I can’t cope

Hey there @Captain24 dearest, I'm here for ya.

I'm hearing how hard it is, how unsafe you feel. I'm glad you were able to recognise it tho, and bring yourself back when things got too intense.

I'm hearing that you're maybe wanting some company? Could you let the staff know that? Maybe they're just trying to give you space right now.

And nah, you're totally f'ing not! You're exactly where you need to be methinks, and sometimes we don't see the fruits of our labor until later. You may feel like you're messing things up but it sounds like there's definitely work taking place (chatting to your inner child and having a massive breakdown afterwards is you processing your emotions darlin, it would've been soooo hard, so big kudos).

I'm here for ya 💜

T/W mentions SI

Hey @Jynx

It’s just getting too hard. I’m not safe and being in here with knowing that is really hard. I know I’m safe but I shouldn’t be feeling like this.

They aren’t watching me as much as the facilitator requested but they have been looking in as they walk past but now I’ve shut my door.

I was looking forward to this visit as the last one was so good. I’m just one big ball of shit. I feel like a failure, I feel so miserable, I feel worse than before I came in. I just want to do things that are final.

The facilitator that made me talk to little Captain, learnt so much about me yesterday. Telling little Captain all those things that she needs to hear the opposite of what she was being told.

The same facilitator was on today. Since the gym was closed she took us for a walk through the bush. We talked a little. I said I needed to walk into town to get something for a friend after our walk. I told her that I was trying to be there for 2 of the patients but I’m struggling to help them.

We got back from the walk and I just cried. Then I want and filled my water bottle and she saw me. She asked if I was ok and I told her no, so she came into my room. I broke. I said that I’m a bad friend as I just didn’t have it in me to help them today. She told me that I was pouring from any empty cup. She was amazing. I told her that I have found the place to be free. I told her so much. She has offered to see me if I feel that my psych is really not helping.

Anyway… how are you?

@Captain24 it sounds like you've found someone with whom you feel a lot of safety! Honestly, it kinda makes sense that you're feeling so horrendous darlin, inner child stuff is really rough! But don't be thinking that how you're feeling now is an indicator of how effective things will be and how much healing you're doing! Sometimes we gotta go backwards before we go forwards - sounds like a lot of these emotions really needed to come out! And better that they're coming out here where you can be supported, than to try to process it all on your own.

Would you accept that offer you reckon?

I'm alright, bit knackered after a day of yard work. I'd prefer to let it become overgrown chaos, cos that's way better for the environment! And I love bugs! Buuuut alas, I am beholden to the machinations of real estate rules. Bah.

It took me a while with the inner child stuff. I kept resisting @Jynx. I just wouldn’t let myself cry. I couldn’t let go until she took me back to my room and I was in my own. I felt so safe with her.

All the psychologists I’ve dealt with here have been amazing. Thats what is making me question mine. I don’t feel the same when I’m with her as I do here. She doesn’t seem as genuine.

I think I may take her up if I’m comfortable enough to end it with my other psych. The only thing is it has to be Telehealth. That could be difficult. But she also said that she could be a gap filler until I can find one locally.

It’s just all too much. I can’t explain how bad things really are. I’m hoping it’s up from here. It can’t get any lower.

We were talking about my cracked windscreen. She said that in a car accident it would just crumble. My response was.. it doesn’t matter.

Oh.. I hate the garden.. I can see why you are feeling that way. Bloody real estates!! 😜 Here we have to be careful of browns. She overgrown is a major hazard.

We have had 2 earthquakes in NSW. (Not where I live!) The tremors were felt in my town. I contacted my sitter but she didn’t feel anything at my house so that means the dogs are ok and the structure is sound. Heaps of people in town were posting about their shaking houses.

(@Captain24 I'm still writing a reply out but got caught up w dinner and other bits, but pls know I'm still here)

It’s ok @Jynx. Dont worry about it. Don’t waste your time on me. I’m not worth it especially since I have really bad SI.

I’ll try and get some sleep. This afternoons facilitator has told tomorrows facilitator that I have to be with them for groups and stuff

@Captain24 yeah totally fair, I think I've spoken to you before about my own relationship with crying - little different in that I wouldn't suppress it (quite the opposite, sometimes to my detriment, lol), but it still brought me sooooo much shame. I think that's a cultural thing as well as our upbringing. Sounds like this person (they're a facilitator you said, yeah?) has really helped you to feel that sense of safety - really happy you found each other! And yeah no wonder you're questioning your own psych - we're experiential learners, and sometimes we don't know something is missing until we find it somewhere else. I say trust your gut! If you think you'll feel safer to be open and more inclined to share everything then it's well worth making the switch to a new psych - especially cos she offered too! Means she also feels that resonance, which is sooooo important for effective therapy.

You don't need to explain how bad it is hun, even though I know there's only so much can be shared on here I can read between the lines... I've crawled out of enough dark holes to know how horrible that pit of despair can feel.

Oh yeah thankfully no snake risks here! You randomly reminded me of the time I was in Ireland (no snakes there) and made my Irish friend giggle cos I literally went skipping into the tall grass, specifically cos I knew I didn't need to worry about snakes!! Lol

Oh what! An earthquake up that far north? We've had one recently down here, and get tremors every now and again. That's hectic! But glad the puppers are safe 😍💜

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@Captain24 wrote:

It’s ok @Jynx. Dont worry about it. Don’t waste your time on me. I’m not worth it especially since I have really bad SI.

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Pfft as if I would ever consider time we spend chatting as time wasted. Sorry Captain's brain but THAT AINT TRUE! 😝

I'm sorry that you think you're not worth it. I vehemently disagree. Hence, my post above 💜

I feel sick.. Is it normal to feel so sick in the stomach when I’m so mentally unwell?

Hey @Captain24, it sounds like that is a question for a health professional if you are feeling physically unwell. I encourage you to reach out to 1800 022 222 healthdirect and discuss your symptoms. RiverSeal