What the hell is wrong with me?

Hi @pip@Former-Member@utopia@Kurra

I got a call back from the CAT team and I told her how angry I was that no one called me back after two calls on different days. Too bad if i was so desperate and hurt myself or even worse.

She apologised and said that last night whoever was on - maybe have been on there own or they were busy in the emergency dept. I told her that I felt like they were not returning my calls on purpose and I was paranoid. She said no no they would have called me back it's just that they would have been busy and put all calls on hold. Still doesn't explain why no one called back. And it took me to them back again today to see what had happened.

I called my psych and left messge on the answering machine that i was still waiting for my psych to return my call from last thursday.

He finally called a few minjutes ago, didn't apoligse for not returning my call!!! I told him what side effects i am having with these new meds and the flashbacks from last night and the staying up very late to fall to sleep.

He turns around and says 'well if you want to you can stop these and go back to the original meds'. I stopped those original meds back in July when I was admitted to hospital to stop them. WTF!!! go figure what is he trying to say. That this whole 3 months was a waste of time.

i just don't get psych's and the stupid, ignorant mentality. I know i suffer from a mental illness and BPD but i am not stupid. I am not going back to the old meds. What was the point in him changing them in the first place??

So now i am really annoyed and pissed off with him. I told him i will give it another week, but today i had to increase the dose so i am worried that the side effects will be stronger.

Sometimes i wonder why i bother. what is the point in taking meds. i fee like a guinea pig at the moment. And i am so sick and tired of these side effects; all different from different AD.

Hi @utopia

I have just heard back from my therapist of 5 yrs and whether i need to have this session this week.

After talking to him and he said that because i am not seeing this new psychologist until end November he doesn't feel that I should be without anyone to talk to. He said it is too long for me to wait so he is happy to see me every few weeks until November.

He did also tell me that I can still see him next year every few months - just to catch up and let him know how i am going. If only he told me that earlier. So i will see him this saturday and go from there.

holiday booked - we are using our tent so it's only costing us $33 a night. it is a lovely resort, indoor/outdoor pool, tennis court, huge walking track, bikes for hire. Just a nice spot to relax and unwind. i think we both need it. we are only going becasue it's not too expensive otherwise we wouldn't be able to afford it. I just sent off deposit so balance is to be paid when we get there. It is about 3-4 hour drive from home and i know the kids will be fine. Well their not kids really!!!

After talking to my therapist just before I feel confident now that things will work out okay. I am now looking forward to meeting this new female psychologist. But on first visit i will question her as to how much experience she has in childhood abuse and BPD. If she has lots i will stay, othyerwise i will look elsewhere. but fingers crossed she is the right person. I also feel that maybe this time having a female will be better.

Hi @BlueBay. That all sounds like a sensible plan. Well done for sorting it all out to your satisfaction.

The holiday sounds great, and will hopefully serve as a well deserved break for you. Perhaps the start of your renewed recovery?

I hope the new psych works out as well when you get to see her in November. Will that be after you get back from your holiday? My clinical psych is a female in her 40's. I honestly dont think I could have talked to a male psych about the things I have had to talk about. It was next to impossible as it was, and I was generally quite comfortable with my psych by then.

Anyway it all sounds promising, and I hope and pray that it all works out for the best. Pleased also that you are feeling a little better about everything, and that the anger has lessened its hold on you.

Kind thoughts coming your way from me.

Hi @utopia

I'm a bit everywhere at the moment. I can't remember where I wrote about my GP stopping my AD cause of my terrible brain zaps/migraines. Have to call him tomorrow at his clinic to let him know how i am. I feel crap, so much negative thoughts racing through my head.

I have to work 3 hours this morning, and this afternoon i think i will sit in the sun and do nothing. or maybe even a small walk down the beach. or even take jersey to the beach for a play in the water.

Today looks like being a nice day but a bit windy.

i am sick of taking new AD's. sick of therapy, sick of everything.

i chatted on line last night with lifeline, they were okay but my thoughts (bad) were still there. didn't do anything, just went to bed, cried and fell asleep.

so much stress yet again, finances, home life, me and my meds changing all the time - it has to affect my body.

How are you @utopia? better get ready for work, i will come on later and chat again. xxxooo