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Something’s not right

What the hell is wrong with me?

BlueBaySenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 9:54 am AEDT

What the hell is wrong with me?

Today is a really low day. no motivation, no care, no nothing.

all i want to do is hibernate from the world, my life, everything

what the hell is wrong with me?

i feel that i am back at square one

i am never going to get better

i hate my therapist for not helping me anymore

i hate my psych for telling me 'you have bled dry your therapist' and that is why he can no longer help you

i hate my psych for asking me if i had 'bled dry' my mum!!!!!

why am i like this?

i'm going, and maybe far awy for ever

so much pent up anger, emotion, guilt, hurt, loneliness

it's not fair

it's all over, it's just not fair

75 replies

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In response to: What the hell is wrong with me?

BlueBaySenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 8:20 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

xxxooo @Kurra

thank you

In response to: What the hell is wrong with me?

BlueBaySenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 8:35 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

@Sahara

I am going to ring my psych's room tomorrow, he is not working tomorrow, But i will let the receptionist know how damn angry i am about last week. I am going to tell her that i was not coping with my new meds and he damn well didn't call me back. And i will let her know how abandoned and alone i felt. I will also call the CAT team and let them as well. At the time I desperately needed to talk to someone, but there was no one. No one called me and that really hurt.

I will write down some points about what my psych said and when i next see him i will give it to him he needs to know how i felt about his comments.

I am just trying my best to cope daily, sometimes hourly. It is really difficult at times.

Yes poor choice of words, i agree. and then he asks whether i did the same to my mum - how dare he say that. he should know that my mum abandoned me because i told her i was sexually abused as a child. she didn't abandon me because of me 'taking advantage, or bled her dry' ; no way, that i did not do.

all i can do is try and i am trying, i really am.

In response to: What the hell is wrong with me?

BlueBaySenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 8:48 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

@Former-Member

thank you for caring xxoo

@pip I am upset because i am trying to get well, better and learn to cope. But sometimes things happen or people hurt me and I fall back. i am hurting, i am crying now because i don't want this anymore.

Hubby and kids don't know how to support me; they do in their own way but not how i want.

i hate BPD, it sucks big time. I can see now that people are judging me for having this illness. For eg. last hospital visit - doctor just says to me oh you need to stop taking your blood pressure and she was talking to me like i was a stupid idiot. i told her twice that my GP wanted me to check it daily and because it had got so high i was worried.

Then my psych tells me what he did - and again i feel that because of my BPD i am being judged because of the traits and behaviour.

Crying is good - but do you know what? some days i am sick of crying. i am fed up, i am exhuasted from all this therapy sessions, seeing this person, then that one, now this new one. it feels never ending.

you're right - BPD is hard for the person with it let alone the people that live with them.

In response to: What the hell is wrong with me?

KurraSenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 9:03 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Hi @BlueBay

If you feel these situations need to be reported can I suggest you do so through the official channels. This will enable an investigation to be undertaken as well as anything else that may be required.

Try to write down the facts of the events as you remember them. I know it will be hard but stick to just the facts. Any mention of your angry feelings is likely to end up being very distressing for you. Do your best to simply mention that these events caused you to experience a lot of anger and the try to leave it at that. People who deal with complaints deal with fact. Too much emotional writing might not help too much.

I know it's hard sadgirl but I believe in your ability to make this works out well for you.

Take care and breathe, knit, and anything else that will help to keep you feeling grounded.

Hugzzz 💕 💜 💕 🎶

In response to: What the hell is wrong with me?

BlueBaySenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 10:12 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Sobbing so much. Went to bed a while ago and must have had my sbuse on my mind. I am sobbing so much hiding under my doona. Why didn't I tell my brother to stop abusibg me. Why couldn't I tell my mum and dad.
I can't stop sobbing. I'm really bad tonight. I hate my brother.

In response to: What the hell is wrong with me?

utopiaSenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 10:16 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Im sorry for the intense pain you are feeling @BlueBay. I wish it would go away for you.
See if after your cry - you can manage to get a bit of sleep. Thinking of you.

In response to: Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

BlueBaySenior Contributor03 Oct 2016, 9:28 am AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Had a horrible night last night.

I went to sleep but then had flashbacks of my childhood abuse. And what my brother did to me. Every time i closed my eyes it was there. i started to sob so much that I called out to my hubby upstairs to grab me some tissues. He came and saw me sob and said 'what's wrong'. i told him it was the abuse. He told me it's okay, it's not my fault. but the sobbing continued.

I ended up wanting to take a sleeping tablet but wasn't sure, so i rang the CAT team and left a msg for them to call me back. I am still waiting!!!!

I ended up making a hot milo, tried to slow down my breathing and finally at about midnight i fell asleep. But i was awake again at 3.30am and then again at 5.30.

This morning i have phoned the CAT team to put a complaint in. This is the second time in a week that they have not returned my calls. I understand they are busy but they need to call back to check in on the person.

And i have left a message at my psych's rooms to say that i am still waiting for him to return my call from last Thursday!!!

Not happy.

In response to: Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Unknown userMember03 Oct 2016, 9:40 am AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Oh @BlueBay, I am so very sorry things are so difficult for you right now.

Flashbacks are dreadful things, and so cruel.

Has your anger at your psych etc subsided a little this morning? I hope so, as anger is very draining.

I am glad that you intend putting in a complaint to your CAT team. It is definitely not good enough that you did not get a call back. And the same goes for your psych.

I know its a long weekend and all, well it is in NSW anyway, but they still all have a duty of care.

I dont blame you in the least for being unhappy about the lack of response from your medical team who are meant to be caring for you.

Really sorry to hear that you have such an interrupted sleep last night. Are you able to get in a nap during the day at all?

My heartfelt thoughts are with you sadgirl. I know you can get through this again, as you obviously have in the past. Therapy always brings all this back into focus, and that is almost like self-torture. But in the long run, this needs to happen in order to process all this past trauma and torment.

Stay strong, I have confidence in you.

In response to: Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

BlueBaySenior Contributor03 Oct 2016, 9:46 am AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Hi @Former-Member

Haven't heard from either of them yet and I bet I don't either.

Anger is still with me, I feel crap. I am catching up with a friend for a coffee at 10.30 so hopefully that will be nice and cheer me up a bit.

I think i am angry at my therapist i have had for 5 yrs and now won't be helping me anymore. He has made an appt for me to see him this coming saturday and i am thinking now - why bother??

so i have just emailed him saying if i could speak with him today to see if it is really worth going in to see him. I know i will be emotional again saying goodbye. I said goodbye two weeks ago when he told me this and i was a sobbing mess for days. I don't want to go through that again.

Few things to do today with my daughter, she wants me to go with her to book some flights to the gold coast. She is going in 3 weeks time with her boyfriend.

I have just booked a 5 day camping trip at a beautiful northern victoria resort for november. Can't wait, just me and hubby. and we are going to do nothing, just laze around the pool, it's always warmer up there.

how are you today @Former-Member

In response to: Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

pipSenior Contributor03 Oct 2016, 11:24 am AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Hi @BlueBay. Where you said about experiencing flashbacks from the abuse you suffered. I must admit I'm rather jealous of your relationship with such an understanding, emotionally supportive hubby. I suppose he gets a bit worn-out with your 'flashbacks' but at least he was there when you needed something. M ex would just walk away and tell me to 'get over it'. I used to suffer incredible PTSD as a result of the abuse I endured. I recall ex and I were visiting his parents (the ******) one day. I had a bit of a 'melt down' when my chauvinistic ex FIL made some comment re: his views on women. FIL then told me each time I recalled some incident, it meant my brother had 'won' in his abuse. I eventually told my now bf and his reaction (unprintable), but the gist was; no victim is ever responsible for abuse. My brother was not a winner, no more than I was a loser. He was abusive, I was a victim, he did not win, I did not lose (except my childhood). Have you tried visiting (in person) your psych to leave a message. You seem to be banging your head with the CAT team, perhaps your Dr could 'pull' rank and see if they will listen to him. Often when we deal with so-called professionals, it takes another professional to 'cut through the red tape'. See if you can talk to your Dr about the lack of service, ask if he/she can do something to help you. As for your psych, I think I'd be inclined to see them in person and tell them you need help. I gather you are paying for their service, if they wish to keep charging, they should offer the service they're charging for.

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.