Trying makes it worse

Thanks @Appleblossom tbh it is a great relief and very soothing to me to speak to someone who doesn't assume the problem is a lack of trying

The system is wild

I didn't mean for the ambos to come - my phone died while talking to someone from their team after I took a bit too much medication, and then they showed up at my door coz I failed to follow up. I was being lazy or over it and didn't bother to recharge my phone and tell them I ws safe. I get that.

Two ladies showed up and talked to me for 30 minutes and called the (ew, very bad) CATT team.
The CATT member said he felt like we needed to let the ambos go and not be held up (lol - not to waste their precious time on a MH call).

I threw a (minor) fit and said you know people genuinely die from MH presentations so please don't diminish me. Did this help? Who can say? The CATT team said they will call me tomorrow to check in in the morning. Ambos suggested I make a list of what to ask them during that call.

Blooming awful experience. This is my life these days.

hi @Jynx they came back to my door because I didn't take the call.
😞

@EternalFlower sounds like you were pushed very far to feel enough adrenaline to say something like that to them, about MH presentations being 100% serious and potentially life-threatening. Especially while you yourself were heightened. I'm sorry hun, that's rough.

What did they leave you with, any next steps?

they will call me tomorrow, they said

I'm meant to take medication to sleep tonight

might, might not, IDK

They didn't want me to go to the ED, kept talking about me needing long term support

I can't get any!!!

No one will see me, after my horrible experience with a trauma service. I am going round in circles. I felt the CATT team responder didn't care about me.
I am not worth anything, I knew it, but not really, in a way. I felt disappointed when people pushed their views on me, told me what had helped them was just what I needed, without takign the time to really know me and care what I needed.

I was pushed into a poor program for recovery, it ended badly, and since then i've been in crises most days.

@EternalFlower 🥺I think you are worth a lot actually

I'm so sorry you've been put through the ringer with all of this. To me, it tells more about the flaws in the system than it does about you or the care and support that you deserve 💜

thanks @Jynx , it is hard not to internalise. I am very lonely and sad 😞 i don't feel close to anyone and keep trying to connect to others but it doesn't hit - it doesn't take away the pain
Someone bought me 2 blocks of chocolate to lift my spirits a bit last night, and yet I am still so sad and had the ambos come earlier.
I am relieved, at least, it was 2 female ambos. I have had amazing male ones, but overall, I prefer to interact with female clinicians of all kinds. I am getting more assertive with this - and generally try and ask for one. I know it's not always possible 😞

i took a small amount of medicine but I can't find my pill-cutter so it was difficult to half it, and i just ended up biting it and taking little pieces. I doubt it will do much> I guess I could take the second half in a few hours if it doesn't.

@EternalFlower

good to read your response, though I am sorry it was such an intense day.

what are the things you found problematic about the service that didn’t fit the bill?

what kind of things do you think would help?

I have found 3 reasonable to good support workers and 2 that were not a good fit. My problem is I didn’t feel enough self worth to listen to myself. I tried to please them too much

There are many issues … sometimes it can help to share as it means we can see the issue more clearly and it is not always our fault, when we realise others are encountering similar problems.

I was going to go to a service but pulled out because it said it was “trauma infused” instead of trauma informed. Elsewhere they were talking about holistic approaches… so maybe they didn’t proof read and realise what was on their website… not like it was a herbal tea infusion. Now it makes me crack up… as funny…but for a while I felt very uncomfortable and uncertain… I definitely didn’t feel I could trust their expertise, with my vulnerability.

I just went off and did the dishes and had a shower.

My suicidality has been through the roof, but also meaningful connections made, so I am highly labile at the moment. Feelings all over the place. Sometimes it seems to make me stronger, then other times I am super sensitive.

hope you get some sleep…

talk later….

@EternalFlower honestly, it's been a big theme not just tonight, but lately I think - of folks feeling misunderstood, not feeling heard or seen in their experiences. And yes, it is painful - because we are wired to be connected socially so when we aren't able to truly connect with others, it feels like we are gonna die - cos when we were still evolving, we might have!

That raw, hollow emptiness is hard to live with, and I think anyone who hasn't had to, probably doesn't know how hard it is. I want you to know that at least in this little corner of earth, you are seen 💜

I hope it helps... and wasn't too ick on your tongue!! I sometimes manage to get my meds stuck and then half-dissolved and it's just UGH, I don't know HOW you managed to nibble one 🤣

Hi @Jynx

TW - I am safe. SI

i took a small amount of meds - Idk what to do - I only have leftover tablets around the house as I was discharged from hospital a month ago with these. I brought them in - didn't take them on my stay - and they gave them back to me when I left.

I tried explaining that i don't have any scripts or meds to the clinical people - they seem so dismissive

I have some meds - so take those and sleep and then it'll all be better tomorrow

anything to get me out of their hair, it feels sometimes 😞

i guess crises numbers are only for people who have already harmed themselves, although I don't know if they help then either. Being alive isn't so important to me now, there's something lost in me, I don't care anymore 😞

Hi @EternalFlower

Zahlia here, one of the mods on tonight. Reading your post I'm a little worried about you. You've taken some meds but aren't exactly sure what to do. You just feel so hopeless and helpless tonight.

Are you worried about your immediate safety? I would recommend reaching out for some medical advice or a crisis service just with the medication you took...

Unfortunately, the Forums aren’t a counselling or crisis service, however you can call any of the following services now for immediate support:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

If in immediate danger: 000

I will also send you an email to check in privately

Zahlia 💛