Not coping when not at work

Hi @peps ,

Welcome to the forums! It's great you have reached out to the community.

I can definitely relate to what you are sharing. I used to be so 'able' at work. In the corporate world, I could practically run the place. But as soon as I got home, I was an absolute mess. It was as though I was living two lives - the able and unable lives.

I found work to be a protective factor for me. It took me out of my depression, my negative thoughts and dwelling on my emotional state. My mind was focused on other things, and I had routine and knew what I was doing. So work did play a strong part in my recovery. Hence, even when I was admitted to hospital, one of the first things the treating team did was help me get back into the routine of work.

Even today, I use work as a guiding/protective factor. The more I progress in my recovery, I've realised that I'm beginning to find other ways to support my recovery e.g. going out for lunch etc. However, my starting point was work.

So please don't feel it is wrong to be okay at work and not okay at home. It just shows we are so comfortable at home that we let our guard down, thus showing what's really happening for you.

All the best.

You are not alone.

tyme

Hi and welcome, @peps .

I have this too, what you're describing.

What does your psychologist suggest? I'd be interested to know...

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply to them.

Hi @peps

I can totally relate to your post. I don't work currently, lost my job last year during covid and since then i have been declining - physically and mentally. My anxiety is a lot higher and my moods and depression are a bit everywhere.

What I did find that a hospital stay was what I needed. My body and my mind was telling me i needed a break from life, just for a short time. I ended up staying for 5 weeks as they changed my meds.

I feel that when i was working i was a 'different' person able to work but now I am quite the opposite.

Maybe a short stay in hospital will be a good thing for you, just to stop, breathe and evaluate where you are in life.

But i do empathise with you as I know what you're saying.

take care, let us know how you go

Hi @peps ,

I definitely resonate with what you are describing.

My BPD enabled me to manage quite well when I was working - too well in fact! However, as soon as I was near people who were closer to me, it was as though a beast came out. I became an emotional wreck. Yet in a second, I could be totally fine at work.

People close to me would often tell me off and say “if you can manage so well at work, why can’t you be the same us?” This comment hurt me a lot, because I honestly could not control what was happening.

Now, looking back, I continue to use work as a way to keep me focused and well. So yes, work plays a huge part in giving me fulfilment and a sense of independence. Isn’t that what we all need?

Hope this is not too much rambling.

BPDSurvivor

Hi @NatureLover,

I can't remember if my psychologist has suggested anything about being able to cope at work and not at home. I often dissociate in therapy as we talk about past trauma, so don't always have a clear memory of what we spoke about. I'm a bit stuck now because my psychologist is on holidays for the next 2 weeks so I'm not able to talk with her. Have you found anything that helps?

Hi @tyme,

Thanks for sharing it helps knowing that others have had a similar experience. I think I find it difficult to have so many problems and struggles at home that I need hospital but at the same time no one at work even sees that I have a problem. So I doubt if things are bad enough for me to be in hospital.

Peps

Hi @BPDSurvivor,

One of my fears is people thinking and having the same attitude that you got questioning if you can do at work why not at home. I feel like my manger thinks I don't really need the time off because I'm doing so well at work. I just feel like I have to justify going in to hospital. I'm really anxious that when I do go to hospital people are going to think I don't really need to be there. I'm just overthinking everything.

Thanks

Peps

True @peps .

I ended up taking 6 wks off to focus on recovery. I didn’t tell my job why, I just knew I had to do it - for myself.

Sad to say, but in the corporate world, the day you are not well, they’ll dish you out and find someone else. So what is it for me to take 6 weeks off so I can focus on what I need?

It’s so important. Ultimately, it’s your family and friends who need you most. And while we are unwell, they suffer the most - it’s not fair on them.

All the best for whatever decision you make.

BPDSurvivor

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@BPDSurvivor wrote:

I continue to use work as a way to keep me focused and well. So yes, work plays a huge part in giving me fulfilment and a sense of independence.

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@BPDSurvivor this really resonates, thank you.

I agree that I need my volunteer work to help my mental health, even though it's only a few hours a week.

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@peps wrote:

I can't remember if my psychologist has suggested anything about being able to cope at work and not at home. I often dissociate in therapy as we talk about past trauma, so don't always have a clear memory of what we spoke about.

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@peps I wonder if taking a recording on your phone of the psychology session might help? Which is not what you asked me, so feel free to ignore if not helpful!

I am sorry about your trauma 😞

You asked me if I've found anything that helps...I'm not sure, I don't think so. I just accept that I am less well generally at home. I think the answer lies in what @BPDSurvivor said, about work helping to keep us well and providing a healthy sense of fulfilment. I know at my volunteer job it's like an escape, I tend to forget all my problems and just focus on work and on doing a good job. It makes me feel competent at some small thing, whereas at home I can't manage the house, I suffer depression from the Seasonal Affective Disorder, I fail to tackle what I should tackle, and some days I feel completely out of it and can't even make a decision, etc.