I can’t cope

Yes, allowing yourself to leave whenever you need sounds like a great idea @Captain24

I know sometimes I feel worse when I don't go to events, so I understand you still wanting to go. I will sometimes go with an excuse prepared in case I feel awkward once it's time to leave

I hope that it is a nice time for you

I did go @Ru-bee. It was quite good at the beginning. I was a part of the group. It felt nice to be included but then as more people came it became to overwhelming and to peopley. I did leave early but I was there for a couple of hours. A lot of them to ‘supplements’ to help them stay awake. They offered them to me but I was like NO WAY!! Who knows how I would react or how it would mix with all my other drugs.

Im glad I came home early though. Now I can unwind from being overstimulated and hopefully get some sleep.

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@Captain24 wrote:

Please… if you feel I am too much and you need time out from me, let me know. You do deserve a reprieve from me. I burden you a lot and I’m sorry. I do feel I should disappear as I’m just a problem but all this other stuff is just crushing me. I am sorry for being me.

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To this @Captain24 I wanna share a lil meme I was gonna chuck up in the Toolshed at some point:

This one did take me a little while to wrap my head around in my own recovery journey. But basically I want you to know that all these things that you're assuming about me - that I'm tired of you, burdened by you, or that I need a time out or something - are just not true.

Unless I tell you to your face, with words, that I am feeling some kinda way about you, then you can always assume everything is fine. Also in regards to like, the rest of the team - you can't imagine how much we share things with each other about how proud we are of members, or sending links to posts like 'omg look what Captain said, I'm so impressed! I hope this means good things for her!'

I hope you can take some big breaths and let out a sigh of relief, to know that we're all here rooting for you 😉

Yay for being home!! I feeeeeel you about needing to unwind from events that are super peopley! What are you up to for the rest of the evening?

I don’t really get it @Jynx Sorry

I wasn’t thinking you were judging me I was saying it’s ok if you needed some space from me.

Please do tell me.

I didn’t realise you guys did that. It sounds like you work as a team with us not just one on one if that makes sense.

I did feel supported today when I completely broke down. Sobbing and all. I was a mess. Still feel really raw and vulnerable right now.

I got really badly triggered at work last night. I thought I had done the right thing but I got ‘you did the right things but…’ there’s always a bit in everything I do. We thought this guys truck was on fire and I was there ready to put the cannon (a massive water hose kind of thing) on it and he just sat in his truck like a stunned mullet. I told him to get out twice. He is one of the ones that doesn’t speak to me. I did the wrong thing. I shouldn’t have put pressure on him it only made him panic, apparently. Plus a few other things with the other guy that doesn’t speak to me. I just felt like I didn’t need anymore put in me right now.

Anyway that’s what lead to me breaking down.

Ive just fed the dogs and moved the sprinkler for the last time. I’m really tired with have 30 minutes sleep since 4pm yesterday. I don’t know what to do. I can’t think straight. So much noise. I need something to wind down though.

Oh… I heard about a certain mod leaving next week. I’m a little devastated!

Sorry I’ve been self-centred but I really do care about you. How are you? How was your day?

Oh.. and this is what my car said at 6pm tonight after it was parked in the shade, not full sunlight @Jynx

I’m lying in bed. So tired, so drained. I just have nothing in me. I am running in empty.

All I want to do is curl up in a little ball and just cry. I won’t because it’s not allowable or appropriate especially after failing controlling it earlier in the day.

Why am I so hard on myself?

Why can’t I just let myself be?

Why can’t I find peace again?

Sorry @Captain24 I've been flying solo and tonight has been pretty hectic!! I'll hopefully be able to respond properly tomorrow.

Please remember that all of these things are mental habits that once kept you safe. Recovery can be slow going, but it is going - and we do see this in you every day.

You will be ok, I believe in you 💜

T/W negative self-talk

I had a sleep in today. I got up at 8. I don’t feel as tired which is good as I have a massive day planned.

I still feel really distressed though. I feel like I have to push myself to distract from the thoughts.

Im feeling really low and down. I’m suppose to go into town and go to the markets to get treats for the dogs and go to the chemist. I really need my new medication. It scares me though. I’m scared of going even further backwards. I know that I may not necessarily get the side effects but so far everything with this whole surgery has gone wrong. I fell into the 1% of having the polyps, I fell into the reaction to the hormones and now I’m like ‘I guess I’ll fall into the same category with the meds’ It is totally the wrong attitude to have and I know that. I’m not normally a worrier about this stuff but this time I am.

Im having some extreme thoughts. I’m failing at a lot of things. Im failing at being a person. I even forgot to feed my dogs. I never do that and it shows how bad of a mum I am. These two are my whole world and my only reason for living.

Im a horrible, hopeless and useless person. I don’t deserve my babies, I don’t deserve anyone and I don’t deserve anything.

I am safe.

Hey @Captain24

I'm glad you got that bit of extra rest ahead of your big day but I'm hearing those negative thoughts are still really loud at the moment. I'm also hearing how scary it is not knowing what's to come with your new medication and these ongoing health difficulties. It's all a lot and it's natural that it be bringing up fear and anxiety and making it harder to quiet those negative voices, it might even make you forget one of your dog's mealtimes.

Despite this, you're getting up to face today which take a huge amount of strength and resilience.

You've got this Cap, we believe in you and we're here with you

Thanks @Ru-bee

Thanks for understanding all this pressure with my health stuff. I know I’m whinging a lot and it’s too much. But I’m really suffering with it all. I was struggling before all this hit a month ago but I was doing a lot better. I had hope in my days and positive moments. All this feels like a set back. I am doing my best to focus on the fact that it’s medical and out of my control. My bipolar was fairly stable until all of this. ADHD was a work in progress but I was seeing the changes. Not now.

I haven’t done much and I’m beating myself up. I’ve only done 3 loads of washing, still have another to go. I did go to the markets and got the dog bones and some local cherries. Plus I went to the chemist and the hardware shop for electrolyte icy poles.

I just fed my dogs. Pix certainly let me know it was time to eat! 😂 Since I didn’t do it early I have to talk myself into going out and weeding the garden beds. It’s suppose to be 38 this afternoon so at least it will be nice out there.