hahaha

@Captain24 oh no that sucks, there's nothing worse then getting disturbed by alarms.

Really hoping work goes ok for the next couple of nights sweet.

Hope you've been getting lots of sleep today for your shift tonight.

Sorry I didn't reply sooner, I slept in myself today and then had to go to the shops aswell.

Really look forward to being able to chat to you again ☺️

Hey @AlwaysMyself

I have a little bit of time, I woke up a bit earlier than I should have.

No mum doesn’t know anything about my MH just my diagnosis. I don’t think she loves me anyway. Plus if I told her she would just say ‘go and do it then’ so not much help at all. If I was told to do it I probably would. I am safe though.

Yeah.. precious. It has stuck with me.

It’s not as hot as expected yet so that’s a good thing. It’s only suppose to reach 37 now. I do hope she thinks of their feet. It’s a feels like of 29. Plus it cools down pretty quick, so I’m not quite as scared today.

My psych emailed me and I have an appointment at 1 now on Tuesday. That means I can go down in person, just need to check if mum can have to dogs for a couple of hours around lunchtime and drop them back in. It’s 38 that’s day.

Ghe trust with your ex must have been so hard. I kind of think I understand what you went through, sort of. At least mine come home over night. I’m normally worried about them but it’s just this heat and Pix’s recent heat stroke.

I slept alright but I have to go now and get ready.

Thanks you

You don’t have to reply at anytime! @MissGremlin. I was asleep any way.

Im so glad you slept in. That’s great news. My sleep was ok but I did wake up a bit earlier. Hence I have time to respond now.

I did see the gremlin too. He’s a little bit cute!

We can chat on Monday!

@Captain24 it was nice to get a bit of a sleep in and it very rarely happens.

The Gremlin is definitely cute, waiting for my other set to arrive now but that is still being ordered in.

I can't wait for Monday then. Hope work goes ok for you tonight sweet. Always thinking of you, lots of love and hugs your way ❤️.

Last post as I have to leave in 10 mins @MissGremlin

I Hope it felt good and you got some benefit out of it.

Im saving up to order the one I want. It’s a little bit expensive! I cant remember if it’s 6 or 7 hundred!

I hope work is like last night. I even found glimmers. The stars were bright and the moon was cute. I was able to park in the dark to see them.

I hope you have a good night.