Not coping when not at work

Thanks @Paperdaisy,

Writing it down does help me let my psychologist know what's happening. The problem that's adding to everything is i'm just all over the place and confused. I'm not even sure what's happening. I also have this anxiety to prove I should be in hospital but at the same time I don't want things to appear worse then what they really are. I'm anxious that things are going to keep getting worse and the only thing that I want to be out of hospital for is work. Its like work as become kind of a safe place in that I'm not as affected by mental health while I'm at work helping others. But I have this fear that being capable at work won't last and I will end up losing my job and not being able to work. I'm also anxious about side effects from new medication and not really sure how to have a conversation around that. I feel like I should just do whatever the Dr recommends.

Peps

Hey @peps ,

I think writing things down definitely helps as @Paperdaisy has said. It may ease the anxiety when you speak to the doctor - after all, you are speaking to a complete stranger and telling them everything that is happening for you - i’d also expect to feel anxious!

Another thing I have found helpful is beginning your meeting with telling the doctor “I am feeling anxious at the moment” and then tell them what you need to.

It’s okay to feel this way, and that’s why you are in hospital. They are there to help.

Sitting with you,

BPDSurvivor

Sorry to hear that you are going through tough times at the moment.

I think many of us put on a brave face for those around us.

I found while my mind was busy at work I was no where as bad but when I had to stop that's when the demons come.

I have a dog that helps me through the day she's pretty demanding to throw the ball .

I find that I use things like jigsaws and cross word puzzles to keep myself from deteriorating into those bad spots.

Do you have any hobbies or maybe take up a tafe course or volunteer at a home to keep yourself busy.

Best wishes for you

Thankyou for commenting @Former-Member , @BPDSurvivor , @Paperdaisy,

I've been writing stuff down this afternoon in a way it feels helpful but I'm too anxious to actually show it to anyone. I just feel so horrible at times but no one else sees it. It feels like it must not be real or I'm some how making it up because surely if its that bad others would be able to see. The Dr and a nurse both say I present well and not as bad as some of my other admissions. I feel like that means I shouldn't be here and that I'm just wasting everyones time. Like I should just accept that I'm always going to feel depressed or anxious. It's like I can't control it but I feel like I should be able to control it. The Dr did say I should be telling the nurses when I get SI but I'm too anxious, I'm not even sure how to start the conversation. If they asked me I would be able to tell them but it feels harder if I have to bring it up.

Would appreciate if anyone as ideas on how I can communicate what's happening in my head so others can understand. Does anyone else present as happy and ok on the outside while feeling completely horrible on the inside and struggling?

Peps

@peps A possible other angle to look at it might be that when the Dr and Nurse said you present well, they want it to sound hopeful and reassuring? To let you know they don't think things are that bad? But then... it does sound like maybe things are that bad...

It might help to reflect on the anxiety you feel when you think about showing your notes. What are you scared might happen? And then, if that negative thing does come to pass, what would happen then? Because maybe the outcome wouldn't be as bad as say, not getting the support you need because other folks aren't aware of how difficult things are for you at the moment.

I'm suggesting this stuff cos it has been helpful for me in the past to reflect on my anxieties and what it is they are trying to protect me from. But your own experience might be different of course. I hope it's helpful 💜

Hi @peps ,

Honestly speaking, when you post, I see so much of myself in what’s happening for you.

Im not sure where you reside, but have you been to PARCs before? I find them so much more helpful for high functioning people like me. It is voluntary. You stay in a house with a few other people. It is recovery-orientated. You get a key clinician that you work with, and back then you stay up to four weeks. I believe it has reduced to 2 weeks now. They run psycho education groups each day, exercise groups, walks, outdoor trips etc.

Absolutely a Godsend for me. I would not be here today if I didn’t attend PARCS.

I’d encourage you to look into it to see if you have them in your area.

BPDSurvivor

Hi @Jynx,

I've tried your suggestion and reflecting on the anxiety. I'm not really sure what I think will happen, I guess part of me is worried about judgment, but I know the people here are not going to think bad of me for having the thoughts. I think I'm just scared they are going to think I'm exaggerating her attention seeking, especially if I'm still presenting reasonably well. I decided to actually write a note because I find writing easier than talking. I even went to the nurses station to give them the note and just got anxious and backed out at the last minute. I think I'm also worried about having to stand there while they read the note. I'm not sure if its bad I just don't tell anyone tonight and perhaps try and speak about it in therapy tomorrow. Wish I could just type a message to the nurse so I don't have to be there in person to tell her about the SI.

The other thing I'm not sure about is if there is anything they can really do about SI? I don't know what will help and what I need and I feel like these are questions they're going to ask.

Peps

Hi @BPDSurvivor

Thinks for the suggestion using PARCs, I just did a quick google and couldn't see anything in my area.

Peps

Grrrr what a shame @peps .

While being so capable at work, I melted during school holidays and weekends. For over a course of a few years, i was admitted to PARCs (prevention and recovery centre) every school holiday until in myself I could honestly say, ‘I don’t need this anymore’.

Even then, I then had an EIPSR (early intervention psycho social response) support worker after PARCs do I’d have community support. I couldn’t have asked for better support.

im wondering if there are any such programs in your area? We also have a HOPE (hospital outreach post-suicide engagement) program.

Id encourage you to ask the hospital while you are there.

BPDSurvivor

I'm struggling again and it's just not making sense still. I'm in mental health hospital still and when I see my psychiatrist he says I'm presenting well but its also not matching what's happening at other times. I've been dissociating and getting SH and SI, I think its happening most nights. It's like I get completely overwhelmed by anxiety and depression it lasts a few hours or more and then usually when I'm around others I improve and people can't see how much I've been struggling.

I'm struggling tonight because despite doing different things to try and help I feel like the thoughts around a particular self harm act are getting stronger. I've done a pros and cons list and it confirms for me that I will be making things worse if I act on the self harm. I've had the thought of would it help if I just sort of roll played what my thoughts are telling me to do without actually causing any harm.Is this an actual strategy or something others have done? I feel like I need to talk about what I'm thinking and feeling but don't have anyone that I can do that with right now. I'm too anxious to go into detail with the nurse. I just feel like they don't have the time to listen to me and part of me feels like they will just think i'm overreacting or attention seeking. Then I have another part that thinks if I present as a more immediate danger to myself I will have to be sent to another hospital with more restrictions and I feel like that would just make everything worse. Everything just seems confusing and I've been doing the distress tolerance stuff I'm just not sure if I'm doing it right. I also want to know how normal it is to get SH and SI? Like is it normal to always have these thoughts on some level or is it more of normal to not get the thoughts at all. I just seem to doubt myself all the time and I'm not sure I can be more confident with dealing with my thoughts and emotions.

I would appreceate to hear if anyone has had similar experiences and if there was something they found that helped.

Peps