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Still here, still safe.

HistoryloverSenior Contributor29 Jan 2022, 1:50 pm AEDT

Still here, still safe.

Hello again everybody. I haven't been commenting for some time as I just don't have the ability to help anyone, and hadn't quite got myself to the stage I'm at now. I can't say I am suicidal again because I am suicidal still. I go through the motions of living daily, and it would seem to outsiders that all is well. Suicide is on my mind constantly, and this has been going on for two years. My face prickles from distress and sometimes I can't swallow food because, it seems, my body is telling me it has had enough. I just don't know how to end it all and be certain of it. I also don't know how to as I don't want to feel anymore pain.

Samaritans is busy, and Sane is not available. I don't find Lifeline helpful. I have tried everything to get myself out of this hole, but it just keeps getting deeper.

My ex-psychiatrist has been so thorough. He has closed every door I could use. I am astounded that this was his intention all along. He had me thinking he was the most wonderful person on earth for what he had done for me. Yet here I am because of his evil soul.

I have tried everything, and everyone knows what's going on. They are just waiting. What horrible people they are. I'd like to say that, over the past two years, you have all kept me going, and sometimes even made me laugh. I just wish there was a group where we could all meet and support each other, but there is no such place and I've tried all others without finding my 'group'. I'm worn out from trying. What a large gap in social support exists. What meetings we could have had.

I guess I just wanted to have some of my friends here say "Hello, I care". I'm so sad. Sending love to all my fellow travellers. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Please don't delete my post, moderators. Still safe.

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In response to: Still here, still safe.

wellwellwellnezSenior Contributor02 Feb 2022, 6:05 pm AEDT

Re: Still here, still safe.

I'm not inconvenienced. I am finding myself being cautious with how I respond. I've experienced things things in my life similar to some of the struggle that you survive. In a different format, though.

My experience was more of cult-style sort of thing. I lost money, time, sanity, good will, feeling safe, I would even say it disconnected me from my autonomy and my values. It's kind of been me and my dark cloud since then. Having said that, I definitely had problems before, and that's part why it's a nasty scar because, essentially, I received years of punishment as a result of seeking help.

It's been up and down since then but also.....slippery. Most I've been able to achieve has felt a lot like exploiting my trauma for other people's gain. Eventually it all did a breakdown, yadda yadda yadda and here I am talking to you.

I think I've made some good strides relating to de/re-programming. I'm, just now, thinking I could benefit a lot from focusing on de/re-conditioning. Maybe that's part of what I'm doing here with all of you.

Our experiences are similar but different. Part of your "mistake" results from reaching out to the mental health sciences. Part of my "mistake" was reaching out outside of the mental health sciences. But neither of us made any "mistake". We tried something. That's what we're supposed to do.

It is more than okay to keep trying. It won't be the same. It can't be the same. In that way, the arrow of time is on our side.

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