Trying makes it worse

Ok Hope yr Okay @EternalFlower 😅

Hi @EternalFlower

"Happy Friendly Check-in Weekend"

Thanks so much for your kind response yesterday. Your support helped.

I am up too early today. My cat must have seen another cat outside the window & had an imaginary fight with it through the glass. I have never heard her yell like that! I panicked & have been up now since 4.30am, unable to get back to sleep! And I'm grumpy. The annoying, funny thing about being in a bad mood, is that you feel annoyed that you are grumpy.

I loved how you used the word, safe in your reply. It helped me remember what is important to me.

I feel disillusioned & disappointed by the whole incident. It happens. Life is not rainbows, fairy floss & holographic sparkle nails, no matter how much I want it to be.

I feel a sense of safety sharing with you & reading your posts, as well as a few other members on here. There are places, times, thoughts, poems, tv shows, animals, dreams & rain, that also make me feel safe.

I have an awesome fortress. There will be no worming! I build on it everyday. The secret is to use an open heart for construction. I have found that the poisons, worms & wolves in sheep's clothing quickly become confused.

I'm working on plans that involve a fortress for all of us, who are kind, innocent, good.... Safe.

Silly dreams.

Eternal optimism.

.... Sounds similar to eternal flower!?

Dreams give me a sense of safety.

Imagine

"You may say, I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one."

Have a beautiful day ef!

I love how you said that you are feeling a little more like a person these last few days, instead of a consumer or sick patient. F*!K yeah!!! Haha

I'm sorry you had some bad nerves last night. I literally force myself to eat sometimes...& hydrate. Our brains & emotions need fuel, nutrition to achieve homeostasis. Do you like coconut water? I find it is excellent brain food..... Sorry, lecture over!

maddison

Heya @maddison

I love the way you write and relate very much

I think, having experienced trauma, many a person has lectured me on how I need to be more trusting. This was poisonous.

I had to learn to discern. It's hard and painful. I'm very lonely and isolated and trying to let ppl in over time, but forcing it was unhelpful because of the risks of abusers uses that vulnerability as a signal to take.

I am alone a lot on the weekend and it's usually bit ugh so thanks for the women sisterhood weekend check. Sending a check in to also @Appleblossom@@I hope Ur weekend is relaxing and nurturin

I have a list of shows I watch and rematch, and am now onto Dirty John, with Connie Britton.

Ur fortress sounds important and healthy. Xxx

Hey @EternalFlower Good you have a few things to watch. Distraction can help.

I am doing alright. Have a big day on tmrw.

Keep doing your thing.

Hi @Appleblossom hope u go well tomorrow and are doing well. Staying well

I'm eating vegan chocolate, still awake

I take meds for sleep but lately they don't work

I'm awake late every night

It's awkward in a way. I feel not so peaceful at night.

Tomorrow I have a spot I like to go to for brunch, alone, I take a book, then go shopping afterwords

Slow ans steady

Hey @EternalFlower

Hope your brunch and book were good.

Nights can be tough. I had a year being up at night, and used to live in fear of not getting enough sleep to get somewhere in the morning. I am working out my levels and balances and working out how to have a life being an owl not a fowl, tho probably not that wise ... but able to get to bed. I must admit it is meds combined with exercise and meditation that helped.

I had a lovely day. Deepening connection with 2 medium term friends and making 2 newer friends. So very social and good.

Hi @Appleblossom when u sleep, is it good quality?

My problem is nightmares and heavy, bad sleep.

I like that u are working on understanding urself and Ur sleep patterns.

I'm working on waking earlier , my mind is in constant fight or flight hypervigilance

My aunt has a property vacant , her home and she offered I stay there for a bit, thinking if it may help re sleep

Glad Ur weekend was social and u were with ppl who have potential for friendship

I went to the OP shop and my fave Cafe. Really yum.

I feel weird being alone but since I love reading I just reframe it as catching up on a hobby. I bring a book and dive in.

Sending hugs

Hi and thinking of u @maddison @TAB

@EternalFlower

If you want drink coffee in a shop with a book go for it. At first (40 years ago) I was shy about it, and at times felt yearning for someone to go for coffee with, then went for years not bothering, but on occasion especially if it was to break up a drive, I got so used to doing it alone I forgot to worry ... lol.

Today I went for hearing appointment and walked past food court, and felt no inclination to want to join them. Its your right to drink a coffee as you like, if you are paying for it.

My meds were up a bit for a while to help me sleep. Hypervigilance thru the roof and all that. But I live pretty quietly and on my own and can isolate and assess all triggers, so have a good idea what is going on. Bad dreams are not too often and about once a month I still do not sleep, but I can cope with that, as I do not have lots of responsibilities any longer.

Some say it is good to journal dreams. I have, and gradually they have less intensity, just the mind working through things. For a long time I did not dream when I was most in pain, so I was almost glad when the dreams returned as it showed I was getting back to my :normal" ... or "baseline" is what they seem to call it these days.

Your aunts offer may be worth it, my mother was very defensive about any contact I had with her sisters, so everything was a bit loaded whichever way I went. Families can be different.

Take Care

Hey @EternalFlower so good to read your letter!

I am in a terrible state of mind at the moment. I won't write too much because I'm simply not in the right frame of mind.

My sleep is not good! Same as you! My pattern is off balance & when I do sleep, I have a terrible time wanting to wake up. I think I will be ok if I can get back to regular hours. I don't know. Sometimes it feels like it's been going on forever.

A mixture of things feel so confusing for me at the moment & I'm have a lot of trouble finding resolution in my mind. Were they always there & I'm only becoming aware now? Or are they new concepts, I need to overcome? I'm not sure.

Guess what one of shows I'm watching is.....?

Dirty John!

Thankyou so much for the compliments, that you love my writing. It's a pleasure to write to you! Thankyou also for being brave & sharing how you find trust difficult, especially being encouraged to trust. I can relate to this too. It can feel like a 'double betrayal.' Firstly by doing something we are not ready for, & secondly by the lack of understanding of how abuse or trauma can truly impact a person. It can make me feel very alone.

Chat soon xx