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Something’s not right

What the hell is wrong with me?

BlueBaySenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 9:54 am AEDT

What the hell is wrong with me?

Today is a really low day. no motivation, no care, no nothing.

all i want to do is hibernate from the world, my life, everything

what the hell is wrong with me?

i feel that i am back at square one

i am never going to get better

i hate my therapist for not helping me anymore

i hate my psych for telling me 'you have bled dry your therapist' and that is why he can no longer help you

i hate my psych for asking me if i had 'bled dry' my mum!!!!!

why am i like this?

i'm going, and maybe far awy for ever

so much pent up anger, emotion, guilt, hurt, loneliness

it's not fair

it's all over, it's just not fair

75 replies

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In response to: What the hell is wrong with me?

BlueBaySenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 4:55 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Hi @pip

I am going to write a note down for my psychiatrist and the 'comment' he made to me about my therapist.

It didn't really hit me until the other day about what he said and i am still really angry.

In response to: What the hell is wrong with me?

BlueBaySenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 4:57 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Hi @Learninggrowing

sorry you are struggling so much. take care.

In response to: What the hell is wrong with me?

KurraSenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 5:20 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Hi @BlueBay
I hear you and I hear your anger.
Do you have a gym nearby where they have a punching ball? Well it's not really a ball but a cylindrical padded bag that hangs from the ceiling. If you can get to a gym you could punch it as hard as you can for as long as you need to, to try to safely release some of the anger you are feeling.
You can do the same type of thing on a squash court where you can hit that little ball as hard as you can against the squash court wall. This is another safe way that may help you release some of the anger that has built up inside you.
Both these suggestions are ways that you can help yourself without having cry for help and not getting what you feel you need.

If you can manage to try either of these ideas please give it a go. You might be surprised how things like this can really help.

Running away doesn't help. Your problems just go with you and you'll end up running from the police too.

Take care. I'm here for you. 💕💜💕

In response to: What the hell is wrong with me?

SaharaSenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 5:34 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Hi @BlueBay,

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a bad time. I think it was wrong for your psychiatrist to say you had 'bled dry' your therapist. It is a very poor choice of words - and a professional should always chose their words very carefully. The phrase "bleed dry" seems to have a lot of negative connotations.... it should never have been used.

But it's so true that a therapist is only human and can't be on call for everyone 24 hours a day. Your therapist may just be overwhelmed with work at the moment..... and perhaps they really do feel that they don't have the right skill-set and experience to be the best help for you?

Sending an email asking for help is not inappropriate. You were entirely within your rights to do that. If your therapist didn't have time to give you a considered reply or delayed their reply due to a huge workload, then that was also understandable. Your psychiatrist should not have implied that you did the wrong thing in sending an email! It's up to the professional to set firm boundaries themselves- so all your therapist needed to do is write a polite reply saying that you will need to make an appointment to discuss things in person, rather than rely on email.... if that is what he/she truly believes is for the best.

It was rude of your psych not to call you back. I agree. He should have had his receptionist give you a call and explain why he couldn't talk to you himself. At least you would have known what was going on.... he was too busy to talk.

As for the CAT team.... I don't understand that.... I thought they would have to reply?? Did they refer you on to a different service?

Please, @BlueBay, do not feel that you are hated. You are just doing your best to get your needs met and so far you have not had much satisfaction.... but that does not mean you are not liked. People have their own issues... don't take their responses too personally.

In response to: Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Unknown userMember02 Oct 2016, 5:46 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Hi @BlueBay. I am really sorry to read that you are struggling so much right now. Anger is such a strong emotion.

I went through a period of being extremely angry a few weeks ago myself. Over something that I had no control of unfortunately.

But I do know how hard it is to shake that anger. For me, the anger eventually turned to feelings of how unjust it all was, and then I 'stewed' about it for ages. It still rankles!

I am not able to add anything to what others here have said. I agree with @Kurra that flaying into a punching bag or doing something like squash are of some help to release some pent up frustrations. Relentlessly pounding that little ball against the wall does have a certain pleasure to it.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I understand and I do care.

In response to: What the hell is wrong with me?

pipSenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 6:17 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Hey @BlueBay. No-one thinks you're a cow, bitch, or manipulative person. BPD is REAL, your suffering is REAL. For some reason the people you're crying to are simply not hearing you. THAT is bad, not how you feel, the way you're being ignored. How you feel is bad - yes, but how you're being ignored is terrible. Perhaps thumping the crap out of a pillow, or abusing those who are not listening, or hearing you would help you. The anger and frustration you feel is real and needs addressing. Of course you never 'used' your mum, you needed her love and nurturing, she simply wasn't able to give it and you were neglected. Please don't feel as thought the world is against you. If you are in a position where you can call Beyond Blue, please do. They do have trained counsellors who will listen and give you support till you can call your therapist. Crying is good, it releases anger/frustration. Where is your hubby, can he help or is he out of his depth. BPD is hard enough for the person with it to cope, for someone who doesn't have the same emotional problem, it's hard to know the right things to say or do. We want people to hug us without being asked, we want to be loved without asking for it. Unfortunately, because people are not mind-readers, they have to be asked what to do and how and when. Try writing down some of your anger, getting it out on paper releases some of the emotions. That way, too, you can swear - no-one can hear you to tell you not to swear. When I'm really angry, or hurt, I let loose on paper, calling anyone who has ever hurt me for everything. As I mentioned before, punching a pillow, kicking air helps. Don't connect with your foot, the pain would be unbearable. You're hurting and the pain is 'there' - full-on. I'm so sorry you are in such pain. I'm angry too for the way you feel so alone and unwanted. sadgirl, you are special and wanted, always remember that.

In response to: What the hell is wrong with me?

utopiaSenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 6:44 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

@Learninggrowing. I understand totally how you feel. My depression and anxiety in the past has caused massive swings in my mood. Earlier this year my suicidal thoughts were bad - so I booked into a private hospital for a month. It was the best thing I ever did. Because I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to hurt and live how I was, anymore.
That stay kicked started me into getting better. No anxiety for ages. No panic attacks since early this year. I still have ups and downs with my depression, but I'm able to control it better at the moment - so it doesn't last as long.
It can be a struggle. It takes a while to learn coping techniques. But it can be done.
I'm glad you've had the strength so far to fight your suicidal thoughts. But it is so much harder doing it on your own.
Your gp is a great place to ask for help. He/she can refer you to a psychologist - when you are ready. If that's too hard for you to do at the moment - then as @Fancy_Pants said - try calling beyong blue or lifeline. They are wonderful to talk to when your at crisis point.
Of course you can keep talking to us here on the forum. We aren't experts but we do have similar experiences to you.
Am happy to chat with you anytime.

In response to: What the hell is wrong with me?

RedrawSenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 6:50 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

Yet again you speak my lifemare, gender different but many similarities of experience, some things I haven't known but many I have, especially being used/exploited and being avoided and ignored and so very alone

In response to: What the hell is wrong with me?

utopiaSenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 6:53 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

No @BlueBay. You can't run away. I'm sorry but it will just follow you at the moment.
You are not a needy bitch (or whatever words you used). You are a woman with BPD & it's been playing havoc with your thoughts and moods and actions for a very ling time. Your specialists should know this is all part of the condition. Over the past month or two you have been learning how to calm yourself sometimes. But it's just the beginning. Because I believe you will learn how to handle your moods and feelings even more as you start working with the new psychologist in November. Why do I believe this? Because I've been getting to know you and watching you struggle and fight and break thru. I've seen you do it. You will do even better soon.
So for today - when things are so tough - self soothe. Knit - mandala drawings - hot bath - chocolate. Whatever you need to do to give you 5 or 10 or even longer - minutes of peace.
Big hug and love from me. ♥♥♥♥♥

In response to: What the hell is wrong with me?

utopiaSenior Contributor02 Oct 2016, 7:25 pm AEDT

Re: What the hell is wrong with me?

@Redraw. Sorry to hear you feel this way too. MI can be a right old cow to deal with sometimes. I hope you feel supported here. And that you have outside support too.

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

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