Trying makes it worse

hi @Appleblossom i was on fb but shut it down recently because i can't handle it - too sensitive. it is good to know you're not alone, you're right. there are good people out there as well with empathy but it can be a bit overwhelming with arguments as well.

i was used as a cash cow by 2 workers, and i'm still angry about it. I've learnt that it's a job, a speciality, a calling, not just someone's casual role, like if they've retired and decide to make money that way, or if they have a lot of casual jobs and then just pick shifts depending on which pays the most.

It is a profession for people interested in helping those with disabilities.... and i don't want to work with people anymore who don't take it seriously. My two workers really let me down.

When we would shop for my home, she'd shop for herself. When I started using a cleaning company, she started using them for house and told me so, and asked me to give things to them on her behalf? When we had appointments she'd drop me off late. She'd come late to sessions. she'd change times constantly.

I didn't really know what to expect and I was scared i'd have no one....it is hard sometimes

Yes me too @EternalFlower re feeling the need to accept whatever they did. But yes. My last lady would be on the phone, also shopped for her self. I did not want to shop but walk and do other things but that was all SHE wanted to do. I accepted it all in a friendly manner, but when she began putting down my clothes and telling me where to stand in the street, I started speaking back. She still did not get it and eventually I let her go. I really need to put up with less. It mainly online discussion that helped me deal with it. When I first mentioned it to a counsellor they defended the behaviour as they if 'needed' to assert authority ... hhhmmmmm ... bossiness is not support. I did not make her do hard things. It was very traumatic for me, as I struggled a lot with it internally before I took action.

I gave it all a rest for 6 months but started with a new lady, who supports fitness and recovery and real goals and she has real skills. Sometimes the workers just do not have much to offer, I guess.

Up late,

So much stress

Lots of trauma

Meds don't work

Trying makes it better

@tonys @Appleblossom @Owlunar2 @Sophia1 @Mistyme

My new home is taking shape but unfortunately had an unwanted relative visit and it threw me.

I feel lost at times.

I went to get some beauty treatments today and ended up crying in the room. It all came out.

Nowhere feels safe or secure after recent events

I have a new therapist and he's better than my old one.

Being lucky or having blessing is good. I see it and enjoy it but

..I'm wondering why the wounds still bleed.

I think I pulled off a pretty good landing from a major fall, so why do I still feel like nothing?

Idk. Something isn't right.

My ndis is so annoying. I am not getting what I need. A food bank has decided not to give me food anymore for free when ndis was mentioned. They want to bill it. My coordinator found it wrong and wanted to stop using them. She is very protective and helpful.

The ndis has not made my life better.

I like my new psychologist. He is like my old dr but more.professional. he seems good.

I feel sometimes like all the advice and medical input in the world, sometimes my instinct is my best friend

I found a new mh team based on instinct and it works.

I think previously my instinct got dulled becsuse I was too dependent on the "experts."

I'm the expert!

Hi @EternalFlower . Sorry I'm so missing in action of late.. Mate. But they are working me hard at the present plus move to new hospital, threw me of my game. So , your last letter was like a RSL

smorgasbord. Bit a good stuff, and some not so good stuff. Thats the nature of the beast hey old friend. If it was all gravy for you, well you simply wouldn't be here. You have, the five seasons in one day bug. Not unusual these days. I have watched you for a couple of years now, and I recon the waves are all just the same. . . But.. I recon your learning to surf. No, really. Your falling of your board ten times a day, having a gripe, getting it out of your system and then your back on that board.

Maybe you have learnt the art of the gripe. Whinge, complain, vent, park the stress on some other bludger, Thats alright, they're billing you for it. And your finishing a day upright on your board.

Mate, I never shut up when I'm on my own. Carry on like a whinging old fool and never carry anything to bed. If I have nothing to gripe about, then I sing. Let the neighbour gripe..

If I could give you one gift, reckon I'd give you my old punching bag. Put your in-laws picture on it

and don't stop till soaked in sweat n panting pure vinegar.. Vent... wack... Vent... wack..!

Wonder how many minutes I would last in the mental health profession. ?

From a distance , more than 50% of you is doing OK,

If a tad more than half your discissions land shiny side up. Then thats enough to win each day.

From where I stand, you look a whole lot more tuff than you think you are.

Mate, I only ever have the tiniest expectations for each new day. . .

consequently I'm rarely disappointed .

Chin up Eternal.. We'll talk again soon.

Hi @tonys take care of utself over the move to the new hospital

Sensitive times when things are in transit. Is it a bigger or better hospital? Do they think it'll be good there?

Ur on the money with all u said...i had no idea how tought I was

@EternalFlower It was good to read "Trying makes it better". A turn around showing movement in your being. I still see that both can be true ... the better and the worse ... but it seems you are more empowered. The cycles will continue to unfold.

Love @tonys contributions. Wonderful Rude Dude with a big heart.

Hello @EternalFlower

Always lovely to see your name.

You remind me of myself in some ways. Very high expectations of self and so much compassion for others. Needing to be kinder to self at times?

I like the way you write on here similar to a journal.

You write as you think. An area where we are similar.

For you when you write about your suffering and or disappointments you follow up with your own reasoning.

I feel that you analyse yourself as you write. This is good and I believe is helping you move forward, slowly but surely.

This is what my head does most of the time!

My goodness if you read back to where you have been.

Now you have a new therapist who is actually better than your last one.

You have worked out your self by trusting your instinct who to give the boot and who to keep.

Look at how you signed the whole piece.

I'm the expert!

Spot on I say.

You are a survivor my dear Eternal.

One foot in front of the other and one day at a time.

I hope that you feel very proud.

Keep on trusting that expert whom you have met............You!

Take care

Sophia

Thank u @Appleblossom @Sophia1 for noticing resilience and also reflecting and sharing the journey by observing g what u see in my growth

I appreciate it and it is how I feel inside also, things are settling

My home felt a bit sad but I was wandering if the move could be good with time. I hope so.

@Appleblossom I felt so sad to hear abojt Ur bossy ndis worker and also how this type of person often becomes an ndis worker.

I had such an awkward drive in silence yesterday with a worker who could not xonverse or show interest in me. I tried to talk but his responses had nothing to do with what I was saying.

He took me to the public hopsital

I asked him if he knew about it and he said he'd had a relative go there

I said it's a bit nicer than my previous one and tried to share my experience but I think I was aware pretty early this man knows nothing about mental health treatments or systems.

I really felt isolated talking to him

After my time at the hopsitla he picker me up and inwas sad and disappointed as I wanted to get admitted to the ward but they didn't want that. I cried to the worker who jusr wanfed to know if I needed him next week or not. Could not hold it or be kind.

I felt so resentful.

I am finding workers either are scared of me because I'm sensitive and dramatic and in crises or else they are bossy and tell me what to do.

I myself would consider doing some peer work for mental health. I did a bit at old hlpsital and enjoyed.

@Sophia1 how have you been? It's like u never left, it is always so grounding and nice to have Ur input.

I like my new Dr a lot. He's a miracle.

I have no idea how I got accepted. I think he's very kind and patient.

@Appleblossom @tonys coined "trying makes it better " and has gently reminded me this could be so...

I don't know I'd change the thread title but know that trying makes it better often

Sometimes I blame self when I try and fail but the trying itself was not noble

We can only do what we can in the moment.

Although, this can be hard to accept.

I think I do sometimes try too hard, more from self hatred. I feel if I try everhhtin I won't be blamed

Sometimes I need to just chill out and stop pushing and demanding

Hello Eternal @EternalFlower . You OK mate. Its always the small hours hey. When the earth teeters on its axis, as if caught between two choices, neither of them good. We all hold our breath while it decides should it grant us one more day . will we even appreciate it. One more chance to see things as they are. To step of the path so stubbornly adhered too, and give, genuine thanks, that the sun came up one more time.

I never told anyone this but when security camera's first became affordable, many years ago, I installed one in every room. I wanted to see myself for who I really am. When I became other

people. The Moods , terrors, self pity, anger, denial . When I sat down and played the footage,

hours of it every night, it frightened me. I always talk to mirrors, but they, like people, are sycophants. Mouthing my delusions back at me.

The camera. . . He doesn't lie. I know because it was agony to watch.

And so bit by painful bit, I excised most of those people from me, Some stayed on. Some come n go. But mostly its just empty rooms where only ghosts of them remain.

I have to be vigilant. Watch the cameras now and then, for empty rooms are fertile ground and those demons need no invitation to a weakened mind.

The camera's didnt cure me as such. Just helped me see the truth so I'd have a foot hold on the self help mountain.

Nothings easy mate. I hope you can take a little something from this, and think about it one day

my friend.

I think about you Eternal, I think one day you'll wake with a knowing smile, painted by your hand.

Peace mate.. your friend tonys.

@Glisten , saw your light flicker. @Sophia1 Hi ol mate. tonys