I can’t cope

It is hard to unmask but I have to work with my psych to get to a good place in my recovery. She can’t do it unless I met her half way or a little bit less. I have to do the work. I also unmask because I need to be open about what is going on and how I’m feeling and thinking for her to guide me in the right directions. @AuntGlow Im paying a lot of money so I need to make the most of it.

I kind of unmask at hospital around the others as they all ‘get it’ and I only see them for 3 weeks. I don’t want people in my actual life know that I get the thoughts that I do. I have never really had anyone care about me and it makes me uncomfortable in my real life.

It is a lot and a lot to digest. I did process a little more while I was working last night. They are being really good and telling me everything. I need to know for my own peace of mind. I’m concerned but not overly scared just yet. It has been all I’ve been thinking about since the appointment though.

I sent mum a msg while I was waiting on the receptionist to get back to me with appointments and referrals. Mum rang me straight away. I rang her on my way to work last night and she asked if I slept. I said not really and she said that she didn’t think I would have. So she asked and thought of me.

My lists are like an obsession or compulsion. Of I’m not doing something then I lose control too. It’s so hard and so confusing and makes no sense at all. Even writing it in here I know it sounds really stupid but it’s not something I can control. My psych said I have said a couple of things that she has flagged in her mind that point towards OCD but has left it alone and was just waiting for more flags to appear before discussing it. My next appointment will be all about yesterday’s news so it’ll be a pretty big appointment.

Im doing all the cooking and preparation. Mum and dad will just rock up at lunchtime and I’ll have it pretty much done. They will go home and I’ll start getting dinner sorted and they will come back for that. Mum offers to help but I try to let her rest as it’s a lot and it wears me out and I’m 26 years younger! She may have to do it next year though. My house is nicer, more space and a lot cooler so it makes sense to do it here.

What do you do for Christmas?

@Captain24 oh wow!! reading about your experience just makes me more aware of how little i know about reproductive health. feel like i'm learning a lot from you.

ofc, we're here for you 💙

Hello @Captain24,

I think that shows so much self-awareness and growth to be able to say, "I need to do the vulnerable thing to feel better". I feel like you've come a long way throughout your therapuetic journey. 🫶

I understand what you mean... I am really hopeful you will continue meeting people you are able to connect and unmask with. ☺️

I am glad you had more time to process and I think wanting to know is perfectly valid. I would want to know too. Please keep me updated.

That's really sweet. How did it feel to receive her care and concern?

It's not stupid at all! It sounds like your brain's very clever way of keeping you in a sense of familiarity, which naturally makes us feel more safe. But I can imagine it would be utterly exhausting, so more understanding about why these behaviours appear and how you can nurture the underlying need could be really helpful?

Oooh! What will you cook?!

I usually just see my mum and brother for lunch. 🥰

Hey @Captain24 so sorry to read about recent complications with your uterine health! So so overwhelming.

How's your Thursday going my friend?

Also PS after your last message to me, I just wanna express that for me, there's such a relief at seeing there's several more pages of posts afterwards. Because I definitely do NOT want you to disappear!!

I have come a long way @AuntGlow. More so in the last year with this psych. My old one I just masked. I couldn’t tell her anything or I’d get judgement or she would sigh. It was a really horrible experience and I just assumed that’s what psychologists were like. She actually told me that I was stupid and selfish. I was hospital that changed it all. My hospital Pdoc said I was never to see her again and this psych was a facilitator in the course I was doing and they set us up. Best thing that has happened in my journey.

The way I’m going I’ll never meet anyone. Rough night at work showed that. I even cried. I’m holding back the tears now.

It was really good that she cared, it feels like I have a mum and it’s nice.

It is stupid and totally exhausting. It’s wearing me out and wearing me down. I feel burnout but just can’t stop. We do need to get to the bottom of it but there just always seems to be more happening. I don’t think I can take much more.

We will just have a roast dinner for lunch. Chicken and beef plus veggies. We do have a Christmas thing we always add to lunch and it’s stuffed tomatoes so I’m making those too. Dinner is just cold meat and salads. We also have pudding after lunch. Lots of Christmas lollies and sweets in the table. Plus I just bought a Christmas cake.

We don’t see my brother. He never comes home.

What do you guys normally do?

Thanks @Jynx. Lots going on with just a waiting game and it’s hard to get my head around it all.

My Thursday sucked. I worked last night and it was horrible. I had a bad night and even cried. I’m struggling to keep it in now.

I know.. I’m a failure. I can’t help myself. I’ve mostly just responded to posts but I did post about my health as I need to get it out. The support has been great though.

Please… if you feel I am too much and you need time out from me, let me know. You do deserve a reprieve from me. I burden you a lot and I’m sorry. I do feel I should disappear as I’m just a problem but all this other stuff is just crushing me. I am sorry for being me.

Hey @Captain24 it sounds like you're had a rough day which is making those negative thoughts extra loud at the moment.

I'm sorry you're up against this at the moment and I hope that after getting some rest things are feeling a little easier. I'm around today if you wanna chat 💜

I finally broke. I’m suppose to be asleep but I just broke down and burst into tears and sobbing. Last night at work I did cry but it was just tears. Now I have lost it all together. I’m really trying to pull myself together. I have an hour and a half before I have to be up and get ready for the work Christmas party. I need to get some sleep.

Im tired and broken. I think it’s all beaten me. It’s all gotten too much. It feels so hard right now. I just can’t take anything else thrown at me. I need a break.

I wrote this before I saw your post @Ru-bee

@Captain24 Aw Cap, it sounds like you've been really needing to get this emotion out. I know how hard and scary crying can be for you, I guess it just shows the power of the emotions you've been holding back. I really hope that this cry can bring some relief after its over

Is there any space to give yourself permission not to go to the Christmas party? Or do you think it would be helpful to go?

I feel shame @Ru-bee and embarrassment.I feel drained.

I do feel like a little of the pressure is gone.

I got 45 minutes sleep. I’m tired, drained and exhausted.

I’ve come to the decision that I will go to the Christmas party. Not sure whether it will be helpful or not. But I have given myself permission to come home whenever I’m ready. Do you think that is reasonable?

Now u have to have a shower and wash my hair! The party is 20 minutes from my place and starts at 2.