I can’t cope

I couldn’t sleep last night it didn’t matter what I tried I just struggled to fall asleep. My white noise goes for an hour and I heard it go through twice. I even got up and had a shower. I tried everything. Now I’m concerned that it’s all happening again. I got just over 2 hours. My alarm went off at 6 this morning. I had to go shopping at 7 and get all my washing done in the hopes that it drys in time to take it off before I go to bed at 12.

I feel really tired and exhausted. I’m dragging myself around. I have done a little bit though. My house is clean and my dinners are cooked for work.

I once again have written myself a massive list to get things done ready for Christmas. Maybe I can push myself really hard to get it done in a couple of days. The only thing is is that I’ll just write myself another one. I have to feel like I’m doing things otherwise I’m lazy. I have to be busy to forget the thoughts in my head. They are getting really dark and really scary. It’s worse when I go to bed. Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep, I can’t stop them. They are on repeat. I have to will myself to not get out of bed. Bed is my safe space. While I’m busy I’m safe it’s when I stop that I have to fight it. I guess I just need to stay busy. When things get too hard I do try and cuddle my dogs to remember that they need me. To feel their love, To feel their bond. To warm my heart.

So after the start to my day it gets even better. My gyno just called and I have abnormal cells in the polyps that were removed. I have to go back and have the surgery done again in May. Then they will check if the cells have come back or have turned into cancer. Depending on the results the surgery after that is a hysterectomy.

I should not have had blood for the last two weeks non stop or have had any pain. I have to have an ultrasound to see if the mirena is in the right place. It needs to be done now and then I need to have another one before I have an appointment with him in March. I have to take tablets three times a day for 30 days and then stop and if the blood restarts and continues I have to go back on them for 30 days.

So that’s my appointment in a nutshell. All positive news.. not. Can my life get anymore upside down right now? It’s all just a 6 month waiting game.

Because you have been checking in on my appointment. I don’t expect responses and I hate tagging but just thought I would share.

@AuntGlow @Jynx @rav3n @Ru-bee

I'm glad you tagged me @Captain24 I want to know what's going on with you!

I'm sorry that it wasn't good news at the appointment today. I'm looking for an upside and I guess it's that they're aware of what's going on and have a plan to move forward... but gosh it'd be better if you didn't need to go through all of this.

Are Jett and Pix there for some cuddles? I'm sending you a gentle hug from here 💜

hey @Captain24 😊

sucks that the weather wasn't in your favour this weekend, but a cosy time inside where you both could just catch up and enjoy each other's company sounds just as great. totally fair to feel upset that you didn't get to take her to certain places, but i assure you, you didn't fail her. i also wonder... maybe she was tired too after all that driving and maybe was relieved to stay in?

also read about the 6 month wait!?!? i'm sorry that it couldn't be earlier, wish there was a way to reduce the wait time. i imagine this is heaps to process too. i'm glad that you reached out to the professional about the mirena, i've got my fingers crossed the bleeding stops soon.

how are you holding up with it all? do you see your psych soon?

Honestly, I think Pix and I would have a lot in common. 💅 @Captain24

Well, I am proud of you for staying in your integrity - good on you, that can be tough when people aren't offering the same consideration. I am curious, what helps you with this?

Have you had moments of unmasking in therapy?

I understand why masking feels so necessary for you, it would be incredibly challenging to simply feel safe being unmasked after growing up in that space. I see glimmers of it here though and we all appreciate you for you. 🫶

Overwhelmed and tired makes sense... considering you feel this way, I wonder if reducing your task list could be an act of self-care this week?

I will be seeing my mum and brother, and his partner's family. What about you? 💛

I’m sort of ok with it @rav3n @Ru-bee

Yeah, at least I know that it’s there and what is going on. If my GP hadn’t have sent me for a scan to see if I had POCS I wouldn’t even know and it could have ended up a whole lot worse. I’m grateful that my GP was thorough.

I have to wait the 6 months to see if it grows back. I see the gyno on the 13th of Feb and I have a scan on the 8th of Jan. I guess is the scan shows that all isn’t in the right place I may see him earlier.

I just slept for nightshift but didn’t sleep well. It was all running through my mind. The what ifs, the surgery again, the pain again. I was a lot to try and process before going to sleep for an important sleep.

I read the side effects of the new medication and they are your typical nausea, vomiting and diarrhoea. But they also include sleep disturbances and depression. Looks like this could be a really rough road. Plus in May when I have the surgery the hormones from it start again. I was hoping the new year would be better and I could try and continue to get my life under control after this current hiccup that I’m mentally going through.

Pix and Jett are at mums being babysat so I didn’t have them nearby.

I see my psych on Tuesday so that will be good, I think I’m really going to need her in the coming months.

@Jynx @AuntGlow

I’m just proving that I am a better person than they are. I’m not like them, I have more to me than that. @AuntGlow

I do unmask in therapy but it’s harder for her to reject me as I’m paying her a lot of money. Plus if I hide too much she can’t help me and after today’s appointment I’m really going to need her. Especially with the medication that has been added.

Thanks for saying that. I do unmask a fair bit in here but you all understand and have been through your own journeys so you get it.

The fear is so hard. I’m scared to get physically hurt which I know won’t happen but it’s hard to take those thoughts away and to be mentally hurt as I am a lot of the time anyway. Mum was really understanding today though.

I feel in need to have my task list to forget. I’m not sure I can. It’s a pressure that I’m putting on myself that is hard to stop. It’s like it’s out of my control. It’s hard to describe but my psych got it. I mustn’t be the only one that does it. That’s why I had to add cuddling Pix and Jett into it.

That sounds nice. Christmas lunch is at my place but it’ll just be mum and dad. Dinner will be at my house with probably 2 of my aunties and one uncle. So it’ll be a really busy day and then I have nightshift on Boxing Day.

@Captain24 that is a good way of looking at it. i have heard from my friends have they often have to advocate for themselves to even get PCOS related tests, so i'm really glad that your doc was on top of it!

good to know that you've got a few appts coming up too so that you're not left with too many unanswered questions in between. oh gosh those medication side effects sound rough - glad you've got a heads up of what to expect... but yeah it's still tough.

we're here for you Cap, let us know if there's anything we can do to support ya 💙

Thank you for sharing this with me. @Captain24 💛

And this is true... but you're also making a conscious choice to allow yourself to be vulnerable and unmask, which is pretty damn brave.

And yes, I can't imagine how overwhelming this news was for you. I am glad they are being thorough and not only giving you medication, but investigating further. Even so, you are allowed to feel scared, this is a lot.

Hmm... so do you think if you connected with people who 'get it', you might find unmasking a little more accessible?

I am relieved to hear mum was there for you. What did she say/do to show up?

I think I understand... without your task list, you feel more out of control - is that right?

It definitely sounds busy! Will you be cooking?? Or will mum and dad help? And do you play games or watch movies throughout the day too? 🫶

Thanks @rav3n

I have processed it a little more while working. Just one step at a time. I see my psych next week and then not for 4 weeks so I’m going to see if she has a space in the middle that works with her days and my work incase I do get the severe depression. I think she will make the appointment happen anyway.

So polyps are 99% of the time nothing, these cells that have shown up are usually found in women that have been pregnant. I never have. It is extremely rare and several pathologists check the results. So not only am I in the 1% but it’s even rarer.

Thanks.. At this stage just knowing that you are all there when I need is help enough. Plus knowing that I may get depression and that you are aware of what and why. I may need support to get through that.