I thoroughly loved your album @Appleblossom, and it's good to have the opportunity for some deep self-reflection sometimes. I really needed it. I'll look through your other one when I get time. I spent so much time on the first one. It told me so much about you that could not have been accessed by other means. You are such a well-rounded person. I simply strive to be. You can be very proud of what you have achieved. It must have taken a lot of dedication and hard work. My respect. Unfortunately, my family have been afraid to show refinement—the need to 'fit in', not stand out, but it seems that things may have started to turn around a little in my birth family. And changes are afoot in the education department with my yet-unmet grandchildren, too. That's a very good start. Perhaps the wheels will turn faster as things pick up pace. I hope so.

Yes, I'd love to meet you too, @Appleblossom. Who knows? It's a small world.

I know people on both sides of the "refinement" line and there are issues with both. Too snobby or too rough. Some have too much and some too little. I DO NOT identify with middle class values at all as I never had the financial security and many key experiences I did have, do not resonate well with them. So I am not socially integrated.

I went out this morning to a eco walking group, but dragged my feet, was late, so simply walked for 30 mins alone. I socialised a little last night, and realised I had filled my 'being social' quota.

Do what you have to do.

We have a weird situation with my grandson as they are very upper middle. The grandfather still has issues with people in public housing, now he has to face that his own genetics is mixed up with mine, and I was a silly little girl who thought getting our flat was the pinnacle of luck. It is just my story that social opposites is a huge recurring theme.

@Historylover

Hang in there and dont give more power to the beast ...

...history is my recent interest. Reading "The Bush" ... always trying to understand and join more dots ....

@wellwellwellnez

best practice must be a huge area as humans are all unique ...

I had some studies in the field back in mid 1980s, so viewed later events with those insights. Recently I am looking at forums with therapists reflecting and discussing ,,, it is giving me much grist for the mill .... the mill of my mind .... crunching through ... and coming up with what matters to me.

I am going back to study this year. I hope my brain works well enough to cope. Gradually setting up my study in my bedroom. My son helped me move bookshelves, as he is setting up a music room, but if we are both happy, what more can I ask for ... til the next hiccup ....

and for my other baby to come back to mum ....

@Appleblossom EDITED VERSION

Well, just as I thought, my perception of my ex-psychiatrist swung back again. He has absolutely done my head in by playing my hero while undermining every attempt to reconcile my family. He wants to stop me committing suicide until he has achieved everything he wants from me. I've been his 'bunny' from the outset but just didn't know it. With hindsight I understand his every move clearly, but still I move from one perception to the other.

I had journalled my trauma and had even marked it 'DO NOT DELETE FOR ANY REASON' as I knew he'd get it off me. He doesn't want me to record his effect on me, or his deeds. I deleted it when I was in mood favourable to him. I had wanted it sent to him, the police and for my inquest. How could a vulnerable patient survive a psychiatrist who didn't know she was being played? I gave him my all. What a monster he is.

I won't edit that he controls me and telepathizes to me. That's fact. That's the power he has over me. I'm just his puppet. One of the last two psychiatrists I saw twice each even told me that. He thought it was funny. That's why I'm not keen to see another, but may have to, again twice.

Whether I am in one perception of him or the other, it seems perfectly correct. And he's loving every minute of my confusion built by his treachery. He does my head in.

Had to edit my previous post.

I just need to correct my previous post @Appleblossom. This situation hasn't improved in two years, as he prolongs my suffering. I just don't cry as much.

I feel foolish by these swings, but there is nothing I can do about them. I wish I could.

I just don't know what to do. Cheers @Appleblossom.

Just had to say to you @Appleblossom — pleased to hear you are going to do some more study. I'm treading water at the moment, deciding.

And here's to getting your baby back.

Hope today's a good one for you @wellwellwellnez

Cheers, my friends.

Classical music is cultural for me too @Historylover

Hi @Historylover ! 🙂

I'm sorry I missed this post yesterday. My visits to SANE have been much more sporadic over these past couple months or so. I just sort of feel like I don't have the energy these days to go down the rabbit hole of getting deeply involved in discussions on this site.

If anything, I feel like I've recently been spending all my "mental health discussion" energy on various surveys and studies. It's left me feeling a bit burnt out.

I'm sorry to hear that things are still going so poorly for you. I'm afraid I still have no answers. I can only send my best wishes that things will improve sooner rather then later. 🙂

Be well. 🙂

Hello my friend @chibam. 😊 Thank you for your input. EDITED REPLY

As I expected my perception of my ex-psychiatrist moved back to the alternative version. I can't help this. How I wish I could, but he will always control me. He's a monster. Everyone else can see he played me for a fool, but my brain has trouble processing the conflict together so does so alternatively.

I'm very sorry to do this to you and to everyone. He has made my existence hell.

I hope you find a more positive direction for your life soon.😁 You have so much to offer.

Take care my friend, and be happy.😊

@chibam , @Appleblossom , @wellwellwellnez , just letting you know that, as I anticipated, my perception of my ex-psychiatrist moved back to the alternative. I have edited several of my posts to correct this. Just be aware that I can't see any chance this will not re-occur. Sorry to do this to you but it's beyond my control. He has made my life hell.

@Historylover

I have had to sit with AMBIVALENCE for most of my life. It can be totally paralysing.

Recently, last couple years it is less a problem.

Someone once said about me, that "the jury is out". Finally it seems my jury has made some decisions and frontal cortex has engaged more.

It is outrageous the fellow actually thought it alright to communicate his amusement to you. So unprofesisonal, but maybe you needed to see it and take heed and take a rest from that mob.