Ugly_TroutSenior Contributor
Trying, forever trying.
Hi. I'm losing my way again. I've switched medications and halved 2 others. I've switched antidepressants under the advice of my Psychiatrist. And halved two antipsychotics because they were administered by someone who in 3 sessions listened to me for a total of roughly 30 minutes. The new psychiatrist has seen me twice for two hours total. Mainly I think it's the switching of antidepressants that is screwing me around.
No suicidal thoughts, but I wouldn't be all that upset if I had another heart attack. I just want to be accepted and not treated like a joke within the local area. Which I'm 90% sure is happening if I go out. I went to the shops yesterday and it has really rattled me. I know that I'm better off on my own because even I can't understand the paranoia and feelings of self hatred towards myself. I've ruined most of my life through my own decisions and I do believe that karma is now kicking in.
Until nearly 6 years ago I abused alcohol 24/7 to get rid of the paranoia. Although that bought with it depression. FFS. I just can't win.
People in my area of the city I'm in all get a good laugh and gossip out of seeing me. A middle aged white guy with no friends, no partner, no job, no life and a recluse. I try to ignore the thoughts of mine, as they are just thoughts, but the impression and proof I get from others reactions to me, just reinforce my feelings.
I'm writing this to get it out. My family try to be close, but I push back because I've put them through enough. So most catchups I don't feel like I fit in. Even with people who love me I feel like I'm misunderstood and I can't let go of the thoughts that they don't really want to hear my F up thinking. So I try to stay alone as much as possible.
I'll try to push it all down, but it's getting harder and harder. Like I said though, I'm not in any danger. So why whinge right? IMO.
