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Trying, forever trying.

Ugly_TroutSenior Contributor18 Mar 2022, 2:12 pm AEDT

Trying, forever trying.

Hi. I'm losing my way again. I've switched medications and halved 2 others. I've switched antidepressants under the advice of my Psychiatrist. And halved two antipsychotics because they were administered by someone who in 3 sessions listened to me for a total of roughly 30 minutes. The new psychiatrist has seen me twice for two hours total. Mainly I think it's the switching of antidepressants that is screwing me around.

No suicidal thoughts, but I wouldn't be all that upset if I had another heart attack. I just want to be accepted and not treated like a joke within the local area. Which I'm 90% sure is happening if I go out. I went to the shops yesterday and it has really rattled me. I know that I'm better off on my own because even I can't understand the paranoia and feelings of self hatred towards myself. I've ruined most of my life through my own decisions and I do believe that karma is now kicking in.

Until nearly 6 years ago I abused alcohol 24/7 to get rid of the paranoia. Although that bought with it depression. FFS. I just can't win.

People in my area of the city I'm in all get a good laugh and gossip out of seeing me. A middle aged white guy with no friends, no partner, no job, no life and a recluse. I try to ignore the thoughts of mine, as they are just thoughts, but the impression and proof I get from others reactions to me, just reinforce my feelings.

I'm writing this to get it out. My family try to be close, but I push back because I've put them through enough. So most catchups I don't feel like I fit in. Even with people who love me I feel like I'm misunderstood and I can't let go of the thoughts that they don't really want to hear my F up thinking. So I try to stay alone as much as possible.

I'll try to push it all down, but it's getting harder and harder. Like I said though, I'm not in any danger. So why whinge right? IMO.

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In response to: Trying, forever trying.

EternalFlowerSenior Contributor19 Mar 2022, 6:40 pm AEDT

Re: Trying, forever trying.

Hi there

I think you got Ur thoughts out beautifully and u have every right to voice how u feel, it's not co liaising its venting, and ppl who care will welcome that

I have put on a ton of weight and look a lot different to how I did, I feel so so embarrassed about this I avoid seeing ppl who knew me when I was thinner.

I can relate to wandering what ppl are thinking and judging...

Many ppl will be kind but there are always those who judge

Hope today's ok for u x EternalFlower

In response to: Trying, forever trying.

ThorjCasual Contributor19 Mar 2022, 6:43 pm AEDT

Re: Trying, forever trying.

You are by no means alone in your plight.

Having started my own psychiatric journey in the late 90s I was told the ‘chemical inbalance’ theory and finding the right me combo/dosage would get me to some degree of liveable range. About two dozen med combos and a couple of decades later it’s dawning on me that either I’m the portion that is treatment resistant or current meds are more of a crapshoot then they are made out to be.

My trust in psychiatry is shaky to put it lightly. Not to say I haven’t had some caring well intentioned psychiatrists, just the whole situation has left me wondering if it’s done more harm then good. This insistence that the right med combo is key has just led me to believe I have not been diligent enough to find the winning combo, not that as is now more agreed that meds may not be as effective and complimentary cbt and talk therapy are beneficial. When diagnosis itself is more akin playing darts with fairly wooly overlapping lists of subjective features, it’s no surprise treatment appears like throwing things at a wall to see if anything sticks. I’m not saying all have been ineffective, acute use of antipsychotics did seem effective at calming and putting on the kgs. Just disheartening that research particularly into bipolar depression treatment is rather woeful and that some of the rhetoric shared by practitioners and patients alike are unhelpful.

I still however cling onto hope that if the TGA and psychiatry association get over themselves enough to at least make it easier to trial some new methods, there at least might be a few more options in the near future with hopefully higher then flip a coin level of efficacy.

In the mean time I like you continue the struggle to push through or distract myself from the thoughts and feelings that leave me in heaving crying fits Infront of family and friends. regular thoughts they would be better off without my presence, but also the infeasible criteria that such endeavours entail.

In response to: Re: Trying, forever trying.

HistoryloverSenior Contributor20 Mar 2022, 7:09 am AEDT

Re: Trying, forever trying.

Hello @Thorj. I just wanted to say that you have expressed many sentiments I, and many others, share. Take care.

In response to: Trying, forever trying.

tymeModerator23 Mar 2022, 8:45 pm AEDT

Re: Trying, forever trying.

Hey @Ugly_Trout ,

Sorry it has taken so long to get back to you.

From experience, antidepressants look a LONG time before I saw a noticeable difference - AND that was after having tried a few different ones.

Some make you up, some make you down, some make you eat, some make you not eat. There a so many side effects - hence it'll be good to raise these concerns with your prescribing doctor.

Honestly speaking, without antidepressants, I don't believe I would have been well enough for any psychotherapy.

Hope that sort of answers your question.

tyme

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